4 years on

My lovely hubby passed unexpectedly over 4 years ago. Married 39years would have been 40 in the May. Pain never leaves you you Just learn to live with it… just stumbled on this forum and wanted to write something . Death happens to everybody but when it comes to you nobody is ready.

Hello Looby19. Thank you for posting on the forum. They say time is a great healer, but not always! The community are really supportive, everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
Please continue to post and please know we are always here for you. Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.
Take care,
Online Community Team.

Hello Looby and welcome
I have not used the forum for a long time but this time I got an email I decided to have a look. I then saw your post.
In October it will be 48months for me too that I lost my Husband. I recently undertook 8 weeks of counselling and although it was intended to talk about my Husband it was mostly spent talking about my current troubles over my mums Alzheimer’s. This I could talk about quite freely but each time my Husband was brought up I was in floods of tears. The conclusion being in those 48 months, I have come to terms with absolutely nothing about my loss. Maybe I have shut everything away. After such a long time it’s like an invisible bereavement isn’t it. Sending you compassion Looby. Regards.

Hi Tina
I have similar experience Invisible bereavement that’s a good description. I too find it at times hard to talk about my husband. I could mention him in a conversation on a a Monday to my Mum but if she follows up about him I close down I don’t want to hear as it’s too sore. I have only now been able to put photographs out in the house and even that is very hard when I look at them. I glance then look away. My Mum is in her eighties and I am fortunate she is healthy . It must be very hard for you to have lost your husband and your Mum having Alzheimer’s. I have adult children but find that it can be lonely at the weekends when they are caught up doing their own things. Maybe I should have sustained more adult relationships throughout my marriage but you don’t think like that when your partner is your best friend. Anyway I woke at 6am to your reply and thought I would answer right away. I send out nice thoughts to you. X

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Thankyou Looby for your reply. It was appreciated. x

Hi Tina I meant to say I started a journal and write in it as if I am talking to my hubby giving him the family news etc not every day but when I am in the right frame of mind. I find it helps me. X

Hi Looby again. I know what you mean. I did this for a year every day after I lost him. I fear the attachment or bond is fading so I think I’ll start to do this again. x

Hi Tina
Just when you think you are coping a big wave of grief arrives when you least expect it. I only started my journal 3 years into my journey. When I lost my brother 32 years ago my Mum said some days she can’t see his face but then he becomes clear so I think this happens a lot. Don’t think it’s disconnecting just think it’s trying to cope. X

hi looby again. Yesterday I got one of those “waves” . A notification on my phone from Google Photos that said “from this day in 2016” I clicked on the image and it was of my Husband 2 days before he went into hospital at his worst. He looked so poorly and I was floored by seeing it again. Especially as I still am not able to look at photos. I’m normally quite good at avoiding triggers! Grief is forever present isnt it on one level or an other. x

Hi Tina
I understand that level of grief so very well the pain when you cry is actually physical. My husband had walked into hospital looking really good but never came through the heart operation. Age 59 and the professor said he had no worries about him!! I felt I let my husband down as It was an op in a private hospital and I feel they Did not have the necessary equipment to deal with what happened so they sent him to the major heart hospital in the City but by that time it was too late. I should have got some sort of investigation underway but I just couldn’t cope at that time. I am usually a strong person but went to pieces. Prolonged grief is not good for anybody but I think everyone that loved has prolonged grief we just learn to live with it. X

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