3 months on....

It’s hard to quantify how 3 months has passed, when it feels more like 3 days… To still expect to be shouted through ‘put the kettle on love!’, but now I only put 1 cup out or 1 plate and 1 spoon… You open the drawer and pause for a split second and second guess yourself in why you’ve only put 1 of each out! A couple of times this week I’ve stood by the kettle and taken in a gasp of air to shout through ‘do you want a brew flower?’. Then exhaled slowly and dismissally, knowing this is my oblivion, this is my torcher. Because that’s what it feels like, unrelenting, uncaring, the darkest abyss. I have to pinch myself sometimes because the train of thoughts do end up with a child like hue. You know as an adult that will never happen unless your surname is lazarus. You still expect the little things that bonded you both to remain, that’s one of the hardest mountains to conquer for me. I don’t really help myself because I hermit away, and tell myself ‘I’m a grown ass man I don’t need to pester family or friends’. I think that is most of my problem being the provider, the carer, the safety, the protection I have no clue what else to be after 8 yrs.
And if anyone else says ‘why don’t you get a hobby?’ I think A&E may be on standby…

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I think so many people try not to ‘bother’ people. When people ask me how I am, I ask if they want an honest answer. I have found that without people coming and taking me out for a walk and listening, I wouldn’t have coped. I don’t really know how I am coping to be honest. I am still ploughing through paperwork and we are planning a memorial as we couldn’t have many people at the service (and no wake). If I keep busy, I can keep going but that moment when you pause or sit down or go to bed or wake up in the morning is horrendous. I don’t know how that will ever get any better. I know exactly what you mean about realising it’s just for one. I’ve ordered food he only eats or the amount for 2 of us. How can things change to something we never wanted so quickly?

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Hi, these are all the feeling we have and I think it takes a sometime to work around them. Yes, around them rather than overcome them. It took me a long time to stop making a Sunday lunch on a Sunday evening, what do you do with a joint of beef?
Days seem like months but also only like yesterday, that’s one I still don’t know.
Keeping busy is what I have always tried to do because when I stop it hits me again.
Just go with what ever you find works but stay away from A&E what ever happens.
Blessings to you both and take care.
S xxx

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I have to admit I still sleep on the same side of the bed, I don’t sit in her chair, I don’t use her special cup… But then the logical part of me thinks I can’t live in a shrine to Sammy.
I bought her a star. And yesterday I bought her a title so now she’s Lady Samantha.
I’m trying to remember her without the physical effects around me that draw me back, like I’m on elastic.
She used to get really cross with me because I had a knack of going to sleep as soon as my head touched the pillow, but now the shoes swapped sides and I’m lucky if I get 3 hrs a night.
To be honest I’ve just been to the supermarket and was embarrassed by the pittance I had bought for myself. I even tried to bulk it out by buying bottles of pop! How sad am I!!

No you are not sad, I think we all do it. I still can’t sit I his chair and I am well ahead of you on this grief road. Enjoy your bottle of pop but just don’t drop it into the recycle bin with a load bang or I will be able to hear it🙀 Sxxx

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My husband’s desk is still as he left it, as is the coffee table where he sat. You are not mad, it’s a natural thing to do because they seem a bit closer then.

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Hello @setantii

I’m so sorry you lost your one and only soulmate. I remember the first three months for me was total despair, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I went and everything I saw were just sore reminders of my deepest loss. I live in a small city and our footprints are everywhere. 8 months in for me I still cant look at our pictures without shedding tears. I miss his voice, his hug before heading out to work and coming home to see him stretching out on the sofa… I find that at times I even need to block out the happiest time of my life just to function normally, it is the saddest thing. I tell myself that It was just another life, now this is me so it makes sense…

I can barely find the energy to do anything other than holding down my job. Hobbies seem pointless when you don’t have the one to share with. I do try though, we have to, you don’t need to have a fancy hobby or any hobby at all, sometimes going for a walk, getting in touch with nature and talking to people here helps.

I hate shopping now and often give up before trying when i see long queues at the checkouts. I’m thinking of trying delivery service… You are in my thoughts, pls take care x

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I try to shut down our joyful memories for the past 32 years coz it’s so heartbreaking to think of it, and I try not to think about the future otherwise I’d be overwhelmed. What is left of me is today in which no one gonna share my pain or happiness. So what’s the point?

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Hello @luckystarhongkong

Was just wondering how you and your little girl are doing. It’s impossible to not feel sad having those loving memories replaying daily in our heads, isn’t it? Sometimes when I try to sleep, a smile, a holiday picture or the longing of a familiar hug springs to my mind, the pain that follows afterward feels like a knife being twisted in my heart.

Someone recommended a film on Netflix to me, it’s called ‘Fatherhood’, you may find it somewhat relatable as the story is about a grieving dad trying to raise his baby daughter against the odds.

Hope you find the strength to take care of yourself and your daughter.

thanks Riley.
as reality set in almost 4 months down this road things do not seem to improve. The emptiness and loneliness are hurting more day by day. I’m beginning to feel the full impact of the loss; I had a first glimpse of the life ahead of me: full of uncertainty and insecurity and worse of all is I have to face all by myself.
sending hugs…

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