6 months on.

Losing a partner
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Hi everyone, six months ago my beautiful boyfriend and soulmate passed away. Things were very tough, but I thought I was learning to cope, I had being getting support from the Crisis team, but last month they discharged me, and since they my ability to get by has deteriorated rapidly.

I had found speaking to someone outside my friends and family bubble really helpful, I could talk openly in a way I could not with those close to me, but now that support is gone and feel alone and isolated again. I don’t know if others here have had similar experiences, but if you can offer some advice, I’d appreciate it.

Today has been especially rough, I would not say things have ever been good since I lost my love, but it suddenly feels hopeless again, I am tied of waking up alone, not that I want anybody else beside me, I just don’t want to wake up at all. I am not suicidal, but I just don’t want to live, if that makes sense.

Anyway thanks, hugs to all.

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JennyA
I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.We can all relate to your feelings and emotions and the grief you are going through.Everyone on this site is so understanding and caring.We are all going through various stages of grief and pain even thogh all our circumstances are different.Please reach out to us all on here and we will all help and support you.Take care

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Hi Jenny - I know exactly how you’re feeling. It’s 9 months since I lost my husband and the waves still come and knock me off my feet. When they’re bad I too feel that I don’t want to live but as you say, it’s not suicidal - it’s not wanting to live without your loved one in your life. I have been better at dealing with this recently following a walking holiday I had. The scenery was so beautiful it made me realise what a privilege it is to be alive and I reminded myself that me rejecting my life without my Paul is so unfair when that choice has been taken from him. Sending you a massive hug. xxxx

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Penny8
I was interested to hear about your walking holiday.Did you find it helped you?i have been finding things so difficult and painful since my dear wife passed in february.I loved my wife with all my heart and will love her until my time is up.I miss her so much.The lonelliness and emptyness is so hard and really upsets me>coming back to the empty house too is so upsetting.We had no children and i dont have brothers and sisters.I oten think whats the point of carrying on without my dear wife-not suicidal but not wanting to live without my wife.We loved the coast and countrside but i dont know if i am ready yet for a break especially to where we used to go.You were so right in saying that choice was taken from your Paul as it was my dear wife.Things are just so hard at the moment.No one even bothers phoning now and that is hard too.Just me now.Take care

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Hi Brummy

So sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. I think this is inevitable. Me and Paul did not have children. and even though I am very lucky to have lots of friends and family who support me, the existential lonliness I feel is intense at times and very difficult to cope with. Have you thought about going to a local grief group or asking your GP to refer you for counselling? My walking holiday did help me precisely because I was actually able to feel rather than just say that life is a gift. I have lost both parents and more recently my brother but nothing compares to the grief I am experiencing since my husband’s death - just absolutely horrendous. I do have some better days now and sometimes I make an active decision not to grieve as I just can’t sustain feeling like this. I have joined a couple of local walking groups and that is helping too though I always end up crying at some point when I’m asked why I’ve joined. Take care Brummy. Big hug to you as well xxx

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Penny8
Thank you for your support and understanding.I havent been for counselling yet,it may be a good idea.I was on medication for a while which i am off now,it did help but had side effects.I have enquied about a bereavement/grief group but there isnt anything around here.The only one i could find was Chester cathedral on a friday but i am back at work now so that would be difficult.Ther doesnt seem anything locally or at a weekendI did speak to a minister at a church which did help me>this site is really good and has helped me too,so many kind and understanding people.Sometimes you need that one to one interaction to “talk” to someone.Up to my wifes funeral people phoned, now hardly anyone does.The human interaction at work has helped a bit but they are just colleagues not friends.I was so sorry about the loss of your parents and brother.As you say nothing compares to the grief you experience with the passing of your wife/husband/partner.That is what i have found too.The evening and especially nighttime is so painful too.I cry every night when i go to bed.No hugs, goodnight kiss now…Take care Penny thank you for your kindness and understanding.Big hug to you tooxxx

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@brummy
Hello brummy,
How was your day today?
Today has been such a long day for me, especially with this hot weather.
Having spent the last 20 years with the absolute love of my life in a very happy and blissful relationship, I am struggling chronically with the loneliness. I’m just not used to my own company at all.
Being on my own makes me feel very panicky and anxious. I hate it.
I phoned a work colleague to ask how she is… she has shingles, but apart from that, I’ve felt very lonely.
Going from being a close, loving and happy couple who did everything together, to being on my own, is an adjustment that I’m not dealing with at all well.
I often wonder how others in our situation cope and deal with loneliness on a day by day basis.
Take care brummy xx

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Hello HeartofGold
It was good to hear from you.Its only people on here that contact me lately and i am so grateful for that.No one relative wise seems to bother.You and I are very similar how we feel and what we are going through.Many people on here are too going through similar things.My day wasnt too bad just a hard slog at work in this heat.Then come back home to the empty house, my dear wife not here waiting for me, she never will be now.That always upsets me and makes me cry.I am trying to get my head around things but failing.Its the lonelliness and emptyness, nothing to share things now like i did with my dear wife.Like someone else said its like groundhog day.36 years we were married, my dear wife now gone.I try to focus on good times and happy memories but that upsets me too knowing there will be no more happy memories to make.Sitting alone eating but not enjoying what i eat.My wife cooked me lovely meals, now just ready meals chucked in the microwave.Like yourself i am not used to my own company.I come back to the recurring theme of many of us on here,no phone calls now or very few.You just come to the conclusion noones bothered, all in their own worlds.I just hate being on my own, this life as it is is so painful.I say to my wife i am not living its just existing.Like yourself i am not adjusting to being on my own at all well.It is so horrible.Why did this happen to us?what did we do to deserve this?I saw an elderly lady from a few doors away she said are you feeling any better?i said no not really.She didnt know what to say after that.Unless someone has experienced what we have they dont understand the grief.Its always good to hear from you.
Take care Evexx

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Hi Jenny,

I am so sorry for your loss and can imagine how tough today must have been for you. Like you I lost my soulmate 6 months ago. We had been together for 30 years and in that time never spent more than a week apart at a time. She was the person I spoke to when I needed to share or vent, and I was always there for her.

