It is 6 months since my husband died suddenly . It feels like a day since we were waiting on him coming home from football and frantically phoning him and the police to find out where he was -then having the police arrive to tell us he had gone. It feels like forever since he hugged me. The next few weeks will be so difficult - wedding anniversary, six month anniversary, my son’s birthday and my birthday. Sometimes it’s all overwhelming. Family support has been non existant since the funeral. Guess all of us in this position just need to get on with it as best we can . It is so helpful to have this site to be able to express feelings with others who understand.
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Hi @Easter,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care,
Naoise
So sorry for your loss. Unfortunately it really is as horrendous as you believe and there’s no sugar coating it. I lost my husband suddenly 10 months ago when he came off his motorbike in Ireland and we still don’t have an inquest date to try and find out what happened.
Things I’ve found out are there’s no right or wrong way to do this, you really find out who’s there for you ( or not) and the things people say are just shocking. Tonight I’ve just been advised to. “buck up and think positive”. Think positive that you’ll never see or hold your husband again- are they mad 
. I find I have very little tolerance for people saying the wrong thing to me now and I’m a seething ball of anger at times but I recognise it as self defence.
I don’t really have any useful advice I’m afraid except KEEP TALKING to your trusted few (or here if you don’t have that support), keep talking about them and know that even death doesn’t stop the love you feel for him xxx
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DebraTu , I can so relate to what you are saying . I have well meaning friends who say “you can still do the things that you were planning to do together”. Well actually , I can’t , because we were going to do those things together, the 2 of us , not me on my own . The happy times that we spent together , I will never be able to relive. My partner died unexpectedly on 4 June and the pain of grief is overwhelming. It is only the people here on this forum , that truly understand the pain. I miss him so much, I want him back, it is like being in a bad dream , just existing day to day. You can distract yourself , but it doesn’t take away the loss. xx
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I completely agree. I can recommend a book called It’s okay that you’re not ok by Megan Devine which I have found very useful to help with dealing with certain aspects and what people say (however well meaning). You have to get through some of the “Americanisms” (no offence) but she certainly hits the nail on the head!!!
I don’t believe the pain will ever go away, it may soften, but there’s not a day goes by that it isn’t all consuming and I’m just waiting for him to come through the door. I feel I spend all day every day in limbo “waiting” - for what I don’t know - the nightmare to end 
. I look at photos and the reality of what’s happened is too horrendous to believe it’s true so I’m living in denial.
Please feel free to message me for a chat any time - not sure how much help I can be but I can tell you you will find support on here as we all go through the same nightmare xxx
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Elizabeth14
That is so true what you were saying about well meaning friends.I have had that too.One of my work colleagues said"you should go away for a break".No i couldnt .My dear wife and i always went away together.I couldnt go anywhere on my own without her it would just be too painful.We did everything together.As you said the happy times we spent together you cannot relive them.I am trying my best to get on with my life but the life was"our" life together, now that has been taken away from meI talk to her a lot.I tell her how much i miss her,how i wish she could come back.Its not a life now, just existing day to day.As you say you can distract yourself but it doesnt take awy the loss.I keep saying to my dear wife i cannot go on like this day after day without you.Take care
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@DebraTu
I am so very sorry for the sad loss of your husband and the devastating impact it has had on your life.
I have copied below a paragraph from your post because I recognised the words and emotions all too well. (Sorry it hasn’t pasted).
I am suffering with the sad and tragic loss of my soulmate, my partner and my best friend of 20 years, Michael was diagnosed 9 months ago with a rare and aggressive cancer and was only 58 years old. We were VERY happy and looking forward to the future, and growing old together. Always inseparable and did absolutely everything together, we didn’t need anyone else. We had our plans and dreams and life was really good.
Michael was a kind and gentle person and always made me feel so loved, cared for, safe and protected… always. Since his passing, which was very traumatic just over 2 weeks ago, my life has changed forever and I have become a person that I do not recognise.
I am like you, in a state of limbo, and waiting… but I don’t know what for either. I constantly feel very anxious, panicky and fearful, and I’m not able to overcome any of these feelings at all. My self confidence has disappeared and I just don’t know anything anymore.
I just feel so alone now and isolated. The loneliness is extremely difficult to deal with and something I never had to think about, or worry about previously. I just feel that I’m surrounded with uncertainty about the future and it makes me feel so panicky. Again, these are emotions that I have never experienced before, because Michael made everything ok and safe.
I now see the world through totally different eyes and it scares me so much. The world appears so alien and cold to me. I am not used to my own company, and I am really struggling with this. The emptiness and silence in the house is suffocating, and again, makes me feel panicky. I know that I am in shock and disbelief that something so catastrophic and completely life changing could happen, but these feelings have taken me over.
Michael was my world and I was his. My heart is broken, my stomach is in knots, and I don’t know how to combat this pain, fear, panic and anxiety. I just cannot see a way out of this nightmare.
I am sorry for going on, but I would appreciate any advice. The situation I find myself in, is something I never contemplated, not for a single second. The pain is excruciating. What do I do without my soulmate by my side? He had my back and I could always depend and rely on him 100%. He was always there for me no matter what.
I’m so, so sorry for everyone going through this nightmare.
Eve xx
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Hi Eve - sorry to hear your story x.
