1st christmas without mum

Hi, new here, but I feel i need some support from people who will understand how i am feeling.
My mum passed away 9 months ago although she had heart failure for around 5 years she was doing ok health wise untill she had a fall banging her head after having brain surgery she suffered 3 seizures and detoriated rapidly and passed away i spent the last 6 days of her life with her in hospital sleeping in her room with her which i feel totally blessed about and take comfort being with her.
But christmas was always a special time with her decorating her tree visiting garden centres buy decorations visiting santa with my little girl to christmas jumpers all out.
Its hard as i was providing lots of care for her before she fell we where going through carer process so i am still struggling with free time and then the guilt of doing things without her .
I either cry missing her or cry remembering happy memories is mixed emotions minute to minute i try to think today will be good but then i go to phone her drive past her house and it hits me again.
I have had counselling through work which helped and then started some through gp which was awful i didnt connect with counsellor.
I’ve taken onboard advice completjng memory diary and even wrote my mum a christmas card but still struggle, i know its early days and people say it gets easier but i cant imagine this as i just feel my whole life has changed and not in a good way.
Not sure what advice anyone can offer me but sometimes its nice to off load and talk to other people in a similar situation


Dear @Nanajo21

I can see that you’re new to the community. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I hope you find the community to be of support and of comfort to you.

The first Christmas is always very difficult as you tend to reflect on the last Christmas you had together as a family. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions with good days and bad days. Grief is a journey to be taken at your pace. I want to share a few resources with you that may help you right now.

  • self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief Our Grief Guide 1
  • Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
  • Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat. You may wish to consider this with Sue Ryder. Our Counsellors are amazing and very supportive. It may be worth you thinking about this due to your previous experience with Counselling.
  • Our Bereavement Information 1 pages which can walk you through what you are going through .

There is also a blog on Losing a Parent which may be of help and support to you. You can also connect with members here who have been in a similar situation as yourself by typing in the search bar Losing a Parent.

You are not alone, we are all here for you. Please continue to reach out any time.

Take care of yourself.


I am so sorry for your loss, nothing anyone can say will comfort the way you feel. This is something we all learn in time. Everyone who comes here is here because either the people around us don’t understand or we are struggling to say goodbye
I spent a long time in and out of hospital with my Dad,said goodbye a hundred times. Genuinely believed I was ready to say goodbye. But when he went it was so painful… I have no more family to lose except my kids I have said goodbye to so many
But we still have to carry on,because what is the alternative??


Sorry for your loss I lost my mum last dec one week before Christmas it a very hard journey I cried every day for months I tried to keep my self busy all the time I theirs to block it out if I don’t think about it it not real their will come a point we’re you crying get less our mums won’t want us upset every day I keep this in my head we can weep that their gone or we can smile that they lived

Hi, I lost my Mum in June last year, these last 6 months have been so painful. Like yourself I have so many happy memories, these make me cry and so many times when I wish I could just talk to her again. Typing this is making me tearful. I am happily married, have a lovely sister and a wonderful Dad,also lovely best friends, but still feel it’s hard to cope. I understand how you must feel.

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It is very hard I looked after my mum and I was so full of guilt I blamed myself I should have done something different or what did I do wrong and so on my dad died to last January three weeks after mum I think I just went numb because I couldn’t even cry for dad I felt terrible

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I lost my mum in July she was my rock i saw her 4 to 5 times a week and helped my sister care for her. She was a strong lady and fought until her last breath. I am broken and don’t feel i will ever be the same. I’ve had some sickness with work due to having a breakdown last year so when i took time off to grieve for my mum i was given a written warning for my time off. This has finished me off and has resulted in me resigning from my job i’ve done for the last 12 years. My dad died 22 years ago when i had a young family so i had to carry on, now i’ve lost my purpose in life i cry for her every day christmas was awful and i’m glad it’s over . Does anyone have any advice please? :cry:

So sorry for your lost losing your mum is heartbreaking as we all know their aren’t any words anyone can say to you to make you fell better I lost my mum a year ago and my dad you have to take one day at a time the way I deal with it I don’t think about it to much I think it my way of couping with it maybe that the wrong way I don’t no try and find a new focus they say time a healer I don’t no about that just keep talking

If you want to talk we’re all here for you xxx

thank you it’s taken me a while to engage with this community but am trying to make positive steps xx

Well you took the right step if you want to talk just message me

First of all I’m very sorry for your loss.

My situation is similar. I lost my precious mum in October very suddenly in our home. She too had heart failure, but her heart nurse had seen her a few weeks prior and said she was stable and had referred her back to her GP…
She had been living with my family for most of the previous 2 and a half years because I didnt want her to be alone (during Covid) and she was becoming more and more fragile.
It was such a shock. I am struggling because I didn’t see the signs beforehand even though she hadn’t been too good in those last days.
I feel I should have taken her to hospital and hugged her and told her how much I loved her in her last weeks/days, and spent more quality time with her instead of being preoccupied with my own problems. I would have done anything for her, but feel I let her down at the end by not realising her heart was failing. :disappointed_relieved:
Also I feel I have next to no support, especially from “close” friends, or so I thought. Some comments have been so insensitive and cruel. Others have been totally absent.
It’s a very lonely time. I miss her so much and not being able to let her know how much I loved her.

