1st memoriam today

It’s a year today since I lost my younger sister to brain cancer, she was only just 50, and from diagnosis and symptoms to death took less than 4 months. It was traumatic for the whole family.

I can’t beleive it’s almost been a year. Yes I’m better at copeing and getting through the day without constantly breaking down but I’m still unable to beleive she’s gone it’s still not real, I still get angry and ask why. I still feel guilty for being alive, for starting to enjoy the odd thing. Today is tough.

My husband has totally forgotten the significance of today even though I’ve been talking about it over the weekend and saying how tough it’s going to be. He got up went to work said nothing. He rang me said nothing. He called back home saw me sat on sofa and said why you looking so bloody miserable, I said why do you think… God knows he said. I told him than told him to not utter another word to me but to f of back to work that him forgetting the significance hurt more than he could imagine he’s no excuse.

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How traumatic and sad. I’m sorry Paula - that must have been so frustrating and disappointing.

Can’t say anything to make this better, but feel for you, and it’s good to talk about it, both here and to friends and family aside from your husband.

I gave him a right telling of. I don’t expect the date to be forever imprinted in his mind but the 1st one when he knew I’d been sorting out flowers for my mum, ringing my neice ect. Just typical. He said he was sorry but I thought oh sod yer.

People assume I’ve got my husband to support me through my greif for my sister but the reality of it is he’s not very supportive in fact he doesn’t understand and has said move on. I feel that as an adult sibling looseing there only sister folks forget it’s impact on you they focus on the parents and spouse. I’ve had to hide my emotions to protect my parents. It’s made it tough.

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Hi @Paula51,

That sounds really horrid - I’m sorry you had such a difficult day, on top of what you must have already been feeling.

It’s odd isn’t it - I find some people actively swerve a conversation away from anything around death because they have absolutely no concept on how to deal with it. Some people, particularly if they’ve never experienced something similar or aren’t very emotionally aware, just forget after a few months or have ridiculous expectations of how you ‘should’ be dealing with it.

Either way - he is your partner and there’s a heavy implication in that word. Whether he understands what you’re feeling and why or not, he should care about how his actions impact you.

You might find this interesting, either just for you or for your husband to watch too - it talks about the hated ‘moving on’ phrase!
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en#t-345731

Sue Ryder also has this page, perhaps you can leave this for him too! https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/coping-with-grief-bereavement/supporting-someone-bereaved

Either way I’m glad you have this space so you can come and share exactly how you feel.

Nikki

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Agree people assume a husband or partner is an ideal support but this is not always the case. It is hard. I find going for walks alone helps a little

@Paula51 give it a few days and sit your husband down and calmly explain that the anniversary of your sister’s death is and always be important to you, and you need his support and compassion. I did this in the first year that I knew my partner and explained how important it was to me every year to celebrate the life of someone very special to me. He had not appreciated the importance of it to me, but always made an effort to be supportive for the subsequent years while he was alive. I hope it works for you. Sending you virtual hugs. Xx

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Dear Paula,
Unfortunately this inability of a spouse to help a grieving partner is something that I’m all too well acquainted with.
Less than a week after my mother died, I was told : " don’t you think it’s about time you stopped crying?"
Two days after my father died, he said the same lousy, insensitive thing. I will say though, at that point he had not lost his own parents - and could not empathise - but heck - he didn’t even sympathise. In fact when they did die - I conducted their funerals because he was too shaky and upset - how ironic!
Now the boot is very much on the other foot and my husband is in end-of-life care with only weeks to live. However, he has an awful illness and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Even though I no longer love him, throughout his illness I have done all I can to help make him more comfortable. Although at this point I can predict that people will be expecting me to weep and wail (I will of course feel sad for our children’s sake) I will mainly feel relief to be finally free.
I was too much of a coward to divorce him when he was bullying and abusing me - but now, nature is allowing me to dispense with the legal niceties by putting a dirty great FULL STOP to all the years of heartache.
If you are married to someone who is incapable of supporting you through the most heart breaking time of your life - then I would urge you to examine your relationship and consider whether it might be better to ditch him rather than put up with such a selfish, unfeeling person and waste years of precious life in a state of constant upset and resentment.
The question I would ask you is this - If you became ill - would he actually have the guts to stick around and help you through it?
My husband made such a scene in hospital when I was very ill, not because he cared about me - but because he was annoyed that I wasn’t back at home cooking his meals and being a doormat. The nurses were so worried about my welfare, that they kindly recommended a much longer stay to give me some respite from him and his callous attitude.
The death of a dearly loved one gives you a massive opportunity to re-examine your entire life and make the most of every day. Please don’t end up like me, with fingers crossed - hoping that my husband’s passing will come very, very soon and finally end almost 50 years of misery.
I wish you all the luck in the world - and for now I’d say at the very least, invest in a punchbag so you can punch out your grief, anger and distress.

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