28 months

Losing a partner
#1

I’m sorry but I have to say in advance, this is not a good post, there is no inspiration here.

June passed 28 months ago. I thought it would start to get easier, not better, just being able to cope a bit more. It’s not.

The last couple of weeks have been the worst – I had to talk to the Samaritans at 2am Monday morning. They do mean well, I actually felt sorry for the guy I spoke to. He couldn’t help, just kept saying how good it was that I called. I’m ashamed to say I hung up on him. They are good people trying to help complete strangers – I hope he’s ok.

So, I’ve been taking stock. I have a few very close friends – 50 years plus they’ve known me so they should know me quiet well by now. In the last few months more than one has said “good to see that you’re getting on with life”, “you need to enjoy what time you still have”, “you might meet someone”. I’m not getting on, I’m not enjoying my time, and I have already met that someone and now she’s gone.

I tell myself that they mean well, that they’d been upset if they knew how I felt about their comments, I know that they don’t understand where I am. But they’ve hurt me.

I’ve decided that none of that matters. They may mean well but they are upsetting me, and because of society’s norms I can’t say anything.

So, I am not “moving on” – I don’t want to. “It’s not what she would have wanted” – how do they know? I’m not “enjoying what I have” – I’m hurting for what I had and is gone.

I go to a meeting every week of people who have lost their husbands and wives, and I feel more connected with them than people I’ve known since primary school, how weird is that.

I don’t want to be in this club, when I said “till death us do part”, I always thought it would be my death.

Sorry it’s so long and rather down,

Take care D

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#2

how I felt about my grief support class after my loss. I felt closer to a roomful of strangers than anyone else.

3 Likes
#3

Hi Dave

Thank you for your post as I feel exactly the same. It’s been nearly 17 months for me now and like you, time hasn’t healed, it has just made everything worse.

I’m off to my weekly WAYUP group and they are the only people who understand. I’m just so tired of being told by family and a few friends, why don’t you do this or that, nobody really understands. It’s Ian I miss and the life we had together. I have tried to make a new life for myself but it’s not easy, everyone is busy with their own lives and nothing can ever replace my life with Ian.

I still can’t quite believe what has happened to be honest and just don’t know where to go from here. It’s just a matter of getting through each day and my bedroom has become my sanctuary.

Look after yourself,
X Julie

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#4

'So, I am not “moving on” – I don’t want to. “It’s not what she would have wanted” – how do they know? I’m not “enjoying what I have” – I’m hurting for what I had and is gone.’

Hear, hear Dave. Well said.

It’s almost five and a half years since my beautiful, handsome husband passed and I feel exactly the same as you. Oh yes, I do some nice things, go nice places and actually have some nice times, but always with a sadness deep in my soul. That’s the way it will always be for me. It’s the hidden pain that no one else can see. I accept my lot. I don’t like it but I accept it and I think acceptance is key. I carry my man with me every step of the way - it’s the only way because I couldn’t do it otherwise. I feel his presence and I look for his approval in everything I do.

I’ve tried to end my post on a positive; I hope I’ve succeeded. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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#5

Totally agree. I’ve been going to a bereavement support group and feel exactly the same. Xx

1 Like
#6

People mean we’ll but. Unless they walk in your shoes they don’t have a clue. My neighbour keeps saying what a lovely man hubby was. You feel like say use shut up. Going to groups does help. Not saying it helps everyone. I found an author who’s called Joan Price. She has written a few books. No one understands or helps unless you ask for it. Don’t know if this helps? My hubby died 1 October 2021.