I’ve just lost my partner & the thought of doing the rest of my life without him just seems unmanageable. I want to feel better because my heart hurts so much, but at the same time I want to feel awful to show how much I loved him. And if I live for another 20 or 30 years, how will I do it? Is there a way to make it manageable without losing a sense of how much a part of me he was?
1 Like
I lost my husband 11 weeks ago , I am 56, he was my third time lucky hubby after two previous abusive marriages we were together nearly 24 years and got married sep 2022! So I know I don’t want anyone else, he was my “one” now the thought of 30+ years without him! I really do not know how we do it without them? x
2 Likes
That’s the question I would like an answer to as well @Wispa2024
I’m 52 and the thought of a possible 30+ years without him feels hideous. I’m 3 months in, but sorry - I have no answers as yet. Maybe someone else has some wisdom to share ??
I’m so sorry you are here - I hope you find some support and understanding on this site. Xxx
2 Likes
It is sometimes comforting to know what the future holds when you’re with the person you love… And when someone first finds there way here to Sueryder all scared, in pain… Really the only important thing should be about getting through 1 day and not worrying to far ahead.
1 day is hard enough at the beginning, mastering getting out of bed each morning and not breaking down and wishing you could just hide back under the quilt and not have anything to do with the day… Getting that mastered is a mission and a half.
Everyone’s futures will reveal itself as we all go along… So try not to worry about how your cope for the next 40years… It’s baby steps for a while sadly.
6 Likes
I mentioned on this site somewhere before, that my daughter said to me “I wonder what will happen next”.
I’ve spent the last 2 days in my house as I need a break from the World. But from past experiences, something will happen, I know it will.
My life changed completely 8 years ago, and so much has already been experienced by me.
I need to get back out there, but not until I’m ready.
We need to keep going, only we know when the time is right for us. This cannot be our future for the next however many years.
2 Likes
Well said , sadly I suffer from anxiety and this has become worse by my husbands sudden passing , and part of anxiety is always jumping ahead , and “what if” your perfectly right , it’s one hour at a time , then one day, etc and take it from there x
2 Likes
I lost my wife 9 weeks ago after being together as a couple for 29 years. She was 52 and I’m 55. I have the same thoughts as you as to how I am going to cope for the next number of years with this constant sadness.
1 Like
Wise words @Lostinlimbo
I’m trying to live more day to day at the moment but I’m finding it hard. I’m a planner so I’m always organising things in advance, holidays and outings etc
I really worry that I will become like my mum, who just gave up after my dad died 6 years ago and is now very lonely, depressed and has become physically unwell due to inactivity and refusing all offers of support.
She tells me it never gets any better and I just can’t let myself believe that, because then there would be no hope at all.
One day at a time is a good plan for now 
1 Like
I’m so sorry for your loss @StuartC - it truly is so crap that we lose our loved ones so young and when we thought we had years ahead of us.
Is just so difficult to comprehend. Sending strength to you xx
1 Like
I am a planner too ! And it was always things that involved nick ! Last month it was going to Jersey this month it is going to Hampton court garden festival, august was liverpool and September our wedding anniversary was at St Ives ! Last summer we enjoyed doing a little break each month rather than one big holiday , now I kind of regret booking it all ! I am off to Hampton court Thursday but I have cancelled the wedding anniversary in September ! Nick always just went along with it and would say “where we off to ?”
2 Likes
Completely agree Jane. I’m a planner and like you always had something organised for the next adventure and my partner was happy to just go with it.
10 weeks in after my beloved partner passed away suddenly and I’m finding the reality of a lonely life very scary. So sorry for everyone who find themselves on this site and whilst it goes against my nature, 1 day at a time ( 1 hour even) is the best way to deal with it. Looking ahead any further is too overwhelming.
Had a reasonable day yesterday but woken up this morning back in the pits of despair.
What a dreadful journey this is that we are all on and never asked for.
Sending love and strength to you all xx
1 Like
I am glad you said one day at a time goes against your nature says me who has “torvill and Dean tickets for next year booked since January of this year in Liverpool ! My hubby just got out the credit card and said “oh go on then book it “ he was prepared to go with me even though it really wasn’t his thing ! I love “knowing in advance “ just didn’t know he was going to die in April that certainly was not planned x
1 Like
Your post mirrors exactly how I’m feeling. I lost Tony 3 and a half years ago now I’m 58 now but feel like I’m in limbo. I don’t ‘fit’ into any categories anymore. Couple friends dont include me in social stuff, single friends are often looking for another partner and I definitely am too young to be spending my time socialising with my mums age group. I can pass the days by planning things. I work part time weekends in a job I really enjoy and look after my 4 year old grandson a couple of times a week which is an absolute joy but I’m struggling to find my niche Spent most of this week crying but then feel guilty about it because at least I’m here having a life whilst my lovely Tony was denied his. I know that I definitely don’t want another partner mainly for selfish reasons in that I don’t want to give up the freedom I have to do what I want when I want. I know that must sound really contradictory 
I want a social life but not the trappings of someone else and their extended family to try to negotiate. But at the moment I just can’t bear the thought of another 20+ years without Tony x
2 Likes
Yes Jane that was the one thing we hadn’t planned! Passing away suddenly in April. We’d booked tickets for Cabaret in August. He didn’t particularly like going to the theatre but it was for my birthday so was happy to go along for me xx
Doesn’t sound selfish at all Julie. I am only 10 weeks in but can’t see myself with anyone else. I’m partially retired and my friends are all starting to retire and make plans. I feel like my future and retirement plans have been taken away so facing a very lonely future with no idea how to fill it.
Like you I don’t want to socialise with single friends who are looking for someone else or end up in a group of much older people.
Sorry if that sounds whinging but can’t get my head around what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my life. Whilst we did socialise it was always just the two of us, which we preferred xx
1 Like
That’s exactly it. I feel so envious of the couples going into retirement together. It’s not whinging it’s heartache not being able to be with the one you still love
1 Like
@Julie55 your post resonates with me completely.
I’m only 3 months in but already I feel like I don’t fit in with others.
My divorced friends are looking for another partner or out leading a single life, and that’s really never going to be for me.
We were still bringing up our kids really and that was our focus at the moment until our youngest finishes school in a couple of years time. Then I was worried about how I would adapt to an empty nest. Now my nest will be completely empty and that just fills me with such sadness and dread I’m not sure how I will manage.
I am so glad you have a good job and a grandchild - they are fantastic positives that can bring some joy when you are feeling low.
Sending love and strength xx
1 Like
Work and grandkids are an enjoyable distraction but there’s a big aching hole in my heart Lots of love and strength to you maybe we’ll all bump into each other one day and have a lovely solo holiday together x
2 Likes
Nick was the same with the theatre he would go along with me but would rather not ! I took him to see “blood brothers “ I had seen it many times I live in Devon but I am from Liverpool and also Nick was adopted at birth so blood brothers he left in tears ! Bless him x
1 Like