7mths to the date since we lost Dad 
I can’t see how I’ve survived this long without him…already had his first Heavenly birthday, we’ve had our first Christmas without him and even the new year without him, all of which have been extremely difficult and something I never thought I’d be able to get through.
I don’t expect anything from this post, it’s just my outlet to let it all out and with it being 7mths exact to the date, I thought it to be a small milestone, well, a relatively big one as I’ve gone over half a year without Dad. Tears are forming as I’m typing this.
Today I’ve thought about some memories with Dad, like the last time I went for a carvery with him…it was before the first lockdown ever occurred, man it seems a lifetime ago. And I’ll never ever get to treat Dad to meals out or anything. I had lots I wanted to do, especially as he was coming up to retirement soon.
I know Dad’s with us, around us, in our hearts and I know he’s sending me signs every so often. I’ve got a purpose to life now, and that’s to make Dad even more proud and make my small business a success.
For those that are struggling, find something that makes you “happy” and gives you peace and things will soon to get a little easier, bit by bit.
For me, my crafting/business is my therapy and has saved me mentally. And as time has gone on I know I just need to do this for Dad 
I hope everyone’s doing okay. My messages are open if anyone ever wants to talk.
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Hi Steffi,
I saw your post and wanted to say hello as one artist/crafter to another. It’s been 7 weeks yesterday for my mam and we collected her ashes today and it’s like she left me all over again. I’m so distraught that I can’t do anything. I’ve just woke up and it hits me over again that it is real. I can’t imagine doing any ‘work’ again. I do admire that you are able to create again. Everything has stopped for me. I don’t see the point at all. I’m so sorry about your dad. My mam will be 80 in 5 days and I want to do something. I thought lighting lanterns and watching them light up the sky as they go would be something mam would have liked as we had done that for other occasions (I can’t even remember why). I miss her so much. I just wanted to let you know I often read posts and don’t reply, especially if it is too upsetting. Keep posting. It helps me. Keep making your dad proud xxx
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I am sorry to hear of your loss but wanted to let you know that your mention of your dad’s love of his carvery made me think of my mum’s huge fondness for her carvery that it made me smile….it made her Sunday if she could have one and then she just wanted to sleep for the rest of the day lol.
Like you I can’t quite believe I won’t ever be able to treat her again to one but I have a few photos of her smiling whilst showing off a plate so full of food it could have fed a small army 
I only wanted to thank you for sharing because as painful as it is it made someone happy for a moment.
Suzanne x
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Hi @christine51 I’m sorry to hear you lost your mum. I hope you managed to get through her birthday okay…the firsts are the difficult parts 
we’ve already had dad’s “first” birthday, remembrance day (he was always leading marching at the front of the remembrance parades in town, carrying one of the Standards those flags on poles…super proud I was of him!), then his and mum’s wedding anniversary without him, Xmas and New year…all of those firsts within 7mths but tbh, despite me wanting to be with dad, my crafting has actually saved me. Since Dad passed, I was full steam ahead being involved in the funeral arrangements, the paperwork/money side of things…it was all systems go for me and I guess because of that somewhat “motivation” if you could call it that, it gave me the mental energy to get stuck in my crafting.
Sorry this is long and may seem like the wording is confusing and mumble jumble (it’s 4.59am and I cannot sleep).
I hope you can get into your crafting again but only you will know when the time is right. It’s still very new to you your grief, so just allow your feelings and emotions but do reach out to people. Even if all you do is get out of bed, that’s an achievement you should be proud of! Sending lots of love x
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Hiya @steffi88am21,
Again your fond memories and descriptions have made me chortle so thank you again.
Yes my mum had ‘her chair’ and it’s now currently being occupied by her cat and heaven forbid anyone who tries to sit there lol x
Mum was a feeder of sorts in that she would offer everyone a banquet when they visited yet if they accepted I was the one who had to produce it as she was being ‘social’ by chatting…used to get on my nerves but now I realise what a slick move it was 
x
I hope you have a good weekend and take care of yourself,
Suzanne x
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Hi Steffi,
It’s lovely to imagine your Dad in the parade. It reminds me of the church bands for Easter when I was young and lived up north, parading through South Shields. It was a huge thing with people standing 6 deep on the pavements. I’m not sure if they still do it now. I know it’s not the same but it reminded me of happy times with family. You should be very proud!