I think the only way to cope with it all at present is unfortunately to “let it happen”. There’s no point trying to bury your feelings or emotions as they will just bottle up and eventually surface at another time. It’s a cruel interminably horrific thing to go through and despite the support you may have (or not) you still have to ultimately handle it yourself. Distractions only work for a small amount of time before reality hits again (numerous times a day). I don’t believe it gets “better”, just perhaps softer some days but what life looks like going forward I literally have no idea. I don’t want to do this without him but I also couldn’t take the option and leave my 22yo daughter with that grief too! So so hard. Get through one day at a time, keep checking back in here, show yourself some care., and remember and keep talking about your loved one. There’s no happy ending to the story except you’ll ultimately be together one day forever. I lfind comfort in words like this (whether you’re a believer or not 
)
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DebraTu , I have ordered the book - thank you for your advice. I went for counselling yesterday, I am not sure that it is helping , I just seem to sit mostly crying for the whole session . I tried a bereavement cafe earlier this week , it was helpful to connect with people experiencing the same pain. But I am struggling every day , the memories of our happy times together come into my head and I can’t bear the fact that we can’t do those things again . We faced life’s challenges side by side. Now I’m alone, and I feel lost trying to handle everything without him . I need him with me, offering the reassurance that only he could give - the way we used to tackle problems together. He was my strength , my safe place. Being without him feels unbearable. The grief is relentless, I feel constantly sick inside. He should still be here with me, dreaming about our future together. But those dreams have shattered, our plans and hopes wiped away. I am struggling to see how I can move forward without him.
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Brummy , keep talking to her, I talk to Ian every day . I understand your pain , as do the lovely people who are posting on here. I can see how much you loved her , and how much she meant to you . She was your whole world - and losing her feels unbearable. There is nothing I can say to take away your pain, but you are not alone in this. Keep posting on here and talking about her, she will always be a part of you .
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Elizabeth it’s so horrific and myself and the majority of people on here understand your feelings - it’s all so raw and frankly unbelievable I know.
Have you been to the doctor at all? I saw a very understanding GP in the early days who gave me something to just take the edge off along with some anti sickness medication ( I didn’t want to be a vegetable in a chair) as she said you just need a little help to get you through the short term. She also suggested counselling but accessing the NHS route was a joke frankly so I saw a private lady who was very nice but I don’t think that helped me. I then went to a group session and again same thing so that wasn’t really for me.
I’ve found most help in 3 friends who will just listen when I want to talk, cry with me when I want to cry or back off when I don’t ……. we’re all so different and have to find what works for us. Again re counselling the lady who wrote the book said “we need to ask ourselves what it is we’re hoping to get out of counselling” - basically in my case I want him back and as that’s not going to happen then are you even open to the process I suppose is what she was saying. I decided I wasn’t. No one can give me what I want no matter how hard they want to so I couldn’t see the benefit of going to a weekly cryfest when I can do that every day at home .
I can’t answer how we move forward without them, except to say don’t look far into the future at the moment. Don’t make plans you don’t want to go to, don’t be coerced into doing things because other people think you should, stand up for yourself and how you feel - and if that is today I’m not getting dressed or moving off the sofa then that’s fine.
We have a 
so I’ve had to get out with her and I find being in the fresh air helpful. I go to a couple of country parks where I know I’m unlikely to bump into people and if I want to walk around crying then I do.
There is just no fix for this unfortunately, you have to just survive day by day (well that’s what I tell myself) and I’m still waiting for that magic to happen and life to return to normal xxxx
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DebraTu
I loved those words.Thank youI do like to believe that we willbe together one day forever.Its only that thought that keeps me going.
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Elizabeth14
Thank you for your understanding.I am trying my best to “carry on” but its so difficult.When the person you love has been taken away from you so suddenly with no warning its so painful.I am so grateful for this site which does help,everyone is so understanding and kind.Its the empiness and lonelliness which is so hard, coming back to the empty house and the evenings and nightime is really painful.I know its an underlying theme but the phone calls have literally stopped.That is so hard too.I do appreciate people have their own lives to lead.Its just i am literally alone now,Just me.Take care
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Me too - whatever your beliefs are I KNOW we will be together and all this pain will cease to exist xx
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DebraTu
I really do hope this pain will cease to exist.I am finding everthing so painful ,the emptiness , lonelliness.Do you have faith/religion?xx
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I think it will take a long, long, long time to feel anything other than pain tbh. I’m a Christian but wouldn’t say I was a regular church goer. I’m struggling with that too really as why would God take my husband and leave me with this pain I don’t know 
. We have a beautiful old church where we live (and I’ve been on the cleaning rota for 15 years) but don’t feel I can look for comfort there currently. You?
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I do have faith but to be honest it has been really tested.I am not a regular church goer but i have been going into churches more regularly.Chester Cathedral i go in most saturdays before i do my shopping,For just me now which is upsetting.I lit a candle for my dear wife on her birthday in may.I say a prayer and welcome the quiet even though it can be busy and quite noisy.My village church is much quieter,i went and sat inside after putting some flowers on my wifes grave which is in the churchyard.As you say it will take a long long time to feel anything other than pain.I think i am looking for answers as to WHY?My lovely dear wife was taken so suddenly from me and leave me with Grief and pain, loneliness and emptyness.Why would God do that to us?I do like to look on myself as a christian but my faith is really tested.Everything is just so painful
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I understand your pain and wanting answers but I fear there won’t be any - it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I hope you sit and talk to your wife when you take flowers as I’m sure she’s watching over you xx
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You are right i dont think there are any answers.There is a seat just by my wifes grave i always sit and talk to her.I talk to her constantly around the house too.I often think is there a purpose for all this grief and pain we are going throughxx
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