It’s been 7 weeks today since I lost my Mum and it is still so difficult. I find new things everyday that I need her for and it triggers me into yet another flurry of tears and tremors at the thought of getting through the rest of my life without her.
The funeral was a week and a half ago, it was a beautiful service, mum would’ve been so proud of what we pulled together for her. It brought home the finality of it all to me, I feel like I abandoned her in the crematorium as I did in the hospital when we couldn’t visit.
I spend so much time beating myself up telling myself all the things I should’ve done better in that final week when she was in hospital. I can’t even begin to think about getting back to any kind of normal and I am beginning to hate the term new normal - if one more person tells me my life will be a new normal I’ll scream. I don’t want a new normal I want my mum back. I know it’s stupid and irrational.
My siblings have gone back to work or are getting their lives back on track but I feel like I’m stagnating, I feel like my life stopped 7 weeks ago.
Dear Kabixixi, I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your Mum, you will be devastated, 7 weeks is such a short period of time, what you are feeling is normal, horrible but normal, the fact that your siblings are back at work and getting on with their lives is immaterial, everybody reacts differently, your Mum was the one person who knew better than anyone else, who has loved you all of your life, everybody has regrets, but at the time you did all you could and she will have known that, feeling guilty is all part of the grieving process, please believe me when I say it will get easier, it took me at least 6 months, before I could think about my Mum without crying, you will get there, but be kind to yourself, take a day at a time, sendings hugs and love Jude xx
Hi Kabixixi,
I am so sorry about your mum and send my sympathy. Please try not to beat yourself up and focus on all the lovely memories as much as you can, as you say, your mum would be so proud of you. I agree the funeral does underline finality and so well done for sorting that out and getting through it - I dreaded that for weeks before. I lost my dad in January, he was in hospital with COVID so we couldn’t visit or speak to him. I am still so sad and struggling, 7 weeks is nothing, so again, please don’t be hard on yourself.
I still had dreams (in fact still do occasionally) or ‘forget’ that I can’t speak to my dad and that hits me every time. I feel that my siblings are also coping ‘better’ than me, but who knows. It’s a horrible and weird situation. We try to be strong for my mum, who is battling through this, but yeah, it’s just shit.
Re. ‘the new normal’, I agree entirely, I am seeing friends and trying to ‘act normal’ (mainly) and kind of take interest in things but sometimes I also just want to say there is NO new normal for us, the virus killed my dad and anyone going on about ‘normal’ stuff is too much to take. It is not stupid to think that. Yes, we have all suffered during lockdown, but lockdown itself is a picnic compared to losing a parent, and breathless speculation about holidays etc just seems so pointless and shallow.
Take it a day at a time, good and bad days, just get through them
A