20 years

Coping with bereavement
1

Hi it’s been nearly 20 years I lost my partner, it changed me a lot, I did have a little counselling back then, but it’s never long enough in my eyes, as grief is with you all the time I think. I pushed everyone away that was part of it and don’t talk about it now, not for many years. Over the years I have just got on with life. Recently I realise I am so angry and sad still and probably always have been since that day. Am I using grief as an excuse now after all this time? I am very good at hiding it now, as far as I know people just think I’m a bit moody sometimes. How do I know where these feelings are coming from and how can I change it as I’ve realised it’s very lonely even though I have people around me.

1 Like
2

Hello @Hugpip ,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your partner that brings you here. There is unfortunately no timeline for how long grief lasts or how you should feel.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help.

You may also find this Sue Ryder Article helpful: How long does grief last? | Bereavement Support | Sue Ryder

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

3

Hello @Hugpip

There is no timeline to grief. I know a friend whose Mum grieved for 30 years and was so angry with people and at life itself, she was like that until she herself died. She was 49 when her husband died of a heart attack in front of her and her children. She always felt why did it happen to her and couldn’t tolerate peoples small problems. My MIL grieved 13 years for her husband, she said to me the way she copes is she blocks out the grief…but she didn’t as she loss so much weight, hardly ate and was depressed, but she would go out into town weekly with me and we had a laugh.

As you mentioned the loss of your partner changed you, it does. I get excited about things but then the deep sadness of Martin not here to share any of it with me gets to me.

I also feel that the nature of the relationship we had with our loved one, the circumstances of the death, our coping mechanism and the support we have can all influence how long grief lasts. I find grief exceptionally hard on special occasions, xmas, easter etc. Martin never got to meet our first grandchild, this makes me so sad as my grandson would of loved him.

Take care.
Amy xx

4

Thank you Amy, I don’t want to feel angry at everyone and everything anymore, I need to find a way of changing things but after 20 years I don’t see how I can at the moment. Maybe talking to people on here is a good first step.

2 Likes
5

I went away on my own and there was only one other lady there in the same boat.
I had someone ask me why I was on my own as if I wasn’t supposed to be.
I found that very horrid.
Just because others didnt do it.
I feel it is better to be on your own than with people you do not want to be with.
But in end got fed up with it and tought I am going back to my room rather than put up with it. Felt were they thinking I was going to want to encroach. Not so.

Another strategy was to have a bag full of distractions (knitting, embroidery, reading, phone, drawing, puzzles) so could just get so engrossed did not have to watch. Another idea was to draw cartoons of everyone but disguise that I was. Then make up imaginary stories of them.

6

Hi, i joined this group a few months ago, at the time i felt a bit of a fraud, everyone or most of the folks on here were suffering from recently lost loved ones. Well i lost my wife of 39 years. I was told about and offered counselling but refused it incase getting over the grief would mean getting over and forgetting her. Well she died five years ago this month. I never drew the curtains because i hoped I’d see her approaching home one more time. But someone in this group mentioned about not opening their curtains after a chat with them and after five years I’ve now learnt and managed to close them. I also turned to alcohol as i had and still have no friends. We did everything together socialising and holidaying every opportunity. Well alcohol made it worst. But i can now say after meeting a certain person I’ve been a few weeks dry, no beer no wine and no strong liquor. So this group has helped me more than i expected. I can now say and see that i pushed away a lot of people and help mistakenly feeling that my grief was mein and mien alone. Outwardly everyone would say how well i looked because it was all a farcical lie. I was literally dieing inside, to anyone reading this grief never goes away, we just learn how to live with it or how to put it away until required. To anyone that has managed to read the whole thing, can i say we all hurt in our own way and we all heal in our own way. Small steps, just a small step at a time.

2 Likes
7

Well I read it
Popped up
Yes true
Good you wrote about it
Glad to know

1 Like