It was 3 years for me yesterday. As ever it was a sad time, a day recalling the sequence of events until there were none left to recall and also a day of cleaning and cooking and normality. This third year has been a turning point, a time when I’ve felt able to accept my loss and accept that I am here, with a life to continue and a love that I am now able to bring with me. I feel unending gratitude for having had my wife in my life for the time that we had together. I’ve taken the lessons we learned together, let go of the arguments we had, carried our plans for the future further than we both had hoped and it’s getting easier, becoming different, filling with hope. I still miss her terribly, the smile, the laugh, the food, the adventure but I can remember those days and not give up.
And so I face the future by myself, all of that happiness may be behind me but perhaps there is more to come, it’s up to me, it can be done. As my wife has moved away from me it has become easier to understand how she informed me, how we taught each other to live life, and in this passing of time, this perspective, I see her in such clarity, defined and whole. And that is something completely unexpected, that I see all of her now, all of us, that rather than forgetting, I have everything. That brings me both happiness and hope, happiness that she is still there, still with me and hope that the worst is behind me and the future is there to be taken.
For those of you who have just joined this path take heart, it can be a long and awful journey, dark days and despair may lie ahead but the worst has happened, that day is over. It may be all uphill but a plateau can reached, there can be a view of the horizon, there can be a path leading to a better now. Keep going. One foot then the next.
Hi @Walan . You’ve just written my story as well. After 3 years, I’ve stopped improving, it’s now what it is, life is worth living with optimism, with a lot of work with mindful/meditation I’ve come to terms with all those unanswerable questions. I now can think of the memories (good and bad) of my 50 years with Penny, and be happy I had the chance to experience them. Three years ago, when I was in despair, I could never have imagined life could be good again (but different!). Onwards and upwards
@tykey I think that you hit the nail on the head with “come to terms with unanswerable questions”, for me that has been at the very heart of the matter, accepting that there are things I will never know. I spent a lot of time with those kind of questions, looping round, circle, circle, where’s the answer? But is it so terrible that there would never be satisfaction, completion, closure in all the aspects of this loss? That some, perhaps many things would remain unresolved and rather than a frustration this was actually a new perspective to work with. Acceptance i suppose, but acceptance that this is a new life, some pain we will always carry, questions will go unanswered, but there is room for the present and the future as well as the past.
I found that once I accepted things as they are, and not looking for solutions, I soon began to be much more compassionate to myself, and saw things in a much more comfortable way.
If you ever wanted to explore it more, googling Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach might be interesting for you
@tykey yes it’s odd but true that ‘the solution’ is ‘there are no solutions’, this realisation not arriving as a damascene moment but as an incremental result of those daily single steps we all strive to take. Thanks for the recommendation, coincidentallly I’ve used some of Tara Brach’s guided meditations for the past couple of years but never read any of her work, I shall have a look, many thanks.
I too am approaching the 3 year mark and in that time I have overcome the many challenges that have arisen through loss and grief, grown, evolved and learned to accept and understand the new version of myself. I have also accepted I can’t change what has happened and the past is gone now and we either choose to live there or choose to embrace the “what’s next” I survived by being in the present moment, hour by hour day by day, until I was strong enough to see a future ahead. The hardest part for me was knowing what I wanted that future to look like but through my loss, I also learnt we cannot predict the future and so I turn to gratitude instead for all I do have in the now and focus on building on that. I have a good social life, great friends, have become at peace with being alone and solitude. However, there is that certain void that only belonged to our soulmate that is always present in all that I do and I am still coming to terms with that. A night out where you forget and laugh, enjoy yourself and then a sudden wistful moment that takes you back to them, lurks in the background. The coming home to an empty house. Climbing into bed next to the empty space. A movie of your previous life playing in your head. A few tears and then onwards and upwards and start over again and repeat, repeat until it becomes a new normal. It gets easier as your life surrounds you and shrinks that void but at year 3 for me, is about accepting that void will always be there. He will always be in my heart and thoughts and I want him to be there. I just hope my heart is capable of another love being able to live there too, will it be the same? for me no it won’t, because 30 yrs of my life can’t just be replaced by that depth of enduring love and with there being less years ahead than behind but I do believe there is a new version of love for the new version of me. For everyone who has lost their soulmate we all deserve happiness, joy and love in our lives and where there is life there is hope
@Ditom64 so wonderfully written and so much in there that I relate to and have journeyed through: the new version of self, peace with solitude, wistful moments, where there is life there is hope.
