5 years and hyperventilating

I thought I was coping with Dad’s death but I don’t think I am. I feel a bit silly coming here as I’ve tried to sort this myself but my partner is sick of seeing me cry and I’m not sleeping. There’s a long story that goes before his death which probably attributes but I can reconcile all that (I’m angry as hell) but I found him at home slumped over an exercise bike in what was my childhood bedroom and the week before finding him I had taken the piss saying ‘he’s prob dead’ as he really liked punishing me by not answering the phone etc. Anyway it’s a long built up story to that point with lots of nuances. I’m here because I hyperventilate thinking about how long he was slumped over his exercise bike (they told me up to a week) and I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m going to die if I let it go. I don’t know what to do, they keep saying I need grief councilling and it’s been 5 years ffs. I dunno what to do.

Anyway I didn’t make it clear, I can’t think about how long it took for me to find him without hyperventilating, I can’t talk about it or get it out of my head.

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you found your dad dead, and that he had probably been there for some time. That is a horrible thing to have to deal with. It sounds as though it has a very intense effect on you, including causing panic and hyper-ventilation. I’m not sure from your post who has said to you that you need grief counselling, but it is certainly worth considering it, as it can really help people to manage the impact of a terrible experience like this.

You may be interested to know that we offer a free online bereavement counselling service here on the site - it is accessed via video chat. Find out more here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

Alternatively, you could speak to your GP about being referred to counselling or support services in your local area.

Hey I lost my dad 13years ago and went to counselling about anxiety, I’m only 3 weeks in and it turns out that a lot of it is probably to do with my dad’s death. I understand the panic. Your body is sending you in an emergency state and if you think about it you have had a massive trauma. Any death is trauma but seeing that person in front of you is something else. Your body is just trying to protect you, that panic is your body most likely trying to protect you from that trauma again if that makes sense? You have taken a step just writing in here, you mentioned it causes you panic thinking and talking about it all. Maybe just start of small? What he looked like or what was the best times you had with him. The things you are feeling, I promise you aren’t alone. When I figured out it was to do with my dad I have felt more anxious, it’s a defence mechanism protecting us from what’s underneath. There is so many layers to grief. I’m here if you need to chat maybe we can bounce ideas of one another to help each other out. One more thing… try to write him a letter, I know it sounds weird but it’s insane how much comes out that you didn’t know was there.

EMDR may help you process what you saw and what you went through, I had this for a traumatic event and it really helped. Also sounds like counselling will help. My dad was quite a difficult character and died 14 years ago, i needed a lot of help from professionals around his behaviour, illness and death, Do ask for help especially if affecting your relationship. I think its hard to ask for help but once you do you will wish you did it sooner - good luck.

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