4 days on.. Can't see a future

Dear All
I am so relieved to have found this forum. My beautiful, kind Dad died on Valentines Day. My Mum called and screamed ‘hes dead, he’s dead’, the paramedics arrived, I arrived my Mum had tried, after 30 minutes it was over. Apart from the unmeasurable pain and shock I feel. I am trying to help my Mum who just wants to be with my Dad. They were childhood sweethearts… I cannot see ahead to this bleak, agonising future. Me and my siblings are round at my mum and dad’s, I have come home briefly because I have 2 children (age 9 and 12), husband and Dogs that all need me. Our Dad was our rock, we are such a close family… I find already that although my husband is sympathetic, he has no understanding, and I am becoming irritating to him. I am a nurse and feel I should have done more. He told me he had had hiccups for a day. I questioned him about indigestion, and suggested checking his blood pressure. I also told him he should see a GP if no better, because it could be related to his heart. I saw him again briefly 2 days later and he said that he felt OK now. However that isn’t the story I now know, but no one told me. I feel absolutely shattered. At the end of today we are expecting the coroner report…

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad very suddenly six weeks ago, he was 66. It is the most horrendous shock. It’s only 4 days and the rawness will settle. I, like you, have a husband and 2 children and know I have to keep going for them but I just can’t see how I can ever be happy again.

I have some days that are better than others, today is a bad day. I am racked with guilt and regret and although I’m constantly being told I shouldn’t feel this way - I do.

I have found that no one has a clue what the pain and suffering is like unless they have been through it.

I’m thinking of you and hope you have people around you that you can talk to. If not feel free to message me.

Dear Nic4 Thankyou so much for replying to me. I feel out of my depth. I am the fixer in the family, but now I am totally floored. It seems impossible to see a future right now. Yesterday was one of the worst day, I felt I would never recover. Today we collect the death certificate, appoint funeral directors… I have been cleaning everything. I am racked with guilt, like you, I am ashamed of my tears in front of my children. Everything is a chore. My friend says tiny steps. Perhaps that is the way forward x I of course and so sad that you too have lost your precious Dad, you are right no one understands. I guess like you that you were very close, I was, he was my hero… Please let’s keep in touch, if don’t mind xx I really appreciate your help, we can try and help each other xx hoping you are having a better day today xxx keep cleaning…, it does help… Xxx

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dads. I lost my dad suddenly in April 2018 from a massively heart attack. I have been reading posts on this forum for a little while now as I find it helps to feel like im not the only one going through this but I felt compelled to sign up and comment on your post as it feels like I could have written it myself.

My dad was only 57 and was fit and well so it was a complete horrendous shock when he died. In fact even now, 10 months on there are still days where I think has this actually really happened?!

My dad was my hero and we were so close, so the pain of losing him (particularly in the early days) has been unbearable at times and like you there were many days where I felt like i could never be happy again. And watching my mum go through this has been heartbreaking in itself. My mum and dad had been together for 40 years and were best friends, so her whole world has been completely shattered. I also have two children (aged 2 and 4) and I found it so difficult in the early days to parent and grieve at the same time. It’s just a complete minefield.

Grief is such a personal thing so I wouldn’t want to offer any advice or give any false hope, but all i would say from my experience so far is to take it all one day at a time (or even an hour at a time on the particularly bad days). It can seem too big and frightening to think any further ahead than that and to comprehend how you are going to live without your dad or enjoy life again. For me, I still miss my dad as much, if not more than, I did when he first died and there are still lots of bad days. However I have noticed over the last few months that I’m finding it easier to cope day to day. The loss of my dad is always there, however slowly I’m finding I can start to see the light again; I find myself laughing with the kids and my husband and I’m just getting to the point where I can look at pictures and videos of my dad and smile at the memories. I spend a lot of time with my mum which we both get a lot of comfort from, and I always feel closer to my dad when I’m with her. I think really its about getting yourself through each day as best you can and being kind to yourself, particularly in the early weeks. It can sometimes feel lonely and like no one understands what you are going through, but we are here in the same boat together and I’m always here if you want to talk.
Sending much love to you both xxx

This forum will hopefully offer some comfort with knowing people have been through or are facing difficult times like yourselves.

