Hi all . I was awake at 3.30 this morning as I was 3 years ago when I last spoke to my husband from ITU as he had covid. The doctor phoned me to say they were going to give my husband something to make him more comfortable and I could have a word with him. My husband said “ Marl I am getting worse I said the doctor is giving you something to make you more comfortable I said I love you and he said I love you. Then the phone just went off. He sounded so normal not out of breath or anything but I could tell he was agitated. One hour later a nurse phoned to say he had gone. She said her and another nurse had held his hand . It should have been me with him not strangers but restrictions prevented that. I will never get over the trauma of not being allowed to be with him or see him after he had passed. This morning I have relived every word spoken that awful day . I keep thinking I should have said this or that if I had only known that was the last time I would speak to him. Hard day today it feels worse than last year 
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I can’t imagine what it must have been like , to be denied access to a loved one in hospital. It’s so crazy to think this happened.
I don’t find anything helps the pain and the thoughts. Life is now different. It’s hard and you just have to go with it. Sorry I can’t wave a magic wand and make it ok. Just embrace the bad days and appreciate any good ones !
You have my deepest sympathy Marl… like you, I lost my beautiful wife to Covid three years ago. Thankfully I was with her at the end once she was moved to a hospice but we were separated for weeks whilst she tried to fight off the evil virus. By the time I could be with her she was just too poorly to talk and so there was so much left unsaid. I feel so terrible and the pain has not abated one bit, my life is simply pointless now and I yearn for her every minute of every day. I don’t know how people cope with this dreadful grief thing. I wish you peace and solace.
Hi Paul my husband was only in hospital 5 days before he passed but it was right at the beginning of lockdown so restrictions were so strict. Could not have family with me to comfort and support me so traumatic 
Hi Ali thankyou. If only we did have a magic wand
I’m so sorry Marl, the virus took your husband so quickly. It is so strange how it affects people so differently from those who show little or no symptoms to people like our loved ones for whom it proves fatal. My wife caught it right at the start too but she fought it for five weeks before succumbing. I’m pretty sure she caught it when we were at a 3-monthly appointment at the Royal Marsden Hospital to check on her CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia) on 11 March. When I asked the consultant what precautions should we take he said he hadn’t been told anything specific. This really gets to me now as I know the Government and Health Authorities should have told vulnerable people like my wife to stay in doors from at least the beginning of March. It was handled so badly… and now many of us are paying the dreadful price!
Hi Paul so sorry for your loss . You are right the pandemic was handled badly. My husband had no health issues and I often think if we had gone into lockdown 1 week earlier he would still be here. We only went to the supermarket in the week before lockdown so he must have picked it up there but we will never know .
I’m sorry for your loss too Marl, and yes, lockdown really should have started at least a week earlier, sooner really. So many could have been saved, it’s heartbreaking. Do you mind if I ask if you have had any support or counselling for the trauma - I have and it really didn’t help. Recalling that whole period in March/April 2020 is so painful, culminating in my wife’s funeral on 7 May where just five people attended - my two stepdaughters, my wife’s mum, her cousin and me. The anniversaries that are passing right now hurt so much… I know you must feel the same?
@PaulH I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife.
You are right about the symptoms. My wife and I both tested positive together last July. I had no symptoms at all but she died on the 28th October. My wife had been treated for lymphoma since 2012 with 2 courses of chemo and 2 of radio. She was only being monitored since 2020. She had 5 Covid vaccinations as did I. She felt unwell after a few weeks and was admitted to hospital. We were told the cancer treatment had weakened her immune system so that she was unable to produce Covid antibodies. I asked the Consultants and they just said that was not unusual but no one ever told us that. We had relaxed a little because of the vaccinations. Up to then we had taken precautions and she had been protected for 3 years. The hospital proceeded to expose her to further infections. I stop here regarding that as I have posted about it elsewhere and I will meltdown if I go on.
We were sitting on a time bomb without knowing it, she could have contracted Covid at any time. I’m so thankful for the three years we had as I might have lost her sooner during that period but angry that we were not warned how vulnerable she really was.
Hi Paul no i havnt had any bereavement support or anything. I dont think it would help somehow. We have 2 sons and a daughter none of which could come to me . The first time I saw them was outside the crematorium 3 weeks after my husband died. There was a security guard there to make sure we didnt go near one another it was just so unnatural x.
I’m so very sorry to hear your devastating story Mike… and for your huge loss of course. So sad when your wife had got through so much of the Covid onslaught. It’s so awful to look back and think how things could have gone isn’t it? Back in early March 2020, my wife and I did take precautions such as cancelling a trip to London to meet up with my stepdaughter on my wife’s birthday on 4 March, cancelling meet-ups with friends etc and limiting how much we went into shops etc. After all that then we clearly made a mistake of going to the Marsden, which with hindsight, should have been a complete no-no! All those people in the place, waiting rooms, the cafe - and in South London! Hospitals were just places to pass on this terrible disease…
That’s truly awful Marl, so very cruel. As we all know, such times are exactly when you need your family and friends around you. That whole period was, as you say, so unnatural - I can’t believe three years have gone by already! I’ve been reading some old emails from around that time and in Feb/early March everything seems so normal and OK, we were planning to move house and be closer to my younger stepdaughter who has children. Then in mid-March it all changes with my wife being hospitalised, going into ITU, then looking promising and then the worst news that she wouldn’t survive. Then emails between me and the celebrant who took her funeral. Totally surreal but crushingly true! X
Its unbelievable that 3 years have passed it still feels like a dream. We had 47 years together and worked all our lives . We had so many plans for our retirement but we only got to enjoy 8 months then he was gone . We were together 24/7 and was really enjoying retirement. Life is so cruel
That is so sad Marl, I understand how this all feels. Like you and your husband, we had just started out on retirement too. My wife had been a grandmother for just 18 months and younger daughter was expecting her second child in June 2020. We’ve been cheated out of so much and I must admit, it hurts to see friends who (thankfully) haven’t been touched so cruelly by Covid and are still able to grow old together. They’ve been so kind to me but it really registers with me when I see them as couples interacting, laughing together and sharing memories. How I wish that was my precious Louisa and me.
Hi Paul yes we have been cheated. I also find it hard to see couples enjoying their lives together I am so envious of them I cant help it. Your poor wife as missed out of seeing her grandchildren grow up its so sad