Hi it’s been nearly 20 years I lost my partner, it changed me a lot, I did have a little counselling back then, but it’s never long enough in my eyes, as grief is with you all the time I think. I pushed everyone away that was part of it and don’t talk about it now, not for many years. Over the years I have just got on with life. Recently I realise I am so angry and sad still and probably always have been since that day. Am I using grief as an excuse now after all this time? I am very good at hiding it now, as far as I know people just think I’m a bit moody sometimes. How do I know where these feelings are coming from and how can I change it as I’ve realised it’s very lonely even though I have people around me.
Hello @Hugpip ,
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your partner that brings you here. There is unfortunately no timeline for how long grief lasts or how you should feel.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
You may also find this Sue Ryder Article helpful: How long does grief last? | Bereavement Support | Sue Ryder
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hello @Hugpip
There is no timeline to grief. I know a friend whose Mum grieved for 30 years and was so angry with people and at life itself, she was like that until she herself died. She was 49 when her husband died of a heart attack in front of her and her children. She always felt why did it happen to her and couldn’t tolerate peoples small problems. My MIL grieved 13 years for her husband, she said to me the way she copes is she blocks out the grief…but she didn’t as she loss so much weight, hardly ate and was depressed, but she would go out into town weekly with me and we had a laugh.
As you mentioned the loss of your partner changed you, it does. I get excited about things but then the deep sadness of Martin not here to share any of it with me gets to me.
I also feel that the nature of the relationship we had with our loved one, the circumstances of the death, our coping mechanism and the support we have can all influence how long grief lasts. I find grief exceptionally hard on special occasions, xmas, easter etc. Martin never got to meet our first grandchild, this makes me so sad as my grandson would of loved him.
Take care.
Amy xx
Thank you Amy, I don’t want to feel angry at everyone and everything anymore, I need to find a way of changing things but after 20 years I don’t see how I can at the moment. Maybe talking to people on here is a good first step.
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I went away on my own and there was only one other lady there in the same boat.
I had someone ask me why I was on my own as if I wasn’t supposed to be.
I found that very horrid.
Just because others didnt do it.
I feel it is better to be on your own than with people you do not want to be with.
But in end got fed up with it and tought I am going back to my room rather than put up with it. Felt were they thinking I was going to want to encroach. Not so.
Another strategy was to have a bag full of distractions (knitting, embroidery, reading, phone, drawing, puzzles) so could just get so engrossed did not have to watch. Another idea was to draw cartoons of everyone but disguise that I was. Then make up imaginary stories of them.