My husband died in September last year. We were together for 55+ years. I am finding this month very hard. It is coming up to his birthday - he went into hospital the day before last year - he had his stem cell transplant the day after. He battled blood cancer for over 4 years, had lots of chemo and transplants. Each time he rallied around and was always going to beat it. We had no idea that the last treatment would prove too much for his body to endure. He ended up with toxic encephalopathy and was unable to move or do anything for himself. He ended up getting sepsis. I know that had he lived life would have been unbearable for him as he had always been so active and I think eventually he would realised that he wasn’t going to recover. My logical side is telling me that this was for the best - whose best I’m not sure and what does that actually mean??? I just miss him so very much and it’s not being able to tell him about all the little things that other people wouldn’t be interested in. I spent every day with him in hospital and during the last week he was alive stayed with him night and day and was with him when he died. I am functioning and going out and doing what I can to keep busy but that feeling is always with me that I’m never going to see or touch him again and although I see lots of people I still feel so utterly alone and guilty for being here without him. Maybe it’s because of the time coming up that I’m feeling this way.
I totally get where you are coming from it’s coming up to 8 month since I lost my angel I blame myself for not doing more for him he passed away from a gastric burst ulcer I never realised how much pain he was in one minute we were talking on the phone within the hour he was gone he was only 51 loved his DJ work and music didn’t have any time really together 3 years wasn’t enough for me I miss him loads and often blame myself the grief is so raw some days I just don’t wanna be here but that’s selfish as I have 2 daughters of my own x I do hope you find some sort of piece what ever you do he wouldn’t want you to be sad eternally and will always be with you
@amberdog i understand exactly how you are feeling. It’s coming up to the 6 month anniversary of my husband’s passing , on the 27th. Like you once he was in hospital and they told him he didn’t have long I was with him night and day, and was there when he took his last breath.
I exist and outwardly I’m ok but on my own I still sob. It’s so hard.
Yes I know how you are feeling. Outwardly you have to be seen to be ok but it’s totally different when you are with your own thoughts. I get told that I’m doing well and I’m really brave but I’m neither of those things. I miss being able to chat to him - usually about nothing in particular - but I often find myself thinking I’ll tell Trevor that, and of course I can’t. There is also part of my brain queries whether he actually has gone, although like you I was with him when he drew his last breath and I actually have his ashes at home so I know he is gone. The mind can act very strangely. They say time is a healer and I sincerely hope this is do. Everything is still very raw at the moment. Take care xxx
Thank you. I really hope so and for you too. Am sure we will eventually be able to have our lovely memories without being so upset. Xxx