I was very upset on Mam’s birthday and couldn’t do anything to celebrate. I didn’t see my family and couldn’t do the fireworks or lanterns on my own. I will but an old fashioned perfumed rose to celebrate her but haven’t ordered it yet because I can’t go in the garden apart from to feed the birds. My beautiful card hasn’t even arrived for her. I felt like I couldn’t celebrate her birthday because she wasn’t here herself.
It has been 8 weeks and I still have no enthusiasm for anything. But I did manage to create my buddha shrine for her. You can see it in CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM. I enjoyed doing that because it was for her. I have memory tags to hang from the mirror and have to sort out some photos of her. I also rephotographed the ones of her on hols to add to the tribute site. It’s so hard looking at them because they are the last pics of her. I just miss her so very much.
I think because all of the arrangements were dealt with by my family I had the space in which to grieve and now that I’ve stopped crying throughout the day I feel totally lost and empty. It’s fab that you are able to create. I did sort out some fabrics to see if I could get some connection but I didn’t. It is like sitting waiting but I don’t know what I’m waiting for. There’s nothing going on. I don’t go out unless I see my therapist. And since all of my family were insisting on me taking medication because I was so grief stricken (and they couldn’t understand why) I haven’t been in contact with them. Mam was my whole world. I feel lost without her. I just want her here, before she was ill, pottering in the garden with me.
Enjoy your crafting xxx
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Hi @Suzanne30 I hope you’re doing okay?!
I’m glad my message did that again 
it’s good to keep memories alive as it keeps our lost loved ones close and with us forever.
Haha I love when pets take charge 
it’s nice the cat “owns” it now, it kind of keeps the tradition going so to speak, if that makes sense and doesn’t sound like I’m speaking out of turn? Apologies if it’s upset you in any way.
Those “getting on my nerves” moments aren’t the best at that precise moment in time but it’s those moments we miss a lot too when they’re gone isn’t it? Like the bickering or the heated discussions too as much as they’re not great, it was all a part of them.
I’ve been remembering little things that Dad did that irritated me at the time like when he’d constantly tap on the arm of his chair whilst watching telly, it used to annoy me at times but I’d give anything to hear dad tapping again
Thankyou, it’s been a chilled weekend, my body was telling me to rest but today I’ve done more of my crafting. Crafting is what’s saving me and keeping me going. I’m trying to set up my own business and I’ve used a name in memory of Dad and my goal is to make Dad even prouder by it becoming successful 
so I’m grateful I’ve got this focus despite being only 7mths into grieving and still having really bad days. And I’m grateful for this page and all you lovely lot responding to me 
I hope you’ve had a lovely weekend xx
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Hi @christine51 I wish I could watch Dad in the parade for many more years I wish I told him how proud I was of him and I hope he knew.
I’m glad you’ve done your shrine. It’s okay to be alone, you’ve just got to do what’s best for you and listen to what your mind and body needs. Grief has a way of showing up and stopping us from doing things and perhaps the lantern lighting can be done when the time feels right…like some things happen for a reason and maybe you just needed that alone time on your mums birthday to process it all without any distractions or anything, if that makes sense? I don’t know how to word it as such but I hope you get what I was trying to say? I’m not sure though as I’m only 7mths into my grief but I’m starting to think that some things don’t happen the way we’d like them to in order to protect us, I don’t know though, my whole mindset and way of thinking has shifted and I believe lost loved ones are looking out for us (if this makes sense? It’s almost 3am and my sentences aren’t greatly understood as i just tupe away )
Only you know what works best for you. If the meds aren’t for you then don’t feel obliged to take them just because your family think it’s best. You know what’s best for you. It’s great you’re going to regular therapy. It’s getting you out and about which is great. Making that step is the hardest. I’ve refused any kind of help because I’ve felt I can manage on my own but I made that step last week and had a phone therapy session and got my next one in Feb. I’ll see how that goes as it was a huge step for me, it was like I was betraying myself because I’m a “strong” person. But again, therapy might not be for everyone, we’ve got to find what works best for ourselves.
