It is 4 weeks tonight that my world collapsed. When he died, and took part of me with him. Not that tonight will be any different to the last 28, it’s just another night. My brain is still in a fog, my hands still shake. I can’t sleep or eat and I can’t remember things I have done or not done.
People tell me to just do what needs doing. But it all needs doing, I have to keep going because my daughter needs me. I have to fill in those forms, do that laundry, cook dinner because it needs doing and there’s nobody but me to do it. I don’t have a choice, we will be buried under a ton of paperwork. The responsibility is crippling. Most of the information I need is on the laptop and what took my husband minutes takes me hours and my poor brain just isn’t up to it at the best of times and this is the worst of times.
Looking after my daughter, the house and the garden is a full-time job. All the added death-stuff is just too much. I decided to do nothing extra today but the time was just spent crying and feeling guilty for being so useless. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, especially my husband, but if it was me that had died I think he would have handled it more efficiently. He certainly wouldn’t have scratched the car and would be better at the admin stuff and knew how all the gadgets work. Okay, he would be relying on take-aways to feed himself and our daughter and he was rubbish with storytelling and crayoning books. At night he would be listening to music (if you can call heavy metal ‘music’)! He could sleep on a clothes-line, whereas I have always found it difficult to sleep when I am anxious. He was laid-back and always telling me not to worry about things. I feel like a tangled ball of sadness and worry just waiting for the next problem. I just love and miss him so much. The fact that I have been widowed twice doesn’t help at all. Just like losing a mum hurts, even if you lost your dad 20 years previously. It isn’t something you can ever get used to, if anything I think the losses are cumulative. I must have buried all my memories of the pain, shock and numbness last time because this has knocked me out of orbit. I keep shouting ‘It’s not fair’ like a spoilt child.
Im so sorry to hear you are going through such a horrific time. But please give yourself credit for what you have achieved. You are looking after your child and despite all your heartbreak you are still getting through each day. Sending you a hug
Good morning @Willow112
I hope you’ve woken feeling more optimistic. It’s a rough old journey this grief isn’t it. The smallest of tasks is huge isn’t it. It’s amazing how much is knocks you off your feet and everything feels so overwhelming.
I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are doing amazingly well for you and your daughter, you really are. You can do anything you put your mind to it just may take you longer.
When you feel like you can make yourself a drink and write yourself a list of what needs to be done. Then tick of when you feel strong enough to complete an extra task, maybe decide to get a takeaway and do one of the tasks instead of cooking tea. There’s no rush, things can wait. The most important thing is you and your daughter. If you need to cry and watch a movie or do some colouring then do just that.
We are only ever given what we can cope with, not like we would choose to be in the situation. It’s just hard to see the wood for the trees.
You’ve got this, you really have. Be kind to yourself and be brave xx
Thank you Katyh, You are very kind and your reply really resonated, especially the bit about never being given more than we can cope with. It reminded me of something my mum said - ‘When God gives you a task, he always gives you shoulders wide enough to do it’. That was when my daughter’s special needs were diagnosed. I resolved then to always do my best for her as long as I was able.
In my wallowing I had forgotten that. Thank you for reminding me what is actually important, that has given me strength to get through today.
I am so thankful for this site. Xx
Good morning Willow so sorry you are feeling like this and everything seems overwhelming. I could have written this and decided to take others advice and just do one thing each day. You said you decided not to do anything one day and the world didn’t stop did it. Try and be kind to yourself. You are doing an amazing job even though you think you aren’t. Hope today is better for you xx
Bless you! Hope your having a better day. Your mum sounds wise. It’s amazing how strong we actually are 
not that it feels like it at times. I think grief will change us forever. I read that it does change us and we will never be the same after. I think if we have dealt with this, we could literally deal with anything! Nothing could have prepared us for this, I am amazed of the variation and unpredictablity of emotions! Xx
I totally get it.
So much sounds very familiar,
I don’t know how many times I have said, cried and shouted It’s not fair.
The truth is, it is not fair!
Stating the obvious you are dealing with so much and then extra problems can arise.
It’s no wonder you are exhausted and emotional.
Please be kind to yourself.
Sending love and hugs,
Rose 
xx