4 years on and i'm crippled grief

My husband died four and a half years ago and I cannot move on. I feel I have lost everything and all sense of identity. We have three adult children, the youngest lives with me (19), and I have two beautiful grandchildren aged 2 and 6 months. I know the world is beautiful and I appreciate it everyday but I want none of it and desire nothing and care so little. I overwhelmingly feel I am just so done and the only thing keeping me going is the guilt of what it would leave our beautiful children dealing with. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t believe in an after life or heaven and seeing or being with my partner again, the thought of an after life scares the life out of me! I just don’t want any more. I am exhausted, defeated, empty and in so much pain. I don’t know what the answer is. Please let me go…


Hi Wammbans, you sound really depressed, this pandemic has played havoc with all our mental health and you are having to cope with loss of your husband as well, please speak to your GP or a counsellor, hopefully there will be people on here who can support you, sending love Jude x

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Thank you so much for your reply, I honestly feel so lost right now. I was really bad about a year ago and have been diagnosed with eupd a few months ago, honestly I have been depressed forever but this is a whole new low. We were very young and spent 23 years together. I am so lost.


I don’t know if we ever get over losing our loved one, I’m only four months after and I have the same thoughts, I have lost my zest for life I don’t listen to the same music or find pleasure in anything and I feel this is my life now forever, I think about my husband constantly and have lots of incredible memories but it’s a double edge sword because it also accentuates my loss, take care of yourself and don’t underestimate the effects of sentiment of Xmas which is traumatising for all of us sending love and hugs xx

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Hi Wammbans. I’m sorry for your loss. I was like you when I lost loved ones. You go through so many stages of grief. You really need to reach out to someone. Having these darks thoughts are not good… I’ve been to them places with losing my family members. Your husband would want you to live your life for your family. It’s easier for me to say you will never get over losing your husband. . But it will get easier. It’s different for each person. And with llockdown last year and not seeing your family will drag you deeper into depression. Mental health has got worse for everybody in 2020 . I know I felt like I was in the pits of hell sometimes. Plz keep those precious memories close to your heart. I pray :pray: in time that you can think of your husband and smile about the happy times you had together. Sending love and prayer :pray: to you. Take care. Xxx