Thankyou, my crafting is my therapy, it honestly is because it’s saving me in so many ways. I’m just trying the extra help from phone sessions to see if it can get me levelled. I’m also trying meds but they wrote me off the whole of the next day so I’m going to lower my dosage to see. But tbh I don’t think I need meds. I think my crafting, alongside phone sessions will do me good but we shall see. I’m turning my crafting into a business (all being well ) and changed the name in memory of Dad
It’ll be good when the weather’s nicer/warmer as it may give you the urge to spend more time in the garden besides feeding the birds. But again, don’t pressure yourself into anything, don’t feel you need to do things and be productive all of the time. Grief is unique to ourselves and we do things as and when we can. Just getting out of bed is a big achievement! X
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Hi Steffi, I’m sure your dad knew how proud of him you are. Someone told me that parents know their children instinctively, who we are and what we think and feel. I’ve been beating myself up this whole time about not telling mam how much I love her because I don’t say that kind of stuff in everyday life. I wish I had because I can’t now. I wish I was still a kid, going to Easter parades and visiting family at weekends and never having to grow up and then mam wouldn’t have been ill. I’ve always been terrified of getting old and didn’t know why. Now I just feel such intense sadness that I don’t have my mam.
Doing my shrine has helped me because I created something for her and I can sit and just be in that space with her. It’s something to aim for now, to get me to evening time when I can turn on the lights and candles and sit and think of her. I’ve been looking at roses to celebrate her but there’s so much choice I’ve given up. But I will get back to it. Going to treat mam to a David Austen but not sure yet what to get. I think a climber for the patio so she is closest to the house and I can look out and see her from the window and sit with her when the weather is nicer. Mam taught me all I know about gardening. I wish I’d listened to her more and written things down. We would plan our orders for the baskets. She’ll never see the flowers in Spring. I’m usually so busy I miss the planting season but had managed to get wallflowers and sweet williams planted last year. She wasn’t able to visit and didn’t see what I had done in the garden. I could have spent that time with her but we didn’t know she was so ill. It feels like I was always trying to catch up, so busy that I couldn’t see what was happening in front of me and now it’s too late. I miss her so much and going into the garden will just make it more real because that was what I was doing before she went into hospital. I thought if I can just get this finished before winter kicks in we’ll have all the lovely things to enjoy like xmas shopping, Edwardian night, iceskating etc.
I haven’t spoken to or seen family since just after Christmas. They wouldn’t listen to me and were treating me like a child. There’s nothing wrong with taking medication but I don’t want to deal with the side effects like I have done in the past. I’ve tried different ones over the years and gave up. Dealing with my anxiety head on, with therapy, is best for me. Finding the right medication can work wonders but I’d rather tackle life myself and not be ‘diluted’. Just found the emojis 
. They remind me of going out raving with the faces people used to pull.
I think it’s great that you’re getting into your crafting. Art therapy allows us to express naturally what we are feeling. I’m just not there yet but am thinking of translating my ‘memory tags’ into a textile hanging with a selection of hand embroidered memories. Mam would come out with random expressions like ‘scumphishing’ (really hot) and I would never know if it was a really old fashioned northern expression or that she’d make it up. I can’t ask her now. We take for granted who our loved ones are when they are here and it’s only when they have left us that we want answers to things that weren’t important then. This has taught mw a huge lesson - to slow down in life. I’m so driven to achieve that it has always taken priority and the ordinary is so much more valuable, like sitting listening to her old stories over a cup of tea. I wish I’d paid more attention.