I think where I find myself now is summed up when you write " we either choose to live there or choose to embrace the “what next”", it’s not that I admonish myself for having not known this but that I have reached a place where this is now applicable, that my perspective has evolved to include this as possibility and that now it is up to me how I choose to act upon this understanding. Like yourself there has been a lot of living in the present waiting for the strength to look at the future, and it feels as if this time has now arrived, as you say, we all deserve happiness, joy and love.
@Walan thank you and for your wonderful words too and yes we do seem to be in the same place on this journey. I also feel I am now a better version of me, stronger, more resilient, patient, kinder and more reflective. It’s hard to see any positives in grief but they are there . It’s like being stripped down to basics and being rebuilt again. I am learning that happiness comes from within ourselves and not from others. Gosh we could write a book on all our experiences, it would be an insightful read….
@Ditom64 yes it’s definitely true that there are positives to be taken in all of this, as you say hard to define but with time and distance, they become apparent. It’s been as much a surprise to myself as well how this has changed my outlook in life, what is important, what can be changed and what can be walked away from. Like you I’ve realised that being happy in myself is the goal that I aim for, the rebuild is ongoing, but going well.
@Ditom64 and @Walan . I couldn’t agree more, you both related exactly how I feel. Of course we occasionally look backwards, but if we manage to look forward and try to make a useful and satisfying life, our whole outlook improves:+1:
At almost 3 yrs of feeling lost , a realisation hit me, that I can no longer go backwards any more (that is true now in all aspects of my life), as it doesn’t change anything and revisiting the past only brings up pain, sadness and heartbreak that is no longer fixable because it’s gone… so I think loss brings us eventually to a crossroads where the most viable choice is to keep moving forwards. If you stay motionless you stay stuck and life always is moving onwards. I am grateful for where I am now, knowing I passed through the storm and yet can still dance in the rain…. there’s a belief now that it’s all going to be ok and having the support from people who are going through this journey is the biggest blessing of all…if the 3 of us can help anyone newly bereaved to help them get to where we are then that is a purposeful meaning to our lives
I also wanted to add that I made some good friends on this site, a few of whom I still keep in touch with and one person in particular who was a very special person who showed me so much kindness at a time when I was at a very low point despite their own grief . I never forget those people that have been there for me. This was also my crossroads where I found myself and I will be forever grateful and if I can give back that kindness to others then that makes me happy…
I have followed both you @Walan and @tykey and without knowing you have both been mentors to me so thank you and let’s continue to forge ourselves a new, happy and fulfilling life
Well, you are helping me, because I am determined to get to where you are now. I am 60 and lost my husband totally unexpectedly just over 10 months ago. I have gone through all sorts of emotions this year, but I am still here and have also sorted out so much regarding probate etc. Never thought I could do all the paperwork that I have had to do.
My husband worked on oil rigs for years so I am very independent , but I always knew he was coming home . The first few months I still thought he was.
My mum lost my dad when she was 63, She had been with dad since she was 16, same as me with my husband and she now has friends and a nice life .
I have tears every day, but I am improving mostly, and I think he would be proud of me. My adult sons struggle, especially one of them , which upset s me . It was all very traumatic and unexpected.
At th very first, I was terrified I would forget him, but now I know I never will. I would give anything for a hug from him, but that’s not possible, so I will carry on and try to find something good in each day.
