6 months without Dad: what I’ve learned

26 weeks ago I lost my Dad, on the very day he was to be discharged from hospital. Nothing can prepare you for watching someone’s dying breaths (agonal breathing is the official term) seeing a person actually dead but still warm & then visiting the chapel of rest weeks later to sit with a stranger because it no longer looked like your loved one.
26 weeks of every emotion going, registering a death with my mum was an eye opener. The end of someone’s life in black & white.
Planning a funeral & trying to do them justice at the same time. Choosing music & photographs when your brain can’t accept what’s happening.
I’ve discovered I’m a lot less patient than I was. I don’t suffer fools. It’s taken a death to make me realise I’m stronger than I thought.
The people in my life have been fantastic on the whole & Dad would’ve been pleased how much family have come together for him.
Little things can set you off when you’re bereaved. I can’t believe it’s been 6 months & I’ve been crying just about that milestone.
Grief is an absolute (insert expletive here) be kind to yourself. Everything is an effort after losing a loved one but you have to try. Even if it’s something simple like going for a coffee. Carrying on means carrying guilt but what’s the alternative, curling up in a ball. (I’ve thought about it more than once)
Seeing Dad’s empty chair & all of his much loved belongings is the hardest part & as for the being in an urn thing, I try not to think about it.
Losing someone is a trauma, especially if you were there or it was unexpected. I’ve found talking about it does help. I’ve also discovered that apparently hearing is the last sense to go before death so I’m hoping Dad knew I was there.
Thanks for reading & to anyone on a similar journey, please weigh in with what you’ve learned. Warmest wishes to all. Xx


Hello @Cee,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.

Take good care,

Sadly I’ve witnessed two deaths over the last 2 years and will soon have a third being my husband who’s just 43. I’ve learnt I will never touch a care home again as palliative care means relying on GP’s which can be hard, I’ve learnt that dying can be barbaric because of a broken system. I’ve learnt that dying in hospital can also be crap during a bank holiday weekend with lack of staff.
For my husband I’ve learnt to push hard for him to go into a hospice so he may have a decent death. I’ve also learnt if my time comes and the kids are grown I’m off to Switzerland.
I’ve learnt my family are useless, my friends who I thought would be there are shit, people you’d least expect to help are fab but really you are on your own.
I could go on and on as the last 2 years have been back to back hell.
Sorry, not overly positive I’m afraid xx


@Nori Thx for sharing & your honesty. My Dad’s death was horrible & getting info from the hospital was like talking to a group of 5 year olds. Departments never relayed info between themselves or shared it with us. He was just another patient to them, another death. I’m sorry that your experience errs on the side of negative regarding family/friends etc. That must make things ten times as difficult especially with kids. I just try & be the friend that I’d like in my life, shame others don’t adopt that mantra. I’m sorry you’re going thru this shit, life really is cruel. Xx


11 months since that fateful call…im so sorry he’s gone. My life as i knew it changed that day, grief most definitely is a (insert your choice phrase here!)
For the first 6 months i found everything hard, i functioned but just the basics and laughing or enjoying myself made me feel guilty cos Dad is no longer here enjoying life with us. His death was horrid, the hospital uncaring, its still too painful to talk about but barbaric is definitely a phrase that comes to mind.

Counselling helped, i learnt to accept death and i learnt how to live again and that its okay to cry, scream, shout whenever i need to but its also to laugh and smile too. Coming up to the 1 year im finding hard, people have told me that the first year is the hardest, all the firsts but im not finding any special dates easier to be honest.

Sorry this probably sounds very rambly, it is 1am and i should be asleep, work in the morning!

Its helpful resfing how others are learning and coping. Love to you all x


It’s not rambly. Ive been ok since 15 July. Dad was home. Not ill. No medication. Holding my hand. But i had to have my cat put down on Saturday and since then i have lost the plot.


Thanx @Lostdaughter, Your experience sounds like mine. I have flashbacks to that day whether I’m awake or asleep. I didn’t think 6 months would affect me as much as it did, even more than my Birthday, Dad’s Birthday, Mum’s Birthday etc…I’m glad that this platform has allowed me to chat openly with people like yourself. It really helps so thanks for sharing. Anytime you need to chat, moan, scream then please do. :+1:t3:

Hi @Alexandra3, sorry you’ve been dealt another blow. Life really is shit at times. Sometimes you just wait for the next disaster. Losing a pet is a family member & it hurts. Xx

Something else I really can’t reiterate enough. Grief has a pain all of its own. It’s intense, indescribable at times. Like a big rock that shifts between your stomach to your shoulders & you think you’ll go mad with the pain of it all. That missing person leaves a hole that grief fills with sadness. Xx


Hi Cee,
Know how you feel Am coming up to first anniversary of mum’s death in Dec and dreading it.Had a similar experience at the hosp too and still can’t forgive them
We are all here for each other so keep posting
Deborah x

@Cee everything you have said makes sense to me . I haven’t learned anything yet but I try everyday to carry on and learn to live with the pain of losing my Dad . It was so sudden and i am stil traumatised . It was 7 weeks ago but feels
Like yesterday .
Thanks for your post .
I feel isolated and lost and try and distract my self but then as you say I end up feeling guilty … as though I’m moving on without him .

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I lost my amazing dad also 26 weeks ago. I cry every day. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. As we grew older he became my best friend. I live in Hertfordshire and travelled to spend time with him every 2 weeks for the past 2 years. Now I am lost - a part of me has gone. He would hate me being like this and would encourage me to go out and enjoy myself - but quite simply I can’t. I used to go out, have a laugh, dance and really enjoy myself - I have lost a massive part of my life. Myself and my brothers nursed him to the end and it was honestly heart breaking. I totally understand everything that you have written. I feel for you. I understand exactly how you feel. Life will never be the same


@EllieJ it’s heartbreaking isn’t it .
Mines broken .
Miss him so much . Making me laugh and telling me what’s what … :sob::sob::sob:


This is how I feel guilty for carrying on without him. 26 weeks for me losing my dad. Really finding it hard - cry every single day. Missing him so much

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@EllieJ they would hate that we feel this way . I just can’t help it x

I feel exactly the same. I can hear him shouting at me to snap out of it and go and enjoy myself - but I am honestly struggling. I have to say hearing that other people feel the same is helping me already. I was/am such a daddy’s girl and the grief snd missing him is overwhelming

Me too . I’m so glad I spent so much quality time with him and mum I love spending time with them . I’m taking care of her now as he would want me to make sure she is ok .

I read grief is your love for them with no where to go … :sob:

You can message me anytime - you aren’t on your own .
I feel like people are expecting me to get back to normal . I cant .

When people ask me how I am - I am almost embarassed to say actually I am really struggling. I feel I can’t see certain friends because they have no clue how this feels. I spoke about him all the time to everyone - he was a very young 93 year old ballroom dancer. The smartest dressed man ever and such a big character. So I am still meeting people asking me how my dad is - and it horrific - I can’t get the words out of my mouth and of course I get upset. My mum died in 1992 and he done so well begin on his own all that time. I of course still miss her but when she died I had to look after him. Gosh it’s hard - you know you can also speak to me anytime x


Heartbreaking :broken_heart: love to you x

Thank you. You too. You are not alone. I’m
Crying writing this of course…

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