There’s lots of free websites for your crafting business. One tip is to take good photographs and be aware of the settings needed for different sites where you can advertise / sell your work and link back to your own website (great for Google and getting established as an artist for people to visit your online store). It’s a lot of work but necessary. Try Etsy and Folksy (a small fee per listing). I tried these but didn’t sell because my work isn’t commercial (fine art textiles - wall hangings). If you need any tips just post and I’ll get back to you. I don’t know why I can’t get back to my work. It’s like I’m stuck. I think it’s lovely changing the name in memory of your dad. xxx
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Hi, I’m not ignoring your message, I’m just struggling as I’ve had a really bad day/night, I’ve not got the mental space for much atm but I hope you’re okay. It definitely is difficult all the wishing we do, wishing I’d asked Dad more about his life growing up and in the Army and just in depth conversations about him as a person, wishing I’d done/said this that and the other…that part pains the heart for sure. It’s getting harder and harder. I shall reply in a few days or so. Take care x
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Hi Steffi, It’s ok if you can’t get back to me or anyone else. I didn’t sleep last night with being upset for mam. I was still awake after 5 am so I don’t know how I’m up and about now (well I do, my little Porscha won’t go without her breakfast and if I don’t get up and pretend to be asleep she starts biting on my head).
I wanted to get out in the garden and didn’t manage it yesterday so I was straight out and fed the birds, took some pics of them (I record my garden and have yet to capture all the birds I get - robin, sparrow, blue tit, pigeon, crow, magpie, jaybird). When mam was in the hospital before she passed she was on morphine and couldn’t stay awake but I recorded the birds cheeping away having their breakfast and she liked it. She could hear us but not speak. I was very upset last night thinking of her. I have been doing better with getting household chores done but don’t get out unless I visit my therapist.
Take care hun, sending you love xxx
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Hi Steffi, I’ve not been posting here recently because I’ve just wanted to hide from everything and everybody. You’ll see from my posts today the turmoil with family. I feel like a child again, not coping because mam isn’t here. I didn’t know we were running out of time. My sisters knew and said I just didn’t want to face what was happening. I think your dad might have been amused by your ‘temper tantrum’ so try to turn the guilt around. My sisters fight with me all the time. We are all very different creatures. So reading your post has given me a lighter perspective on my own situation. I keep seeing mam as she really was, as herself before the ill health and during it, glimpses into her loveliness. It’s both comforting (I can nearly touch her she’s so close) but so devastating because she doesn’t now exist. That’s what I find so hard to understand. How can a person be here and then not. It makes no sense. You were very brave visiting your dad. I wish I could do that with mam but she’ll be going up north for Easter to join her parents grave. I’ll keep a little bit of her ashes with me for my shrine. But I know she isn’t actually there. So upset again. It’s the longing to have her back when I know it will never happen. It is torture. How can we be prepared for this. It’s horrendous. Don’t be too hard on yourself about reacting to your sister. Your emotions will be so hyper sensitive that anything will set you off. Your mam trying to cheer you up has me in floods of tears again. I miss feeling loved. That’s what it is. I feel so unloved without her and guilty that I couldn’t show her love back in the same way. She was so worried to leave me behind. I understand now that she would know I just want to join her. This really is torture. You did well going. It isn’t an easy thing to do so be proud that you went. Your dad would be proud of you. I wonder if he was watching over you. Take care xxx
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I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad exactly today 1 year and 7 months ago.
I miss him soooooo much!
It’s so long but it goes by in a blur.
He was only 50.
Thankfull my mom and I have a lot of memories and touchable things of ‘us’.
I’m now go into counseling.
If you ever look for someone to talk to, send me a message.
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@Janine123 thankyou. Sorry your Dad’s no longer here. It sucks doesn’t it 
all of the love we can no longer give them, the plans we had in mind, them enjoying retirement etc, it’s heartbreaking it truly is. Dad had thought about retiring (he passed 2mths before he’d have turned 66) and I wanted to give back to him for all that he’s done for us but sadly that’s not the case. I believe he’s with me though which is a real comfort and I know we’ll meet again. I’m trying to make my craft business a success in memory of Dad so I believe that’s my purpose in life.
Im glad you’ve got lots of memories. We need to keep them alive and never stop talking about them. I hope counselling is going okay for you. I’ve begun CBT and I think I may try bereavement counselling once I’ve done this one.
Take care x
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that was like an “I fully understand now” type thing!