2 years since husband died - makes no difference

I lost my husband two years ago in December and it could have been two weeks ago to be honest for all the difference it makes. I really don’t know how I have survived, and if it wasn’t for my family and my grandchildren I don’t think I would have at all. I see my son mostly (this bubble thing) and he helps me with practical stuff, but I feel so needy. Apart from the last couple of years my husband was very hands on with everything. We were married for 46 years and I just can’t get used to life without him. I have had quite a few photos turned into canvases on the wall, so wherever I am, so is he. I don’t think there is one day goes by without me crying and desperately wanting him back. I know for sure that he wouldn’t want me to be like this, and to enjoy our grandchildren. Thankfully, he did get to meet our little Cole who was just over one at the time, but he is our only grandson and my husband would have loved to spend time with him. He is now three and a little monkey, and I laugh at and with him, but always I then feel so sad that his grandad can’t be with him. I just cannot imagine a time when I won’t feel this way.

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Leslie, time is not the issue because we are all different and for some they get over the loss quickly others longer. If you think some counselling would help then try but don’t worry to much about crying, just have fun with your grandson. I am further along this lonely road and I still cry and I too have lots of photos to talk too. 46 is a good number but it is never long enough. This past year hasn’t helped anyone trying to have a kind of new normal life but 2021 will be better, I like to say “I promise” ! Bless you and your family.

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Hi Susie, thank you for your reply - I am going to try my best to pick myself up x

Hello, please don’t try to hard because what is happening to you is normal and grieving takes not only time but your energy. Take care and see how 2021 turns out. There’s no way that you can rush or beat it. Take each day as it comes. Look after yourself. xx

Leslie I have just read your post and everything you mention is how I feel My husband died in April 2020 of covid He had been unwell for several years and had underlying health conditions We were together for 45 years married for 43 years and I cry everyday it’s just so sad and lonely when you ve lost
the person you’ve shared most of your life with I wish I could turn the clock back and relive our time together Like yourself I’ve photos of him around the house and I talk to him all the time but it’s not the same I know he would want me to be happy but it’s hard especially the way things are at the moment We just have to keep going for their sakes
Take care. Christine

Hi Christine, nothing seems to get any better. I thought by now I might feel a little better, but I don’t. This Christmas period makes everything worse too, and of course the virus. I am so sorry to hear your husband died of covid - how sad. I suspect my husband probably would have got this - he had COPD and had had pneumonia for the third time when he died. I guess I am lucky in a way as I was able to stay at the hospital for hours on end and myself and daughter were with him when he passed away. I was eighteen when we got married and lost him when I had just turned 65. I talk to him all the time but it’s not the same at all, is it? I just thought we would grow old together. Nothing to be done except keep putting a brave face on - that is until I lock the door and feel so lonely on my own. Thank you for replying xx

Hi Leslie my husband also hadcopd caused by side effects of treatment for lymphoma in 2017 The chemo gave him numerous bouts of pneumonia sepsis blood clots in his lungs arm and leg He was in intensive care for awhile and had to have his chemo reduced but still went into remission The cancer had spread to his spine and he needed radiotherapy Then during 2018/19he was inand out of hospital every other month with chest infections He was on oxygen all the time and had a ventilator athome Healso had a nervous breakdown during this time In January 2020 he went into a nursing home His legs and feet swelled up and started leaking fluid After all this and his struggles to keep going he caught covid He went to hospital but had to die on his own shut away in a room by himself Sorry to have gone on but it was good to get all this off my chest! During 2018 I had a major operation myself and I found it more and more difficult to look after him so he went into the home to help me He was 69 when he died Always positive and optimistic he never complained and when I remember him I keep going for him because he never gave up Its very lonely trying to live without the one you love in you life I’ve looked at a lot of things about grief on YouTube I found the talkby Kelly Lynn entitled when some one you love dies there’s no such thing as moving on to have a lot of meaning I also write a diary from time to time to get it off my chest thoughts feelings things I want to say about him or to him memories just anything because there’s no one to talk to and there’s so much you want to say I have found this helps me
Christine

O.

Also Leslie I just wanted to say that I wouldn’t be worrying too much about feeling like you do after 2 years I used to think like that that I should be feeling better as time went on until I realised these feelings are natural and grief isn’t like an illness that gets better because how can you move on when love is the only thing that never dies? I’ve accepted how I feel for now and don’t worry about how I’ll feel in the future I do agree the loneliness is very hard and not having the person you love to share your life with anymore very difficult I met my husband when I was 17 then again when I was 18 and married 2 years later for 43 years like yourself it’s a whole lifetime and even though nothing can change your situation it’s comforting in a way to know that others are going through the same as yourself and can relate to you
Take care
Christine

My heart goes out to you - I’m like this, I would have thought that 18 months on I’d be out of the woods - oh no. Life as it is at the moment doesn’t help. Another thing that many say, is that you get tons of support and sympathy just after. Two years on for anyone outside your grief just seems no longer relevant and yet, that pain doesn’t go away. All my love xx

Hello
Thanks for your kind reply
I agree with you that as time goes by other people just assume you must now be ok and that you’ve moved on whatever that means and that you’ve got over it They obviously dont have any idea of what it’s really like to lose a loved one and to have to live your life without them I think you have to experience the loss yourself to know how it really feels It’s scary to think that in a couple of months time it’ll be a year since my husband died I haven’t moved on any where better and I still love and remember him and feel so lonely Perhaps these other people can tell me where I should have moved on to
Thinking of you
Christine x

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It does seem that people assume that two years later, things will be much better and you will be able to ‘move on’. This is not the case at all - your whole life as you knew it is now gone and it takes so long to adjust. For me, not one day since has been in any way ok, and like I say people think you must be much better, when the reality is that myself personally, am not much better at all. I have a cousin who lost her husband six years ago, and though I know everybody is different, she is a very strong person but still says she is only very lately seeing some light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I certainly think if you are not in this position, try as you might you cannot understand how the bereaved person feels.

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