When she died I felt like a part of me had been ripped away - not a clean cut but a jagged, rough separation where huge bits of me (my heart, my soul, my gut) were pulled whole out of my body and went away with her. The pain hasn’t gone away and, to be honest, I don’t want it to.

Like you I’m not suicidal, although it crosses my mind from time to time (more as a concept than a potential action), and I also have no desire to live. If it wasn’t for my dogs and their need to be walked, I probably would not be getting out of bed each day.

I’ve not reached out for counselling although I’ve been very fortunate that my sons, sister-in-law, friends and neighbours have all provided me a lot of support, which they’re happy I access when I need it rather than imposing on me.

There are times when even that support doesn’t cut it, and I really need to talk to my wife. So I do, and I hear her answers. In a way, it feels like although I lost so much of myself when she died, bits of her stayed with me and will always be part of me.

I also started keeping a journal, which has kind of morphed into a play - a conversation between us where we reminisce on how we met, the good and the bad times, and can talk about how much we love each other and how much her death has destroyed me.

I’m sorry that none of that feels like the advice you were looking for, but I just wanted you to know that you’re not the only one struggling with these feelings.

Take care

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Jennie

So so sorry for your loss. Words cannot describe and although we all suffer grief in our own way but this community is awash with love , kindness and understanding. I am new to this site from last week and all I can say is the community is totally amazing and helpful. I have out so much that I could never do to my friends . Although we have lots of friends it was as wife Sally who developed the relationships I tagged along. So on this site I have opened up like never before knowing it is a safe haven and the support just flows back in abundance.

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Hi BlueCanary,
Just read your post, i like how your journal has turned it a play. Has it helped ? I keep a journal. Its 23 weeks tonight that i lost my Sue. Like everyone else i am not suicidal, but you know. I have had counselling, because i also lost my Dad on Christmas day 2024 then 30 days later my wife.
I had about 9 weeks of counselling, which helped having a safe space to talk and be truthful about that night. Without the fear of upsetting anyone. I now go to a bereavement coffee morning, which was hard work till i told them why i was there. Now i am part of the group. This new path is crap. Take care

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Hi Nightwish1, thank you for the kind words. I’m sorry to hear about your Sue and your dad. That must be so tough.

I originally started writing the journal to record our life together because I didn’t want to ever forget any of the time we had together. But, as I was writing, I realised there was a huge gap around the conversations we didn’t have time to have at the end of her life.

This was because she was only diagnosed with cancer at the end of October and died at the start of January. Up until the end of November we thought we would still have years together and, only days after they told us it was too late to begin any treatment and moved her to the hospice, she lost her ability to communicate coherently.

So I turned the journal into a play so that we could have those conversations. We always used to say that we knew what each other were thinking without needing to say a word so, although I know it’s not her, I feel like I am connected to her as I’m writing.

On balance I have found this helpful - well as far as anything feels helpful through the grief. It’s made me cry, it’s made me laugh and it’s giving me a sense of purpose, when nothing else does.

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I am glad it’s given you a sense of purpose. That is so hard to find at the moment.
I am afraid your story is similar to mine.
Sue got diagnosed with cancer stage 4 in November, 9 1/2 weeks later after her first chemotherapy which was supposed to be 8. Sue collapsed and went.
I do like that you are doing both sides of the conversations. Take care

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Isn’t it amazing how as couples we know what each other is thinking on occasion. Sally can no longer communicate which is utterly heartbreaking. I have to lift her to and from the loo with amazing help from her daughter Sarah my step daughter. The last time probably 7 days ago I was walking down the stairs thinking I need to put out the green bin , before I got to the bottom said the stairs (small cottage) she shouted the green bin . We had many of those episodes over the past couple of years , it could be we needed to invite someone for supper , so I might mention and Sally would say did we have this conversation earlier , which we did not , we were just so as one. And I am so so scared now that she is at best days left existing ( which is all my wonderful wife is doing ) which I am struggling with . It is two weeks ago today when we were told she had days to live , each day we are told the same but tonight I have seen a big change in her breathing . I want her to go I want her to stay but in reality she needs to let go . Sorry I am rambling like a lost soul . I actually cannot believe it is happening and so close. Thank you for being here .

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Nedh, please do not apologise. Its hard the place you are at. You do not want to see her in pain, but you also do not want her to go. I know and i am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
Yes it is good when you are so in tune together, but it also makes it harder to get away with stuff. That look what have you broken etc.
Take care

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Nedh, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s just horrible and heartbreaking. I went through something very similar. The doctor at the hospice said she was at the end yet she carried on for another 10 days.
I so desperately didn’t want her to go but I couldn’t bear to watch the person who had been so bright, energetic and full of life lying there unable to move or talk.
Everyone is different but my wife’s breathing changed late in the evening before she died at 8.58am the following morning. I was lying with her and holding her arm when she went which was a small mercy.
Take care and I know it’s no real comfort, but I’ll be thinking of you.

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Thank you so much . It is comforting to know that what we are going through is “normal” for this situation, very tough but normal so thank you so much for your support

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You have made me smile even in my deep sadness thank you. This community is indeed amazing.

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