This is the very first time Ive done this, reached out I mean.
Our son Daniel took his own life in 2015 he was just 32 years old.
He had suffered with paranoid schizophrenia since about the age of 19 and as well as his prescribed medication he also used drugs and alcohol to help him cope with life.
He was quiet but funny, always had smart hair and loved nice clothes, he was a very thoughtful young man that loved his family but was very mixed up and misunderstood.
He had tried to take his life on many occasions but his dad was always able to talk him round or had got to him in time but on the 10th January 2015 my husband missed his message to his mobile phone as we slept and Daniel killed himself and died.
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Tragically we lost another son on 4th June 2021, He was just 32 years old and has left behind a partner and 3 beautiful young children.
As a mother how does one recovery from thatā¦ out living 2 of your 9 children.
Our first son aged 33 had taken his own life in 2015 and although we can never recover from that we knew he was mentally ill, we have found some comfort in the fact that - Although he didnāt want to leave us, we understood he just couldnāt bear to stay. Life was just too difficult for him no matter what.
But the death of our second son has just floored me. I feel broken beyond broken.
Itās almost a year ago since he died suddenly and Iām still crying myself to sleep at night. My memory is shocking. I donāt know who I am anymore. I go to bed at night hoping that this is all a mistake. I wake hoping itās been a terrible nightmare , then I realise itās true all over again . The grief and pain are so bad I canāt see the point in anything much anymore. The world goes on around me yet I donāt feel part of it anymore. I feel like screaming āmy son is deadā . I am screaming on the inside yet silently crying on the outside. My husband can normally fix anything but sadly he canāt fix this, he canāt make it all go away, he canāt stop the pain, he canāt bring our sons back. I donāt know how I can recovery this time. My husband says I need to be strong for those that are left as I did before when our first son died but I donāt feel that I can. Iāve had to be a resilient woman in my life but sadly I feel there is nothing left of me.
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Bking,
I felt when my hubby passed I had to āacceptā it was his time - but your story is something else.
Nothing anyone says at the moment could possibly ease your pain & anguish.
Thinking of you
G. Xx
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Thank you 
Hello @Bking, I am so sorry for the loss of your sons - there is nothing that I can say that will lessen the pain youāre going through.
I want to reassure you that you are not alone. We have a Losing a child section, where you might find people whoāve had similar experiences.
Iām wondering if you have been able to speak to anyone about what youāre feeling, maybe the GP? It does sound like you could really do with some extra support right now. You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
Please do keep reaching out to us, we are listening.
Take care
Seaneen
Hi Bking- so sorry to hear about the loss of your sons. It sounds as if you are having a really tough time. I hope in some way that I can empathise with you in some way .My middle son Aid died in September 2021 and heartbreakingly my youngest son died 11 weeks later. My Gp at the time said your going to be on a long rough road for a long time - throw out all the rule books. I did buy a couple of books but gave up in the end . The grief is is in fact too much and sometimes it feels unbearable and exhausting. I hop from one boy to another grieving and experiencing all the emotions we can experience. The body reacts with all sorts of ailments and on top of that we still fight on and I think our instinct is still to survive for our families our other children.
I am helped by my GP , a counsellor and a couple who will be with me on this rough road , letting me lead the way. I hope that you have or can have the support you need . I am early on this road and know that things get tougher as time goes on. I sometimes wake up and feel I am back to day one but without the numbness. I send love to you and your family and your two lovely boys. Hope that there are people on here further along than I can support you too.love j
Thank you for your message Jenna, Iām so sorry to hear you have also lost two sons and I can only wish you well. I donāt know what else to say, there arenāt any words of help or comfort I feel I can offer you. Sorry Iām having a terrible day today and now feel I have to reply to other grieving people when I can hardly cope with my own loses. Sorry
Sorry there . I am sure there are people on here who can help and support you who are further on their grief journey. I understand what you are saying.se doing lo e
BKING - forgive my typing on last post. J
No one will be expecting a reply, so donāt put extra pressure on yourself.
G. Xx
Thank you for your time and kind words to me but Iām not going to be able to message like this. I donāt know why I thought this might be helpful. Maybe I just thought āIāll try anything , something. I feel that I canāt deal with other peoples pain and grief right now as well as my own and my familyās. Thereās so much hurt in this world
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Bking I am so, so, sorry for your losses. I also lost my adult daughter 7 years ago due to suicide she was schizophrenic and she was in so much pain that she took her life and
I lost my 22-old son October of 20 21. I understand what you mean as far as grief is different in each situation. When my daughter died of course I grieved, but I also was relieved that she was not in pain anymore so my grief was different. With my son it has been excruciatingly painful. He was so young and had so much of his life to live. I truly understand, I am not too far along in my grieving but I can say little by little you will notice some change but right now itās going to be hard, but you will get through it 