Thanks for hearing me out, I am new here. Sending love and strength to all.xx

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Thank you everyone for your replies and sorry for the late response.
So nice people understand how I am feeling, when people say your really strong or dont know how your coping - its easier to put on a brave face than tell them how you are feeling.

I agree lots of signs too that my mums heart was detoriating, from sleeping more eating less to not wanting to go out.
Then, when out struggling with her breathing and finding it hard to walk.
The heart nurse had agreed with me about getting carers in which now i think she must have seen whay i was seeing.
You where so lucky she lived with you and think of all the joy she must of had with you in lockdown, not being on her own not being frightened of the unknown
And like you i have the guilt should we have gone the hospital sooner when she banged her head she refused after a horrific experience with covid 3 months ealrier being left on the corridor for 48 hours .
We did lots of talkong through the door/ window and garden visits which now i think back and smile about.
We even had afternoon delivered on her birthday one of our favourite things to do just the girls we called it my mum me and my little girl special things you cant do again but times we will neber forget.
And yes people i thought where friends have not supported me how i thought no contact over christmas to see how i am says alot maybe its me being selfish people have their own lifes but a simple thinking about you would do.
One day at a time is how i am taking it and if its a bad day its hour by hour my work friends have been amazing and soon as i walk in they can tell how i am so its kettle on and a listening ear and its the people who you dont expect thatvhave been there for me small things you wont forget

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Yes I’m trying to focus on all the happy memories during those last years when she was with us. I too have a 10 yr old son : mum’s only grandchild and she adored him as much as he loved her. He misses her so much too.
Try to focus on those many happy memories with your daughter and mum, but I know that at times it’s so painful. In grief we do a lot of hindsight thinking, the could haves, should haves…but we are only human and we are not doctors. We did the best we could with the information that we had at the time.

Christmas and New Year were so hard without her. Mum loved it and all that it meant… decorating the house, food shopping and spoiing her beloved grandson.:heart:
There certainly is a lot to be grateful for . It was so quick, I just hope she didn’t suffer. We were supposed to be going out to lunch that day. She had laid her clothes ready on bed bless her… but sadly not to be…
You are lucky to have supportive colleagues. I feel that people just don’t know what to say so go silent when all I really want is to talk about mum and have somebody lend an ear.

I love talking about my mum :two_hearts: and sometimes get upset but thats ok i feel like am not forgetting not like i ever could but its nice to talk about her.
Yes my little girl and my mum had an amazing relationship she often talks about her but i feel she holds back on her emotions.
And deep down i know my mum would of hated csrers coming into her home, but then she always felt guilty me getting her up on our way to school/work going to do her dinner and then going back to put her to bed we only lived around the corner which was handy.
And after her brain surgery she would of needed rehabilitation so would of hated going into centre or nursing home one thing she made me promise was not to let her be in a vegative state or go into a nursing home.
Some people probably say nothing, but i prefer when people say something like I am sorry, i dont know what to say, honnesty.
I always find this an awkward situation and what to say hard well i dont now as i have been here.
Have you had any counselling?

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I think the blame game is just a part of grief I miss my mum every day and miss my dad like the simple Things like making them a cup of tea taking a paper down brushing my mum hair

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Yes the simple things as you say. The house still seems so empty eithout her…3 months along. If only I’d have known what was to be I would have treasured every single minute I had her and spent more quality time with mum. Just sitting with her on sofa and watching her favourite quiz shows or making her a cup of tea. What I would now give for those moments.

I started counselling recently because I kept getting flashbacks of finding mum and that sudden, traumatic element of her passing.
Mum too didn’t want carers or definitely not go into a home. For this I’m so grateful she was independent right up to the end. This is why I had her to live with us, although it wasn’t simple as I live in a different country and there was so much red tape after Brexit.
Today marks 3 months since her passing and in a way it seems like yesterday. I keep on going over and over those last days in my head, wishing I could change the outcome. You are further along on the grief journey, I’m wondering when I will be able to feel a little better? As you say we all have better and worse days.
I think our mums are looking down on us and don’t want us to be sad, but happy and are grateful for all we did.
I started a grief journal, writing mum a letter or my thoughts and sometimes her reply to me too. My therapist suggested this and it does help and make me think about what advice she would give me.

Oh i know exactly how you feel my mum has been very poorly for many years on and off but was such a fighter . She asked not to be taken back to hospital and we respected that but i beat myself up wondering if i’d have pushed her to go hospital she might still be with us something which i’ll never know. It’s soul destroying the level of grief you feel
:cry: I just want my mum back .

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