It’s now 3 months since my wife took her own life. The loss and grief only gets worse and I struggle everyday, I’m in counselling and although it helps to talk it doesn’t change anything, I’m going back to work To try and change something as the hole I’m in only gets darker and deeper. I know we could have saved her if only we would have read between the lines and I know she would have wanted to live. I’ve took some pictures in the house down as I can’t bear looking at them, but I’ve not moved any clothes or anything of my wife’s. I keep thinking she will be back soon, although I know she won’t a small part of me thinks she will. I’ve losy interest in everything apart from walking our dog, I cook and clean for the kids, but that’s it, I’m so lonely without her, I keep seeing images of her in my head which destroy me. I’m trying to give it a year for my kids but my only rest is that I have the same choice as her.
Hi GL,
I think a suicide loss must be one of the worst to deal with. I’m hearing you second-guessing yourself, and what you could have done to stop your wife from killing herself. I can only imagine how painful that is, and one day you may understand that it wasn’t your fault. Of course, it’s one thing for others to say it wasn’t your fault, but that will only make a difference when you understand WHY it wasn’t your fault.
I didn’t experience what you did (my husband’s death was from cancer), but I do know that after five months, it felt worse, and I found out that this was normal. You’re saying you walk your dogs, and cook and clean for your kids. And you’re working too! That, my friend, is miracle, given what you’ve experienced. I remember it being a miracle if I put washing on the line. Your mind is trying to process the terrible thing that has happened, and there won’t be a lot of energy for anything else - no wonder you’ve lost interest in everything else - you have only limited energy for surviving and doing for your kids. Energy for other things will return when you’re ready.
Thinking your wife will be back soon at the same time that you know she won’t is a symptom of the shock you’ve experienced.
Keep talking to your counsellor, GL, not because whatever he/she says will make a difference, for now, but because you can tell him/her about the terrible feelings - they need to go somewhere, and I hope you will find that this begins to make a difference, however small.
Thinking of you - I’m so sorry.
Louise xo