My husband died a year ago today in Dorchester Hospital. We had been on holidays with all the family in Weymouth (he was 66, fit and healthy.It was a sudden blood clot ) I had been advised to have something planned for today and did have a few offers from family. Unfortunately felt everyone didn’t really have time for me. Do not want to be a burden. I am fit, healthy and only 68. I could tell they were all trying to fit me in with other things they were doing. I get that people are busy, working, have families. In the end I felt like I would have been running around meeting people at all different times and feeling worn out. Don’t think I could have coped with it today. Even though up to now I did not want to mark the day. I thought it would just be as sad as any other day. Which to an extent is true.
But although I didn’t feel like doing anything and I also have a terrible headache, I now feel I cut my nose off to spite my face. Sat feeling very sad, alone, and sorry for myself and think the choice I made was probably a mistake. Just saying this in case any of you are coming up to the first anniversary.
Will dust myself down in a minute and maybe go out the garden.
Gill.
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I do that too, Gill. People suggest going out for lunch or a coffee. I say thanks, but no. Then I regret it afterwards when it is too late. I suppose we learn lessons this way. I decided that from now on I will take people up their offers. At least if I don’t enjoy it I will be glad to get home afterwards and hopefully more content with my own company.
I think we are all on a steep learning curve.
Today is our 16 th wedding anniversary. I don’t think anyone else remembers. Xx
Hi @Trewy and @Willow112
I’m thinking of you both today
Special days for both of you
Sending big hugs to you both
X x
Thanks both 
nice to be heard . Big hugs back. xx
Hi @Trewy,
Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling and I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. The anniversary of a death can be such a difficult day but it’s important to do what feels right for you. I just wanted to share our information article that you may find helpful to read.
Keep reaching out and remember to be kind to yourself too 
Take care,
Kate
Sue Ryder Online Community team
Very early on in this journey, I decided that I would never dread an anniversary, or Xmas.
Each anniversary day I planned a challenge, something I always wanted to do, but never got around to.
I started with making a date with my wife, agreeing to meet her on top of Mam Tor, a very big hill in Derbyshire. I took her dogs with me because she loved them. Had a lovely chat in the cold and wet. Then off for lunch in a local pub.
On another, I hired a campervan for a week.
Then off for some abseiling
One anniversary, I decided I wanted to learn the flute, and went off for my first lesson.
She is with me on every one, Im pretty sure she will be saying " whatever next, you daft old man." (I’m 76, by the way!)
I’m between anniversaries at the moment, and I cant wait, so next month I’m going potholing with a gang of geriatric mates. I dont think she would come with me, anyway.
So dont sit at home, wishing things were different, get out and make yourself proud.
Thank you for this. It will be my husbands birthday in August I’ll try not to sit around. Well done you it cannot be easy doing all those things on your own.
Gill.
Good luck @Trewy . The best things to do are those which lead onto other things, such as new friends, and expanded skills and activities. Joining in musical activities has been the best thing for me, I can learn and play my guitars and flute, alone at home, or with my lovely teacher, or with a group of friends who are as inept as I am.
You mentioned Weymouth. That brought back huge happy memories, it was where we fell in love, had many wonderful holidays, and had our honeymoon. I still reminisce about amazing walks on Portland. Its a little too far away for me in Sheffield, but maybe next year?
Instead, in recent years we always seemed to finish up on the magical island of Anglesey. I took the decision to go back there and visit all our favourite places, and lay the ghosts. I found a brilliant shepherds hut, and our dogs and I looked out these places. We had a few tears, but lots of chats with her, almost every topic starting with “do you remember when?”. But lots more smiles than tears.
PS Ive just decided to hire a motorhome next year and go back to Portland. Thankyou for your inspiration.
Glad you’re going back to Weymouth. My husband loved it there. I will maybe try to go back myself sometime when I can only think of the good memories. Started going at the age of eleven with my parents who also loved it and introduced to my husband. All the best with the camper van.
Gill.
@Trewy
You absolutely did the right thing. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are being ‘fitted in’ . Today is a difficult and emotional one for YOU not anyone else. It is sometimes better to be alone with our own thoughts and memories. Next year you may feel differently. There is a lot of pressure around the 1st year anniversary but you have to think of yourself now and not others. Do what feels right for you and if that’s doing nothing then that’s ok x
Thank you. Think I did the right thing in the end. Unfortunately the feeling of being fitted in is a constant. I’m sure it’s not always the case but I hate the feeling of being a burden. Know I have to make a new life and let others get on with their lives. But having been with my husband for 46 years with all our plans going forward I don’t know where to start. To be honest I don’t think I ever will. I just have to accept a second rate life.
Gill.
Start with just you. I lost my hubby who I met age 10 (54 yrs) last March and I have no remaining family and no children so completely alone apart from some good friends. I learnt to stop relying/depending on others for my happiness. People can dissappoint, let down and hurt you so I started doing things on my own and if I want to do something I just do it, yes it takes courage, hard work and determination but nobody has to accept a second rate life and your husband certainly wouldn’t want that for you. Life doesn’t coming knocking on your door, you have to get out there and find the life you now want. It takes time but it’s doable
Thanks for this. Am feeling very sorry for myself today. Sometimes it’s so hard to get out of the blues. As you say my husband would be telling me to dust myself down and get out there and get on with it. Still can’t quite believe that it’s happened- feel I’m in another world. Hopefully this does pass with time.
Again thanks for your reply. It all helps.
Gill.
Not second rate. Just different.
You’re so right to get out there and find the life you want ! But jeez its hard when things keep knocking you down all the time. I was starting to get on top of my life and then wham my mum gets ill … dont wanna feel sorry for myself but its hit me hard. Much harder than i thought it could. I feel like i have gone right back to that horrible place again … 
sorry to bring everyone down but im feeling terrible and nobody cares really . I feel like nobody cares about a widow. Only my husband cared and hes gone !! what an awful deal i have been dealt … i cant believe this is my life now …
Deb
It sure is a test! I have been there and know how you are feeling 
. It’s all so cruel but we have to fight back and we only have ourselves to depend on now so we have to give ourselves all the love we can muster. My mom died after I lost my hubby and although we were estranged it hit me hard too. It just brings up all the horrible memories of previous loss to add to everything we are dealing with. A saying that hit me like a bolt of lightening is “we are born alone and die alone” so it’s a fight for survival, what choice do we have? Our time will come… as none of us get to defeat death so we have to find a reason to go on, that reason is our life. It’s a bloody nightmare Deb and you are not alone, remember that, big hugs x
Thanks i know but im bloody struggling so much and feeling so sad. I wear my heart on my sleeve! I love deeply and im finding this so hard … but thanks for your thoughts … x