5 years on. You can do this

Hi everyone. I just wanted to share my story as it may help a little to all of you who are just starting out on this unwanted journey of losing your loved one.
5 years ago on Boxing Day I went to a football match with my husband and he had a heart attack. He was taken to hospital and put into an induced coma after having procedures done and died the next day. The beginning of the nightmare began.
I felt bewildered. Angry. Hurt. Nearly suicidal. Alone. Frightened. Useless. And that was just the start.
Apart from all the emotional pain you have to deal with, there is also all the practical stuff which probably takes at least a year to sort out.
I joined groups and talked to people just like me. This really helped. I wrote a blog which was private at first then I let friends in to read it so they could understand me more and what I was going through. This was extremely therapeutic. Especially reading it back to see how far I had come. I recommend everyone to do this.
The pain cannot be overcome. You learn to live with it and develop within it and take it with you in a way that never leaves you but will become less severe and less painful. You will feel and will become a different person. I found it very sad that I had also lost a piece of me that had changed forever.
I describe the journey as a game of snakes and ladders. You get to feel slightly better then hit a snakes head and tumble right back down again. But you will keep going and you will move up more ladders.
Five years on and I still cry. Not as much. I smile a lot more thinking about the mad things my hubby used to do and that makes me feel nice. I will always feel sad I can’t share my life with him anymore. But I am a survivor. You all will be too. Little steps. Be as kind to yourself as possible. Don’t shy away from your emotions. And never forget you are not alone. Keep breathing. You will emerge from the darkness. You will smile again xx

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This is exactly what we need to hear, thank you :kissing_heart:

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I really needed to hear this description perfect snakes and ladders 9 months in and feel worst than ever I’m glad I came across your post. X

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If I can help just a little to anyone who is treading the same path that I have walked then my experience will not have been in vain. Virtual hugs to you all.

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Certainly has given me hope thank you x

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I think I will put some bits in here from my little blog I did. It may be helpful and there may be things you can identify with. This was 10 months down the line… Sometimes it is good to indulge in the wallowing of grief. Sometimes, as a widow, we have to indulge in the crying and self pity of where life has took us. Take time out and just wallow. Widows have earned that right. We wallow then get right back up and start out days again. As time goes by we tend to wallow more in solitude than maybe what we did around family and friends at the beginning of our journey. I have no fear of wallowing. It is me spending my time thinking about my husband and my loss. And that is my prerogative.

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Hi that’s me crying more in solitude now for the fear of upsetting my son to much his been my rock. I have not written anything down but I’m going to start.
XX

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This one was me wondering where he has gone and not feeling him around. I am sure we will share similar feelings on this …Five months tomorrow. What does that actually mean!! Jack shit really!! It is irrelevant if its 5 months, 6 months, 5 days, 1 year etc I suppose. I am moving forward slowly. Only because that is the way of the world. I have no choice. Keep going. Some days are okish. Some days, hours and minutes are still excruciatingly painful. I still will not accept it. I still wouldn’t be surprised if he walked through the door…but my god would I give him one almighty slap if he did!! I wish I knew, as I am sure everyone that has lost someone wishes they know too…if he is ok. If he misses me. If he is actually mourning for the world he left. If he is watching us all. If he is able to guide us. If he is able to laugh with us. If he is able to say you silly woman haha.
I have always thought there was life after death. Or that when someone dies they have something afterwards. But now I question that and I dont know why. I hate the thought that there is nothing. I hate the thought that there is no Ian at all in any format. I hate that, but I cant help thinking maybe thats that sometimes. At the beginning I felt him here all the time, but now I dont know if it is just wishful thinking. HOpefully, that feeling that Ian is still around will come back. Maybe he is having to embark on a journey of his own and is busy. Who knows. Noone really. Noone really knows do they?
Five months. Five long hard bloody months. Life’s a bitch eh!

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I never did much crying in front of the children. (All grown adults). I felt I had to be the strong one and waited until I was on my own. There is no right or wrong way. Just your way. And yes. Write things down. Even if it’s just one swear word. You will look back and see how strong you are when you felt so weak at the time.

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I wanted to include this next one to say it’s ok to feel like this. This was 18 months in. It was not what I was feeling every day but this was one of those falling down the snakes moments … I have never liked the word ‘HATE’. It is not a word i would use much, even for people that pee me off. You should never hate anyone or anything. You might dislike someone or something, but not hate. It is too strong a word for everyday vocabulary and a negative one at that.
But now I know why that word exits. I HATE the fact that my husband is not here. I HATE that I cannot talk to him. I HATE that I cannot hear his voice. I HATE that i grow older and he cannot. I HATE that i can experience new things and he cannot. I HATE not being able to share things with him. I HATE not being able to text him. I HATE not being able to phone him. I HATE not being able to share problems with him. I even HATE not having a tiff with him. So the word HATE really does have a meaning in its entire context. And i absolutely HATE being a widow because it just is not right!

