50yrs Married.

This morning I was picked up by an old police colleague of mine and driven to an establishment for breakfast and to catch up on old times.

Despite the full English breakfast being cooked to perfection along with an all you can eat offer for £8-99. and the price complimenting the food - I didn’t enjoy it ! In fact I very rarely enjoy eating these days, the only time being when I’m truly hungry and the meal happens to tickle my taste buds; maybe once a month.

After an hour and a half talking I just had to leave leaving him to finish a bowl of mixed fruit. I developed an anxiety attack and became close to tears. My stomach had ’ butterflies ’ and I broke out into a hot sweat. I just had to get out of there. So I made my way home by train. I got lost finding the railway station as my mind had closed down yet again, but at least feeling numb the anxiety passed. However once on the train the speed of the passing countryside set off further anxiety but I managed to control it ( now thats a first for me. Anxiety because of a train journey! ) Arriving home I’m afraid I had to tuck into my beer despite not fancying it. I needed the alcohol hit to raise my spirits as best it can. Antidepressants don’t work for grief. And I take 20mgs of Citalopram a day.

Some people might say " You’ll never find the answer to your problems at the bottom of a glass’ And in my circumstances they are right. My darling Anne who passed nearly 2yrs ago isn’t coming back. BUT - without alcohol I’d either have had a complete mental breakdown or ended my life. I leave you to judge.

1 Like

Dear James

We get through each day as best we can and whatever it takes. I cannot see how I am going to manage x number of years without my husband by my side. I only take one day at a time and certainly cannot look beyond the short-term.

I too met a friend today, managed to stay the duration. The sun only serves to remind me of everything me and husband are missing together.

I also have no appetite. I practically force-feed myself. Nothing brings any pleasure but I know that I have to eat something. Also back on medication for an infection and need food to take alongside it.

1 Like

James sorry for your loss I don’t think anyone will judge you I think we do what we have to. Getting through the days are tough.
Take care

2 Likes

Evening James , I have never ever suffered from being anxious , but it suddenly hits me . My hubby died 11 weeks ago and my daughter asked me to go over to Anglesey with my sister who has been my rock since my loss . My hubby and I went to Anglesey last September our last trip together . I decided to go my sister drove our car over ,and halfway there it hit me in my chest it’s a feeling I’ve never had before just crying and sobbing for about 20 minutes . This is new but happened on the way and on the way home . I suddenly said I needed to go home early than planned . We had been together since I was 15 he was 17 married for 53 years and really happy years . I loved him so he gave me confidence we where meant for each other . My heart is broken into pieces .

1 Like

Dear Plascoch,
Losing the love of our life is devastating and no one has a cure. I’ve denied counselling because from previous experience it simply has a short term relief. The truth is no matter what our outside activities are or how many friends we have there always comes the time when we have to come back and enter a soulless house. And if friends were with us at our house and they leave the silence and loneliness is deafening. I have no cure or advice to give. For me its a living hell even after 2yrs of losing my soul mate, wife Anne of 50yrs.

I’m sorry my post isn’t uplifting. But I can only say it from my perspective. Every night I pray I might pass away in my sleep to be reunited with my sweet Anne.

2 Likes

I have suffered a few anxiety attacks. I try to cope and do what people think I should do after 6 months.
I drink most nights because after 35yrs I am on my own at bedtime. I am scared anxious and lonely. Drinking at least for a few hours helps me forget.

2 Likes

I am 6 months in and it still seems like yesterday. A part of me died along wuth mel. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces. My house is just an empty shell. If i died im sure nobody would notice. I dont cook anymore. Most of the time i snack and leave half of it. I get so upset that i get awful chest pains. My heart is broken. My house is empty, my soul mate is gone. What is there to live for!!!

1 Like

Evening Bubba , I again can’t see a end to the sadness, the home we shared which we both loved is as you say is lifeless . My house is far to big for me it was to big for the two of us but it’s the home we shared when our 2 daughters where growing up and I can’t ever sell it . It’s been 14 weeks and I struggle so . I’ve noticed lately that my daughters are not asking me how I am and talking about there Dad . Maybe because as soon as I talk about him in conversation I cry . This is sadness because I’m missing him so . I’m not sleeping my normal night is I’m still wide awake at 2.30 so I’m only getting about 4 to 5 hours a night . I can’t see any hope of recovering from such sadness . People who are honest say no it doesn’t get better this road of grief we’re all travelling down is never ending . :broken_heart:

1 Like

We had planned to move to a smaller property, flat with ground floor. Free up some money, and then travel around this country. I should of retired 6 weeks after i lost mel but no point now. I just work 22 days. Sleeping hasnt got any better. 4 to 5 hrs 8s my max. I do walk everyday. The empty house is a permanant reminder that mels gone but my memories are here and i couldnt bear to loose them.

1 Like

2 days not twenty two

1 Like