1st christmas without mum

We all wish are mums back in my head I try not to think about it to much I think it’s my way of dealing with it a year down the line you learn to deal with it day by day but the hurt and pain doesn’t go away it will be with me forever I use to put a face on in front of people I think because you don’t want to bother anybody how you really fell I wish I could change the past

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My mum too didn’t want to go to hospital (I think maybe she wasn’t feeling right in those last days but didn’t tell me all of her symptoms for fear I would take her to hospital). At the end of the day we can’t know what would have changed. They can’t always save people’s lives in hospital and at least your mum had her wish, as did mine. I too was beating myself up about this, but I think it’s important to carry out our loved ones wishes, however difficult it is for us. At least they were at home which is where they wanted to be. I don’t know if your mum was elderly, but I think the elderly are very frightened to go into hospital at times. We have all just gone through an incredibly difficult time with Christmas and New Year, my firsts without mum. Be kind to yourself. I’m already dreading March what with Mother’s day and mum’s birthday, but trying to stay positive and think of the happy times together. It’s hard.

Mum was 83 it her birthday next week she would of been 85 the doctor ask me if I would like mum to go for rest bite but I said no because I new I wouldn’t get mum back out she had a bed sore it was a real bad one she had blood cancer to I think it was the bed sore that killed mum I think that’s why I fell guilty was it my fault

It wasn’t your fault at all sometimes we have to just take a step back and breathe pressure sores are awful and can cause all sorts of problems (i’m a nurse) there is a lot that goes on beyond what you can see on the surface. My mum would have been 89 next week :cry: xx

Mum was 88 and hated hospital i know we carried out her wishes but kept saying she wasn’t ready to die and she didn’t understand why the GP kept saying if she didn’t go into hospital there was a possibility she would die as they can’t treat her symptoms as well
You are all so kind it would be mums 89th birthday next week another really tough first without her :cry:

It was a grade 3 sore

Mum had them last year nothing to worry about the nurse was coming in and keeping a eye on them I was putting cream on them but mum came last October to stay with me as dad went into hospital she was with me for ten weeks I had her in the shower one day and noticed this sore if it came out of no we’re I phoned the nurses they came out and dressed it and said it was grade 3 it was downhill from there was it my fault should I of got mum on her feet more she wasn’t steady on her feet or was it the cancer that took her last may she got her blood done and that said her blood count was of the scale so they said a blood transfusion or chemo tablets or palliative my dad said she couldn’t take a transfusion or chemo it would be to much I wish I had got her more treatment sometime I fell we let her die

Don’t think it was your fault… it wasn’t!!
It’s normal in grief to blame ourselves… I think it’s our brain’s way of coping and feeling some control over the situation. Of course it isn’t logical. I spent my whole life overlooking mum’s health. She’d battled a stroke and vascular surgery in her 60s and cancer in her 70s and always said it was thanks to me that she made it through. I was always organising her appointments etc but now I feel I failed her at the end by not realising she was as ill she was. :disappointed:
I try to tell myself that she was frail and 85 and that nature was taking its course. We can’t always fix their health, but its human nature to want to hold on to them forever. Sending love and strength for your mum’s first birthday without her. :heart:

Take heart from the fact that you did what your mum wanted. Sometimes I think they just know what is best, hard as it is for us. Mum kept saying she was fed up of medical tests, doctors and hospitals and I really believe she was.
Sending love and strength for yr mum’s birthday without her.

Life is shit sometimes am getting my first grandchild in may so that’s my new focus

I lost my mom in july 2022 also to heart failure… im lost … im numb and i just cant seem to accept that shes gone :pensive: i cant see this feeling ever lifting … sorry im no help but just wanted to say you’re not alone

Your not alone to

Oh that’s lovely… something to definitely look forward to. When grieving we can often lose sight of the joy all around us.

Death from heart failure can come as such a shock because there are moments of seemingly improvement or stability and then sudden deterioration. Mum’s heart failure was advanced but stable… then suddenly her breathing was worse on exertion, then she was gone.
I really didn’t know that it could cause cardiac arrest. Mum’s hearr nurse hadn’t made that clear to us… maybe I would have been better prepared if I’d have known.
Know that you are not alone on this journey.

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aw lovely :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

The journey from hell

My mums defibrillator was turned off near the end of life, which we had been made aware when she had it fitted.
She passed away really peacefully which i know everyones end of life is totally different.
Amd yes the same her heart failure was advanced but stable however after seizures her heart failure progressed and she detoriated quickly once medication was stopped, i had 6 days extra with her longer than the hospital thought she would survive without medical intervention.
Amd i honnestly dont know how or when thr paon ever goes away i feel totally lost and not the same person as i use to be

You are so lucky that you got to spend those final days with yr mum, so close and tell her all you wanted to say.
Mum was with us but it happened so suddenly, I struggle a lot with not having been able to tell her how much I loved her, hug her and say goodbye. If only I had known…
I feel empty too… I’m not a daughter anymore. I’m an only child and since my dad died suddenly when I was 9 it’s been just me and mum. She went on another 41 years… but now shes gone I feel so alone.

It had always been me and mum , she divorced my dad when i was around 2 years old.
She always use to say to my little girl i was her best freind - which was strange as she had 2 best friends with friendships of 50 years but now shes gone i totally get what she ment and she was my best friend without me even realising so i understand how you feel.
And when she was in hopsital i got to tell her all what i wanted to say play vodeos from our recent trips to disneyland paris am not sure if she was aware or not but this gave me comfort.
We had visitors during the day friends family but it was mainly just us just how it always was the nurses said my friends could come but why would i want someone with is when we had that time just the 2 of us.
The counsellor suggested writing to her telling her how i felt and sometimes i even text her which is even funnier as she could never use her mobile i use to get me to read her the messages and reply to people but its away of sharing my feelings still with her.
I love looking at phoots or videos on my phone just to hear her voice or see her smile and now i get it when people say if i could just habe more time with them i miss her cuddles when am not a cuddle type of person or her telling me off for giving her my the side of my face when she went to kiss me

Likewise mum really was my best friend, I realise that now.
We didnt always see eye to eye and sometimes had our differences as we had similar temperaments, but ultimately we were always there for each other. We didnt show our feelings by hugging or saying I love you (which now I regret), but by our actions. I would have done anything for her and she knew that. I’m so so thankful that she was living with us at the end, I just wish I had treasured every minute of those last months.
The texting is a good idea.