I understand where you are at, as my husband died suddenly too, massive heart attack at 63. I look back at that day and don’t know how I got here to this point in my life. I am not going to lie I was completely broken like many others but it is all about rebuilding the foundations and working your way up and yes you absolutely will get there but you have to focus on you and being kind and patient with yourself and also have the belief that you deserve a life, love and happiness and just to go for it. It’s scary, risky but that’s what life is all about, overcoming what holds us back
Thank you, My husband collapsed in the street with a pulmonary embolism in January . He was 65. It was my 60th birthday Christmas day, we were about to go to Goa .I was in utter shock and still cannot really comprehend it. My life has become so much smaller now, but that’s what I need at the moment . We travelled, went to see so many bands, had weekends away which is now gone , but I have good friends, good family and yes I do deserve as life.
I hate the fact that he worked so hard and missed out on all of our future plans, but there is nothing I can do that will change that . I mostly feel exhausted, which I know is a symptom of grief, but I am determined to get there like you and my mum, and I will eventually.
@Ditom64 thank you so much for your very kind words, that means a lot to me that you found something in the thoughts I’ve put out on here, it makes me very happy that they helped you in any way. I too found this site immeasurably helpful and although I don’t post as much any more I still pop in from time to time, it’s odd but in some ways as time has moved on there has been less for me to relate to here, I’m no longer in those early days of chaos and despair and people further down the line drift off and no longer share their experience. It’s one of the reasons I post each year, a hope that it can offer some reassurance to those behind that it can get easier, it can be understood and things can change. Like you I’ve stood at that crossroads and like you I decided to keep moving, that the fundamental action is to keep trying, and most importantly, as you say, be kind and patient with yourself. Literally. In rebuilding, if things fail, take what you can from that and then try something else, accept that some approaches wont last for ever and that others will surprise you in their efficiency. Be open to what makes you happy and see where that takes you.
Hi, I’m approaching the 3 year mark (next February) and a great deal of what you say is so very relevant. I spent some time floundering around, being taken advantage of by workmen, but I have learnt from my mistakes. Since September 2024 I have been studying with the Open University doing a Masters in English Literature. This was something that my husband had always said I should do, once I retired. It may be hard work, but I know that he would be proud of me. I have also created a new self, and, even though at time it is hard, have decided to look forward. I am now a lot more independent, which I wasn’t in the first year probably because I had basically been a full time home maker, so my life revolved around my family. At first making decisions, such as should I move, I found really difficult, but I have now decided to stay put and make the house my own. I had a bit of a set back in September when my 93 year old Mum suddenly died, but I know she was very proud of my and the studying I am doing. I’ve had a few solo holidays since 2024, twice to Italy and once to Germany, and am off again on Monday to the German Christmas markets. I often, when it gets close to these holidays, think about cancelling them, but once I’m on my way I really enjoy myself. Sorry to ramble on. Tomorrow would have been my Keef’s 66th birthday, so my son and I shall be having haggis, neeps and tatties , with maybe the odd dram, to celebrate his life.
@Guineapig65 so glad to hear you’ve found your groove, doing an English Lit Masters you should be extremely proud of yourself never mind anyone else, I can imagine that must be increasingly consuming but with unimaginable expanding horizons. Never give up, you don’t know where the right attitude will take you.
I truly love reading these inspirational posts @Guineapig65 just wow! That’s a huge undertaking given the circumstances but yes as @Walan says, be very proud of yourself. I am trying to take a leap into solo holiday’s. Not quite there yet but one of my New Year goals. Hope tomorrow goes well for you and your son
It is really good to read about the possibilities of rebuilding a worthwhile life. We might fear we’d forget the old one, but in reality we never do.
Ive always adopted the policy of whenever the idea occurs of doing something new and challenging, my first reaction is “YES” and have a go. I can always change my mind later. I’m 77 (until tomorrow when I’ll be 78). Last year I decided I wanted to sing, and joined a choir. Then I decided I wanted to play the flute, so I’m doing that. I also went potholing. I feel proud and happy. Keep an open mind, we can do anything:folded_hands:
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