I am new to this site and having read some of the posts I can totally relate to most of the comments. My husband passed in Sue Ryder Hospice in January .He had rectal and prostate cancer. He had suffered over 5 months of pain and so many setbacks and procedures infections to much to mention here . It was then after Christmas that they said that they could do no more for him so end of life pallative care. We were fortunate that we managed to get him into Sue Ryder after chasing pallative care team at GRH. Here he was surrounded by first rate loving care they did everything they could to make him as comfortable as possible right until the end. We ( my son his partner and daughter ) were allowed to stay with him right until the end. To see someone you love suffer over 5 months and detoriate so that they could only just lay in bed hardly eat and become a shadow of themself is beyond heartbreaking. We arranged visiting so that he had one of us with him until the evening. He deserved no less . However this has left us all emotionally and physically exhausted. The sense of loss and the finality of it all is hitting us all very hard . People keep saying stay strong it will get better etc they mean well but I am tired through being strong I am a very empty cup. I agree about the tailing off of messages phone calls etc . I am finding out who my true friends are . People also say you know where we are if you need us but are not always there when you ask . I also find that when some people ask how you are they really want you to say ok when you want to scream I am really suffering and cant get the images out of my head of his suffering. I do get asked to social things but have been avoiding as I am going through a phase of not being able to stop sobbing . So I plod on and am lucky that my children and true friends are so good to me but I dont know when I will ever truely get over the sense of emptiness and loss.
My husband died 8 weeks ago. I have had similar experiences with people who reach out. I do not want to be told to keep strong - what’s that about? ! We have to let the emotion out, not bottle it up.
I’m also fed up with people saying ‘How are you?’ How do they think I am! I know they are trying their best but, as you say, they want to hear that we’re ok, not what we’re really feeling.
I have started to do more and to attend some social events. Personally, I have found that helpful and, although I still cry frequently, there are more moments of feeling a little ok. Perhaps you could try a social event or two?
Thank you for your reply and understanding where I am coming from. I am going to start going to things I am just so lacking in energy too . Hope that the little feeling ok gradually increases for you .
My boyfriend died suddenly 7 weeks ago, of a cardiac arrest. He popped out and said he’d be back within 15 minutes. He never came home.
I’m also very lacking in energy and tire very easily. My stomach was upset for 6 weeks and I still get that pain in my heart. I cry every day and cannot talk about it with people who haven’t already heard about it. I am still socialising but often need to leave the room to cry or just get a grip. I look forward to the nights when I close the curtains and can go to bed.
I really feel for you and your sudden loss its all very hard to cope with and to accept. It is upsetting too when you see people who havent heard about it . I have found that there is no quick fix or easy solution to deal with your loss. I can totally relate to your feelings and emotions . When I am having one of my really bad days I find that I too just want to retreat and not go out. You are dealing with shock as sudden loss and grief so be kind to yourself .
I relate to this. I sometimes force myself to socialise but have to leave to cry. I also get physical pain and just want the evening to arrive, pull the curtains and then go to bed. It has now been 8 months.