7 years on

7 years on from losing my husband to prostate cancer, I still have times when the shock of it all hits me, badly. I have joined groups and that distracts me somewhat. I think I am emotionally damaged and that will never go. I cry almost every morning because I’ve woken up and I know I will have to get through the day. Once I am out of the house, it eases off a bit. I manage Monday to Friday and then - the weekend! Two days of solitary and dark thoughts. I have no family support and if anything happened to me, no one would need to be contacted. A lot of the time I am scared. What if I get ill ? What if I am hospitalised ?



I think you are very,incredibly brave to have made it through 7 years,considering what you have been through,so sorry for your loss,my heart goes out to you. I lost my Mum,coming up to a year ago the end of August,1st of September 2017. Like you i don’t really have much family support,i am 35 and a lone parent to my son who is almost 12,and no brothers or sisters. On top of this i have been suffering with an illness since 2012,and the loss of my Mum has only added to my anxiety etc. Like you i dread the weekends,and struggle to do much at all,other than look after my son,our flat,and do the best to look after me. I feel very frightened,when i think of the future i am now having to face. If ever you need to talk i am here,Take Care,Lucy,xxx

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Hello Marianne
Have just read your posting. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down at present but hopefully it will lift a little…I think you must be quite amazing to have got through the last seven years and I don’t think you are emotionally damaged at all!! You are just a left behind lady trying to live life on your own and sometimes, for all of us, the sheer effort gets too much. In many ways I don’t think we ever completely recover from losing our soulmates…no matter how much time passes… and as the days go on loneliness is sometimes even more difficult to cope with than the initial grief. It is so difficult to make new friends in today’s society and I really empathsise with you. Please keep posting on here and, if you don’t feel a little brighter soon, go and have a chat with your doctor. Take care…I am sending you a hug! X

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How kind of you to reply Lucy, especially as your situation is so recent and you are struggling to cope on your own. Losing your mum must have been heartbreaking . I know how I felt losing mine, albeit in 1976, I could do with her now. I’m sure your mum was your bedrock and, like me, part of your world has gone. You must be strong for your son who, one day, will be there for you. Mar. xx

Thank you for replying Amelie’s gran. Soulmate is the right word. 43 years together work & play. No one to say to, “do you remember when we…”.
Mar. x

Hi Mazhub, how I feel for you because like you I don’t have family around me and feel uneasy about being found in my bed days/weeks later. Seven years is a long time but soulmates are there for ever. It’s difficult to find a way of getting though each and every day without them and I know the weekend thing. My lovely soulmate went on a Sunday and it seems that every Sunday I relieve it, I always try to find things to do but it doesn’t always work. I can’t cope with certain things, I just get to emotional but it’s taken a few years to work that out. Has they say life goes on wether we want it or not. Finding things to do that makes you feel happier and takes your mind of it, helps. I do hope you can find the things that help. Bless you.S

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Thank you for your empathy Susi. Everyone copes differently. Like you I couldn’t cope with things like the car and mower. I would burst into tears when I had to use them, and then, when they went wrong…!!
I can’t go walking or to the beach because the memories of us doing those things just destroys me. I do different things to what we did together and yes, it does help a bit. I go to the cinema on a Sunday to keep my mind off things.Have you tried that ?
Kind regards,

Hi, tomorrow I am going to the cinema to see Mamma Mia just as you suggested, I will let you know. Thanks for the idea.
I am very lucky because I can do most things but it is not good when I can’t. Coping is not easy and I don’t think it will ever get wonderful but It does get a bit better, I suppose we just learn to live with it. You take care and I let you know about tomorrow. S

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I hope you enjoy it Susie. I will be going to see Whitney.
No, coping is not easy, especially if you’ve been used to sharing decisions. You will get stronger but there will be times when you need two heads and one won’t be there and it hits home. Mar.x

Hi Sheila, Your letter made me cry because it says everything that I also feel. I have made a will, everything will go to the hospice. As you say, you put on a brave face for the public but inside you want to die. I remember when my mother died. The grief I had was not the same as now. I did’nt know how my father felt and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t “get on with it” like I was doing. I certainly understand him now! He was a widower for 35 years. I have only done 7 years. Equally with my mother in law. Again, 35 years a widow. All she wanted was our company but we had our life to lead.I feel the guilt of not giving them more time and sympathy but until you are in this position, you can’t possibly know how bad it feels.
I expect your sons are grieving in a different way to you and you must make allowances for the fact they have their lives to lead.
I know what you mean about songs etc. My husband played guitar and was in a group. I remember the first time I saw him playing. Now the songs his group played bring back memories and I miss him more. It’s funny how the words of a song have a different meaning with a change of circumstance. Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” reminds me of the ambulance that took him to the hospice to die.
Mar. xx

To all on coping with bereavement, well we are all the same on this strand, the years are moving on but I can’t say any of us are ‘getting over it’. I do hope someone new to this grieving thing doesn’t read what we have written because, well they just may go and do something silly. What each and every one has said is just me and I am sorry but each day is a struggle with some days very hard. Yes I put that smile on and best foot forward but
Well tomorrow is another day. I am ready for when the good Lord says it’s time. Everything I can do to help my boys deal with the paperwork is done and kept updated.
But in between times if I can help someone else with anything, then I will and oh it keeps me busy. That’s my answer to everything, keeping busy.
Bless each and everyone of you. S