20 years and still not right

Sorry all of this isn’t in the right place , or the right context , I googled bereavement support and this came up , I’m just going to dive in
I lost my father 20 years ago on the 1.2 03 , ( even the 1-2-3 hurts )
Ananplastic cancer of the thyroid , him and my mam were childhood sweethearts , from being 16 til he wasn’t here when he was 56 , it’s been 20 years, used to be every minute of every hour , now it’s maybe only 5 or 6 times a day I think about him , ive Nevwr forgiven my brother for not being there at the end and I recently kicked off with him about it after my mam had a heart attack - my grieving is complex and I don’t understand it & im not sure why I’m here as I normally like to contribute positive things - just looking for some other views I think , sorry again - I’m just a bit lost but not lost , I have a wife of 30 years - a grand daughter - a mam whom I’m so close to and who is do anything for - but my elder brother has contributed nothing since my dad, and even after been given a second chance after my mam had a heart attack he hasn’t covered himself on glory , he’s done nothing wrong so to speak - but he’s done nothing right - no argument / discussion about financial stuff so it’s not that - but how can he not step up ? He’s 54 I’m 51 - even just typing this seems so juvenile / childish / Jeremy Kyle ish - but I recently lost my cool and said things that although true I shouldn’t have said - sorry for putting this on other people but it’s good to vent - sorry -


Please dont ever be sorry. you have every right to be angry . Sorry you are not getting any help from your brother but some people just dont think of anyone else . Also im come to realise there is no time limit on grief its been 16 months for me and im not doing to good although everyone thinks i should be getting on with it by now. No i dont want to im got nothing to look forward to now all the plans we had went out of the window over night and my life changed instantly. So just look after yourself and let others get on with it.sod em thats what i say now. My friends disappeared after funeral all there promises just a load of crap.

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I am so sorry about that and can already feel signs of it from some people. I have got good friends that are making a real effort for me but for me it is difficult to be with other couples that have each other. That is a big issue for me.

Does anyone else struggle like that? Are there any groups where we could all meet or are we scattered round the country?

Hello Charm

I appear to be getting the same reaction but mainly from my partners friends. My partner died in December2022 and all the rhetoric from her friends of(we will keep in touch,we will phone )hasn’t materialised even though they would talk to me while she was alive.
Maybe they feel embarrassed to call I don’t know but it just feels like they have abandoned me now.
I hate going into places on my own now because I see couples together and I think where’s my other half, but I’m sure I will get over that hurdle in time but it’s still raw at moment.
Keep your chin up Charm
Sending hugs

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Big hugs to you too. Sometimes people start to feel territorial about their partners even though they will end up going through the same thing. Only then do people understand xx

I feel that our love is already eternal. I have paid and planned my funeral and will etc as we had never done it. Rob is in a green burial site and I have to be cremated in order to go in the same plot. I ordered the plaques and have written pages of instructions about everything. It will be humanist and my ashes will be buried near his left hand side.

I put my wedding ring on him and tons of pictures and letters from everyone. He wore his Buddy Holly tshirt.

My jewellery and his wedding ring that I wear will go in with pictures after my cremation as the jewellery melts and they keep it!

I feel most at home at the burial site to be honest.

Take care xx

Yes we all react differently I suppose. I have jeans ashes sitting on the book case. I am going to put some of her ashes in lockets for her granddaughters and her son is going to have some down in colchester and I am thinking of laying the rest at sea when I go on the cruise I had booked for us before she was taken from me. xx

Hi @Charm . Now you mention Buddy Holly, his True Love Ways always make me think of Penny both when she was here, and now she isn’t. A wonderful song with very appropriate lyrics.

Ive just been playing it, and now I’ll see if I can play it on my guitar.

Yes we both loved it - his Eddie Cochran t- shirt is with him also and some Beatles. He has letters photos - you name it in with him. I am taking tons of stuff in with me when I go in the same plot. Home from home. It is a green burial site so I will be cremated and go in with him on the top left hand side where I always was xxx