6 months

Where has it gone

How could it have gone so quickly

It’s Christmas in less than 2 weeks and all I want to do is hide away like I have tried to do since you left me I put people of as it’s so draining trying to pretend everything is OK

When it’s NOT

I have been trying so hard to be strong to try and move on like everyone else seems to have

But it’s not working

I just don’t know what to do any more

I am so lost and I just want to hear your voice I just want to talk to you

I keep having these scary thoughts that I should join you just to stop this pain and these feelings of worthlessness

I feel worthless and serve no purpose

I didn’t realise until you went how much you helped to keep me here
Because you needed me

I can’t do this act though because I could not put my family through all that pain and anguish

Hi Bluedreamer,

You are not alone… I feel sad reading your post, so much of what you said I can relate to. I lost my dad at the end of April 2018. I feel completely alone, it’s tough. There are triggers and reminders everywhere and zero to none support from ‘friends’ and ‘family’.
I wanted to reply so you know someone out there is reading your post but I have no words to take the pain away as I’m in the same boat and feel like a robot- get up, work, home with the family who don’t speak to me. Start again.
The recent weeks have been tough, scary thoughts like you because it all feels empty.
Despite this, keep posting because others on the site will empathise and have valuable advice. Sometimes you simply need to let it out and know someone is listening.
Take care
Sam

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Bluedreamer,
Reading what you wrote is like reading what is going on in my own head.
My dad died 4 weeks ago.
I am struggling massively and am also having those dark thoughts of ending it to end this pain.
Everyone seems so wrapped up in their own lives and christmas.
I am so sorry for your loss and hope that it helps to know that you are not alone in these thoughts and feelings

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Thank you so much for replying
I have been having quite a rough stressful day and have only just been able to get online and I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply
When I lost my dad my mum gave me so much support and was always ringing me up to check on me
We used to spend so much time together until first her health deteriorated and then my health went down hill in the last few years but even if I wasn’t able to go and see her as often as I used to we would talk on the phone

I have also just finished sorting out her estate which has left me raw
I keep thinking that I can’t have anymore tears left and that I should be less selfish and concentrate on my family especially as I haven’t even brought any presents yet
I only got the cards sorted out by sheer luck awhile back as they were on offer
I keep being told that I shouldn’t be alone over Christmas and even though I just want to be alone I don’t want to worry anyone so I have to put on a brave face and pretend to be fine
I have no motivation to even put up the tree and decorations
My sister is coming round tomorrow to help me as apparently I should make the effort

I am grateful for having people in my life that care but I am not sure if it’s me just over reacting too much and just after attention
No one has said those words but everyone else seems to be just carrying on with their lives going out to see pantos and Christmas shows and catch up meals with friends etc

Bless you it must still be very surreal for you as if you are living in a nightmare
I would love to be able to reassure you and say it gets better :frowning:

We just have to learn to live with out them

I know that considering how many people do not have a close connection with their parents and how lucky we who were close are very lucky
But it doesn’t stop the pain or the tears
Sending some gentle hugs your way xox

Sorry for ranting in my reply to you
Sending some gentle hugs your way xox

Thank you for your reply.
I am really struggling tonight.
Its so hard at this time of year as friends and family are so busy with christmas and all the fun celebrations, parties etc and i literally feel like a zombie.
Although i absolutely would not wish this on anyone it helps a little to know that im not alone in having these scary and dark thoughts and that there are other people experiencing this.
I hope you have some good supportive people around you, helping you through.
Big hugs ajx

Hi sam, i just wanted to say that i am sorry you are going through this too and that i understand how u feel.
I never imagined how awful, empty and devastated i was going to feel and most days i feel like giving up.
Its so hard to grieve around my children too and they are obviously having their own sadness too.
If you ever need to talk or need to know someone understands what you are going through, message me, hugs, ajx

I agree with you on knowing I am not alone
I often ring the samaratians up especially when it’s late at night and I am struggling to stop my head from spinning and just talking to someone who is not related and doesn’t try and change the subject
I am going to try and get some sleep now I hope you manage to get some too x

Two years ago my mother died, 4 months ago my wife died and then 7 weeks ago my favourite aunt died. Other than my grandmother who died a long time ago they are the three people who made me what I am. I think that grief can be very complicated and It’s difficult to understand how to carry it forward.

I cant imagine how awful you must feel to lose all those who were closest to you.
Everyones journey of grief is different and thats where the difficulty lies. Most people dont know what to say and just avoid you.
I hope that you can find some atrength and support from places like this.

Hi Ajslatter,
Thank you for your message, it’s nice to hear from others who get it and are supportive.
I understand what you mean, there is no amount of preparing anyone can do. It was one of my fears since I was little to loose my parents. It never left me, I would always fear this every night and as they grew older the feeling intensified.

I relate to having to put on a front, that all is ok when it’s far from not. Sometimes you don’t want to think about others feelings. I hope you have an outlet to simply let yourself go when you need that release.
In my case it’s the lack of understanding and being ostracised since dad passed despite living in the same house.
That’s kind, thank you very much! Take care and keep posting. Hugs back x

Hi Bluedreamer,

Don’t apologise, no need…
It’s tough and it comes in waves out of no where or you just live in this dark cloud.I just wanted you to know you are not alone and people are listening. You take care, hugs back x

Sorry for the delay in replying
I have been having afew technical issues struggling with physical and mental health issues

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