I don’t even know where to start with this one, I know it’s going to be a long one & I’m not expecting anyone to read this or respond.
I’ve been reading everyone else’s problems on her & I find it comforting in a way that I’m not the only person struggling so hopefully someone out there who can’t relate to this will find my message & find it comforting they aren’t alone.
I have no one in my life, just me & my dog, I’m trying to seek medical advice & help but I know how long that takes so for now I just want to get this off my chest and vent.
So 4 Years ago I lost my mum & both grandparents in the short space of 8 months. I’ve been in denial since & I’ve never been able to process the pain that comes along with loosing someone close to you.
Recently I’ve just not been able to shake off the thoughts of missing them, grief has slowly set in & the grieving process is intensifying to the point where a few days ago I had a brake down.
First off I lost my nan, she & my grandad raised me from a young age, she was in hospital for 2 weeks at the time I was working away from home & my “family” didn’t tell me she was sick or that she was even in the hospital for that case.
When I finally found out, I made my way home right away, I planned to go straight to the hospital but I was too late.
The morning I got back home I checked into Facebook to message a “family” member to get my nans ward/room number ect. This is when I was met with multiple posts from “family” & even family friends saying my nan had passed away the night before, no one called me, no one sent me a message, no one tried to contact me in any type of way to tell me the woman who raised me & was as good as a mum to me had passed away.
It infuriates me people who didn’t even know her knew before me & was posting about it over Facebook.
It brakes my heart every day knowing that I never had the chance to say goodbye to the woman who raised me.
Second was my mum, we had a strange relationship all thru my childhood she rejected me & put me thru a world of abuse (hence why I was raised by my grandparents) a few months after my nan passing my mum told me she had stage 2 cancer (I later found out for myself by going thru medical letters/records she lied to me, she was terminal stage 4).
As soon as she told me I dropped everything, put my life on hold to move back home & care for my mum as any daughter would.
I could see her drastically deteriorating everyday but no matter how many times I questioned her health she lied and kept leading me to belive she would be fine & had a great chance of pulling thru.
I done all I could to care for her no hesitation but deep down I secretly resented her for it because why is it I was there caring for her and she couldn’t meet basic needs as a mum caring for me as a child.
One night she was full of energy, dancing around the room, joking & laughing. I saw my mum & how she was before being diagnosed with cancer and I finally dropped my guard down and forgot the doubts I had about her health and I believed she truly was going to be fine and pull thru.
She passed away in my arms the next day.
I blamed myself for so long for not going thru her medical letters/records earlier, even tho I couldn’t of done anything to save her I would of known to cherish the moments I had with her instead of resenting having to care for her like it was a burden, I will never forgive myself for that.
Third to pass away was my grandad, he passed soon after my mum & I believe the loss of his wife & daughter made him so ill & heartbroken he couldn’t pull thru it, he passed unexpectedly. I found out the same way I found out about my nan passing, thru Facebook posts people had done about him the next day.
At this point we went back into lockdown, I had a hard time getting any info out if my family about funeral plans, I got vague replies with little info, to this day I still don’t know how my grandad passed away & I had to get his funeral details from an online obituary, I was never invited to the funeral but the morning of I showed up at the funeral parlour and got into to the funeral car, due to lockdown the funeral was small & there was no wake planned for afterwards. After the funeral my “family” kicked my out the funeral car & they all traveled back to a family home to mourn together, I found out after lockdown they had a wake with all the family & family friends who didn’t even know my grandad, I was never invited to this either.
I never got the chance to mourn the only male figure in my life, the man who raised me, my father figure, my rock & my best friend.
I cut off what little astranged family I had left after how they treated me thru all these losses, I know it was the best thing for me to do for myself but at the same time I’ve isolated myself & now I have no one.
It’s all creeped back up on me & it’s pushed me over the edge knowing I can’t shake the feeling of guilt, betrayal & heartbrake.
I would do anything to bring them back even just to say goodbye properly
I am so sorry for your losses, & the heartache & trauma you’ve been put through, as for the so-called “family” to treat you that way, what were they thinking, your so right to cut them off, for anyone to treat you like that, they’re proving they’re not worth the stress & upset they cause, you deserve so much better.