Just over 3 months ago I lost my mum, and the time between then and now feels like it’s whizzed by so quick, it’s been a bit of a blur.
On the most part I do ok, I seem to function anyway, I’m even planning things to look forward to, because I know my mum would not want me to honour her memory by hitting the self destruct button, even though sometimes it feels like all I want to do is sit in a dark room with a big bottle of something.
I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as it’s only been 3 months, but I’ve spent a lot of that time focusing on my dad and making sure he’s ok, I mean, he’s not who would be when losing their spouse of 42 years, but making sure he’s not alone and keeping his mind busy, that’s been my main focus and I feel like I haven’t really grieved properly myself. What doesn’t help matters is that I’ve got to have tests done as I might have a heart problem, which is worrying me. It just feels like the bad won’t stop coming no matter how much I try to be positive.
Something happened to my dad on Saturday, he says he was half asleep on the sofa, so he’s not sure if he was half-dreaming or not, but he saw my mums face right up to his face and she gave him a kiss. It startled him awake but he could feel it on his mouth, like she actually had kissed him. It made me smile for a bit but then made me miss her even more.
I just feel very flat today, just filled with worry and anxiety and needed a rant.
I’m so sorry that both of your parents have passed, words can’t explain the loss of losing a parent, only way I can describe it is feeling like a child and it’s the first day of school, and you’ve got to walk in without your mum, obviously on a much bigger level but it makes me feel like that child again.
It comes in waves, I can go days, even a couple of weeks just getting on with it then it’ll hit me again, I read old emails from her today, I thought I’d be ok to but I wasn’t, it dropped on me like a tonne of bricks.
It does help coming on here even if it’s just reading the posts, of course in an ideal world there would be no loss for anyone, but it helps to remember that you’re not alone and this happens every day all over the world, gives a little perspective.
How have you been coping? It sounds like a really bad couple of years for you, it’s a terrible thing to lose one parent never mind both, but they are both looking after you and are never far away even though it may seem it, I was never spiritual or religious but I’ve had signs from my mum so I believe there’s a better place we go when we are done here.
Yes I’ll deffo keep talking it helps to speak to people who understand, take care xxx
You are certainly right about it all feeling like the first day of school again.
It’s early days for us both so don’t be hard on yourself. When my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 weeks after my dad died, I had no idea how to cope so I selfishly asked my mum. She said “can you get through today?” Then explained that was all I had to do…over and over again. I think about that comment so much. She was so right.
I miss them both desperately but we have no alternative than to keep plodding on.
Have you got much support at home? You certainly find out your good family and friends at a time like this.
I see life quite black and white now. Kind people and selfish people. It makes things simpler at least.
I’ve only found this website tonight after having a tough day.
My dad died suddenly 12 weeks ago and it’s like I’ve been living in a state of shock since.
I’ve been focusing on my mum making sure she’s ok as she is the one who has to get used to living alone. She’s doing ok but I feel guilty leaving her and hate saying goodbye.
In one way I want to be hit by grief, cry and wail to see if getting that out will help but that’s not happening. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve had good support from friends but I can’t explain what’s it’s like when most of the time I don’t understand how I feel myself.
It’s good to find somewhere to let my ramblings out.
Don’t worry Chuckie79, you are with friends here. I think it is safe to say non of us know exactly how we feel or can predict how we will feel tomorrow.
Hi
Am truly sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds to me like you are doing amazing; feeling it but coping with it as well as anyone can be expected to. I just wanted to say hello really, and if you want to talk some more, please feel free to reply.
With kindest regards
Debs x
Thank you so much for sharing your mum’s beautiful advice. I am going to use that xx
I don’t think you were selfish asking your mum for advice on how to cope. I bet she was glad you still turned to her as her Daughter and she could still be the loving, supportive mum to you that she was. There were times over the past few years when I didn’t turn to my sister as I had throughout my entire life due to her being so ill, and then even then I occasionally did when things were really bad. She told me she was glad I had shared with her and reminded me that even in sickness she was still my big sister, and she wanted me to still turn to her as I always had. I felt selfish too, but she reassured me not to as turning to her was a gift to her, which is why I have mentioned this to you.
Your loss is so great, losing both parents so close together. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, but I know there aren’t any words in the world which can do that. But I am here to listen if you want to talk / rant etc. Thinking of you and wishing you peace xx Debs xx
Are we all in a 3 month club then? Not a club we wanted to join but hopefully we can help each other out. Xx
Excuse me if this is a clumsy question but have you lost your sister recently Debs? I’m so sorry if you have.
Thank you for your perspective on how my mum would have felt. It is right. My mum litterally grabbed all of life and wanted to carry on being my mum as long as possible. She even wrote me a couple of cards for when she had gone and planned her own funeral so that it was one less thing for me to do… She truly was so amazing facing death fearlessly.
I almost feel guilty for feeling down as she was cheerful throughout her last year despite being robbed of life after looking after my dad for 10 years. Oh I miss them both so much…
Isn’t it such a roller coaster? I used to be a control freak but now I understand that you just have to go with the flow. I see grief as a storm.