Following my mum passing 4 weeks ago I started to dip in and out of the forum as I felt very alone and confused. My heart is hurting so badly, I cry and I sit in silence. The funeral has passed and the world resumes around me.

I absolutely adored my mother. She was my friend, the go to person, the centre of the family and I never expected things to happen the way they have.

As others have said, the feelings you experince are are so personal because as people we are all so unique. Keep messaging if it supports you.

Taking a day or an hour at a time is great advice although on bad days your mind may run away with itself. I try to do something positive like taking the dog for a walk whilst I refocus but I allow myself to be sad.

Thinking of you and your family x

My dad died suddenly of a heart attack he was 49, a keen sportsman all his life, never smoked or drank alcohol. It was years ago and I had a young family and lived a long way from them. Please don’t be too hard on your husband because I realise now that I have lost my own husband that I never really understood what grief was and was very little support for my mother. Now I feel so guilty and wish I could tell her how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for her a bit more.

I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. My lovely Dad died very suddenly on May Bank Holiday last year. He was not feeling very well in his last week and he went to his GP which was very unlike him as he hated doctors! He was diagnosed with a chest infection and prescribed antibiotics. Unfortunately it turned out to be a blood clot on the lung due to a massive aortic aneurysm. We hadn’t a clue what was happening until it burst. I beat myself up daily about not getting him to go to the doctor earlier but it wouldn’t have made any difference.

It’s very early days for you and the shock and pain are horrendous. You can only support each other as best you can and you will get through this together. 9 months on its still tough but we are moving on. Sending you and your family lots of love xxx

Dear All lovely friends. I’m so sorry for the delay in replying I haven’t been coping well. I have severe anxiety. My chest is raw. I want to thank you all so much for all of your responses. It’s such a comfort. I feel so incredibly sad to hear your words. We are all so sad and overwhelmed by the huge losses in our families. It makes such a difference knowing I’m not alone. I am truly so grateful for to all of you xxxxx Thank you so much over and over… Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

How are you doing Nic4 xx please keep in touch… X thinking of you xx

Thank you lovely person… It truly helps to know I’m not alone. So sad for your loss. I can’t see past each hour. We are due to take my mum to see my dad tomorrow. We have so many arrangements to make… I really can’t focus… Little steps apparently… Xxxx thank you so much again xx

Dear Kayleighn
Such comforting words… You are so right…, it is a minefield. I am really struggling right now. I feel physically broken, overwhelmed and not coping at all. My anxiety is through the roof… We have so much to do and just feeding the dogs is hard… We are taking my mum to see Dad on Wednesday I am so scared… So much to do. Husband says I have to think of my Dad but I can’t because the pain in my chest is unbearable. I feel absolutely screwed and scared. Listening to your words is just like talking about my parents love, we are such a close family, seeing my mum is breaking my already broken heart… Thank you so much for being there xx

Yes you can only focus on the here and now. I understand completely where you are. Just take it one day at a time. It helped me to remember that although my Dad has gone he went very quickly and with little pain. Unfortunately it’s all the family left behind to deal with the fallout. I found that planning the funeral was very helpful and the funeral directors were wonderful. I used them as a sort of counselling service. It really helped to talk to someone outside the family about how I was feeling. It’s easy to put all your energy into making sure Mum is ok but you have to take time for yourself as well. Cry and scream if you need to. I know I did. I got angry at Dad for leaving so soon and my Mum did not cope to well. It’s getting better day by day though. Time does help. Of course I miss him and if I’m honest I’m still a bit cross with him! But we are moving on. Positive things are now happening which I never thought would again. My thoughts are with you all. Look after each other in the coming days and weeks. Xx

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