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Thank you certainly wrote down how we feel time to start my writing journey now.
Take care x

Thank you for sharing this 6 and half months for me a and this sums it how am feeling right now
Wouldnt be suprised if he walked in the house but he would get a slap for how he left me
And the big question is there afterlife i cannot get thid thought out of my head and that fact that we all do eventually die x

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Thank you for this, at seven and a half months in after losing my husband Gerry it resonates a lot with me. I too am up and down, I write to him and still feel him around me. I believe he sends me signs. Take care all x

Dear Lcfcfem,

I am six years on and everything you have said is so true.

Sheila (Lonely)

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Thank you for sharing your journey, today I’ve walked in the park and near the promenade and I was asking my late partner what he thought about the new neighbourhood… We were supposed to move together but he passed away suddenly almost 4 months ago, I share things with him in imaginary dialogues and a journal, because it hurts too much to think he is not knowing what I do anymore.

About afterlife, I need to believe in it because that’s what keeps me taking one day at a time, a day past would be a day closer to seeing him again.

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I haven’t posted on here for a long time, but had to reply to your message. Beautiful. It’s been 2 1/2 years since I lost my lovely husband to a sudden heart attack too and I mirror your emotions and experiences. Sharing emotions with friends and with those of us who are in the same situation gives a kind of belonging. Thank you for posting it.

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Thank you. It is such a hard road to walk isn’t it? And no one understands unless they have been on that same journey. The one word that you said that made me smile is the word lovely. Your lovely husband. We are very to lucky to have had lovely husbands. Sometimes I feel very grateful that he didn’t suffer like a cancer patient would do and that he knew nothing about it. Just the way he would have wanted to go. But the shock factor I think is far greater for those left behind. I remember leaving the hospital in Liverpool and driving back up to Leicester and going into the house which we had left the day before and everything was the same but everything had changed. You just never know what tomorrow brings. And we do not realise our own strengths to carry on, because carry on we do even though we thought we just couldn’t do it. It is sad we share things in common, but also comforting. Xx

Thank you for writing this post-I am 5 and a half months in and the was hoping to feel better than I am. The fact that David is never coming back has sunk in and I don’t know how to live this new life without him. I am trying and sometimes its just exhausting just getting through the day, I don’t know what to think about living like this and at what point it will feel better, I am losing hope that I will feel better -your post gives me some hope but I feel so sad at the moment. David was my best friend and we did everything together and half of me has died with him and I am just so lost without him. I guess this is how everyone feels on here and I feel so angry that life is so cruel and I am wallowing today! x

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Spot on
And strangely inspiring,
Only 8 months in, still alone in a sense,
Thanks for the entire set of entries

I wrote this one just coming up to the year anniversary, just before Xmas. I wanted to share this one as it demonstrates that even though we suffer, we are also lucky. Lucky to have those memories. Lucky to have loved. Take some comfort from that if you can…Lessons learnt on counting blessings - I went out today for breakfast with my eldest daughter and she brought along two of her lovely friends who are also suffering mental health issues and live in the same mental health unit. Both these girls are beautiful human beings that have just been dealt with absolutely crap throughout their lives and have had an horrendous journey to date The youngest, who is 22, has never ever been to the seaside. Never. I took some crackers for us to pull today and it is the first time she has ever pulled a cracker. She has been in the care system since 12. Extreme scaring from self harming. Yet she is a SURVIVOR. The other lovely lady was around about 36. Had two children that got adopted when they were tiny - aged around 2 and 4. She was in an abusive relationship. She does not know where her now teenage children are but she is allowed to write to them once a year with birthday and xmas cards, which are held by social services until the children become of age to receive them. She clearly loves her children. I have no idea, nor want to know, all the reasons why all those years ago she lost her kiddies, but I do know she is very proud of them when speaking about them. This lady has also had several years of severe self-harming. Yet again, she is a SURVIVOR. This got me to thinking when driving home. These two lasses have not many good memories at all. I have loads. Who is the luckier one here? I am. We are all surviving in our own way, but how lucky am I to have such wonderful memories. Life is cruel, but it maybe is thoughtful to know that there are others who suffer and have suffered far far worse. Today I count my blessings.

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