It is such a rollercoaster, you’re right Ann. Just realised that as I’m usually a control freak too that probably hasn’t helped me deal with it.
My thing this week seems to be crying in the car with music setting me off. I’m just riding it out.
Crying in the car sounds like a good plan (as long as you are driving safely!) I really feel it is good to cry. It lets a little grief pressure out each time. I have become an expert at just letting the tears flow then pushing mascara back up my face and carrying on…couldn’t care less if it makes other people uncomfortable any more. Just let it out!
Also, knowing that the love I had and my parents had for me can’t be destroyed. How ever much else has been lost, their love carries on.
Hello Ann,
Thank you for your message. My sister died 19 days ago. She was similar to your mum in the way that she fearlessly faced the end. She planned her own funeral, bought her grave and the one next to it for me. She arranged everything in an attempt to make things as simple as possible for me, her partner and their daughter. She also wrote cards and letters for after her death with advice etc as she tries to help us through even though she isn’t even here. She was the most selfless, kindest, most beautiful person in the world and we all miss her terribly. Hoping your day is one of your better ones xx
Hi,
I lost my Mum the beginning of July last year.
After she passed away I had to take care of my Dad who was diagnosed with dementia, I moved him closer to me and my life revolved round him and his needs.
Although I missed my Mum dreadfully, I had something else to think about and I think I must have missed a vital part of the grieving process.
My Dad’s condition progressed very quickly and recently we have had to make the decision for him to go into a care home. He hates it and it makes me so sad.
Since he’s gone I’ve been able to think about my Mum more and I’m finding it hard to cope with the fact she’s never coming back.
My marriage had suffered whilst my Dad was taking up all my time and although I’m closer to my brother and have a great relationship with my youngest daughter, my eldest daughter has caused me nothing but trouble and I just can’t seem to reach her.
We’re supposed to go on holiday in two weeks and tbh I couldn’t care less, I don’t even want to go.
I can honestly say I haven’t had any joy in my life since my Mum died and it seems atm like I never will again.
I honestly thought the process would get easier with time.
I’m not making you feel any better I know, and I’m sorry but I noticed you said about taking care of your Dad but please make sure you take care of you too xx
Hello Vmb
I just wanted to send you my love and best wishes. You’ve had so much to deal with this past year, I’m not surprised you’ve had little joy - so many losses all at once. Please be gentle with yourself and try if possible to get some you time where you can feel your feelings and allow yourself to express them so you can move through them. You have a bit more space now than you have all year - i hope you can fit nice things in for yourself, you deserve it xx
Hi Debz
Thanks for your reply.
I know that this is probably a result of having not dealt with Mums passing when it happened but the rest all took over.
I have no friends to talk with about it even though I’m really lucky and have great friends but none of them seem to understand as they have parents in good health.
My best friend even posted a gushing tribute on FB on Mother’s Day (my first without my Mum) to her mother even though she tells me ALL the time what a rubbish relationship she has with her. I felt it was so insensitive, she could have posted it and blocked me from it.
I had a brilliant relationship with my Mum and my life will never be the same without her.
I get told to get a job as it will take my mind off it!! I can barely function at the moment and a job is the last thing I need!
I’ve been having online counselling and they thought that I may be depressed but I don’t want to go to doctors because I don’t want to take medication.
I used to love my life and now I hate it.
It’s such a selfish thing to say as I’m sooo lucky in so many ways.
At the moment I just can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel x
Hello again xx
I understand your reluctance to try medication but sometimes, when we’ve been under an incredible amount of stress for a very long time, we can become clinically depressed and anti-depressants can make a huge difference. I can only talk from personal experience of myself and others who have benefitted massively (I and they also shared a huge reluctance but after the initial week of being on them when we all felt no better at all, we all had huge improvements). For me, i felt like i’d been sat in a dark room for so long and finally someone opened the curtains and let the light in. Huge relief, and with counselling i was able to feel better and make changes too which benefitted me. I’m not advising you what to do - am just sharing my experience of me being in a similar situation. I hope you don’t mind me telling you. I’m happy to listen to you if you want to talk further xx
I’m so sorry to hear your loss of your sister Debz. It is such early days for you. I’m pleased to hear you have reached out for help whichever way works for you. Your sister sounds like an amazing person. I sometimes find it hard as I feel guilty for being so sad as my mum, just like your sister, did everything she could to make life easier for us after they had died. Truly remarkable. We should be so proud of them. Xx
VMB123 your posts really hit home to me. You are not alone, I honestly understand where you are right now. My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 weeks after my dad died. I cared for her for 9 months then she went into a home for 3 months before leaving me in May. It truly was the hardest time of my life.
My only advice is don’t expect to be happy. Don’t expect anything. Just ride it out, try to get some rest and eat the right things to help your body fight through this difficult time. I’m only in the early days of life without both my parents but I do already see that I won’t be unhappy forever. My stress is lower and I will get through this somehow. I hope this helps you as I have been where you are. I also didn’t want medication but I’ve founded baths, fresh air and yoga have helped me a lot along with some counselling. Say no to anything that is not important and just be patient with yourself at this terrible time.
Hope I’m not preaching to everyone…Just want you to know I’ve been there and I understand.