28 years on it’s still hard.

Losing a child
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I’m currently feeling swamped with grief. My eldest died just before his second birthday and should have been 30 this coming April. I still feel his death as a physical pain and am currently feeling overwhelmed by it all. My youngest has just gone back home after Xmas and New Year with me and stripping his bed and clearing the room always takes me straight back to having to clear Alexander’s room after his death. I’ve had counselling, been on and off anti-depressants, but I’m still not getting through it. If I try and talk to anyone about how I feel, they look at me like I have 2 heads and can’t understand why I’m still like this nearly 28 years on. Anyone else in this situation?

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Hello @Solva,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

You might also want to look at The Compassionate Friends - which supports families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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Dear Solva,
I lost my infant son 7 years ago to sepsis while he was in intensive care. He spent his short life in intensive care and died because of medical negligence.
I’ve been to the farthest places and I’ve been lower than I thought it ever possible to go. At times it has felt impossible to go on, but on I will go. My wife and I will never stop fighting for some form of justice for Max.

Every day is hard and because of the legal case and not having a proper answer as to why he should have died, it has been almost impossible to grieve.
Everyone’s experience is different but losing a child is especially hard because we lose part of ourselves that never comes back. We are left with a perfect hole in our hearts the shape of our lost child.

Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. It’s important to talk about things. People who have not lost a child feel sympathy but don’t quite understand that losing your child leaves you a shell of your former self. It leaves you thinking that you would trade places with your child in an instant so that they can live.

It’s very, very hard.

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Thank you for your support and I am so desperately sorry about your situation. I think you’re absolutely right that only when you have lost a child yourself can you understand the immeasurable grief it brings. There also seems to be a lot of support and sympathy (rightly so) for neonatal and cot death, but very little for older children. I’m sure some of this is due to terror that they might lose their own child(ren).
Again, thank you so much for responding, and I know exactly how hard it is to get answers from those in authority. I got our local MP involved, but would you believe, the Home Office then also became involved and said we couldn’t have our child’s retained organ samples back! It was a major fight I can tell you and if it hadn’t been for the amazing support from the hospital, we still would be without them. I really hope you get the answers, support and help you need. Thinking of you.

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Dear Solva … I know how your feeling i lost my first born a boy who was 3 and half months old when he died he had bronchial phenomia and he passed away on the stroke of christmas day that was 52 years ago and it still feels like it was yesterday . To lose a child so young when they have had no life at all and it takes all the soul of you . All we need to do is keep putting a smile on and put one foot in front of the other xxx Sue xx

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Sue, thank you so much for your message. I am SO sorry about your little one. It really helps to know that what I am still feeling is about par for the course when it comes to losing your child. It’s not a topic that’s discussed and you feel so isolated in your grief. I remember when Alexander first died, that people would cross the street rather than talk to me!
Thank you again for reaching out.

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When Glynn my son died i was 20 year old and my parents thought they knew how i was feeling but it wasnt till i no longer wanted to be here i wanted to be with him and yes people would avoid me as they did not know what to say to me i felt so lost and alone so i thought what is the point my parents just wanted me to go back to work and get my life back on track and i am under the mental health team and counselling
Your welcome any time