8 horrid months

Good afternoon.It has been 8 months since losing my husband.I cope at the time of losing someone.With him,I phoned the undertaker,cleared all his paperwork arranged his funeral and a memorial for those that couldn’t attend .Everyone said how proud they were of me,how marvellous I was coping.Only those that really know me ,knew my grief was like a ticking time bomb.I still can’t stop eating,sleep for the most evades me and in the last few days the tears have been almost non stop.I can only picture him as a fit healthy young soldier.Not the very frail cancer ridden old man he became.I didn’t love the younger man as much as the older man,so why do I grieve so for the young man.Is it because we had the most wonderful life and we were both fit as a butchers dog and my brain is protecting me from recalling all the horrible stuff he endured in his final days? Any help /advice would be extremely welcome.I can’t go on like this.


Hi Tearful

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community :blue_heart: I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,

I am the same as you. My husband of 56 years died 18 months ago and I am still bereft. My memories are of this wonderfully handsome and kind man… not the person he became with dementia and the memories are so dreadfully painful and i just don’t see a way beyond this. My family are very near to me but don’t talk about their father much for fear of upsetting me and upsetting themselves too. my sister lost her husband when she was only 50 after 27 years of marriage so thinks I have nothing to complain about and says that a young widow will never have sympathy for an older widow. So I resonate with you in your feelings but sadly have no answer.


Know how you are feeling lost my husband at 58 feb 2023 keep having flash backs he was a strong fit man who kept himself very fit but I see him now siting on edge of our bed with his ribs visible from his back try to get images out of my head but they keep coming back it’s traumatic trying to get images out of my mind :heart::heart:

Hi Pat91.Really sorry you too find yourself in this really horrible situation.My lovely ,precious husband had liver cancer,early stages of dementia COPD and kidney disease.He remained cheerful and positive.He was a quiet strong man.It doesn’t matter if you were married 5 years or in my case 51 years the loss of your soul mate is indescribable.Your sister sounds(to me)very selfish.A catastrophic loss,is a catastrophic loss.I hope today is a better day for you.There is no way for us to navigate this loss.Every day is a day without them and for me absence really does make the heart grow fonder.I Fing grief unbearably cruel and hard.The heating engineer has been today and our 22 year old boiler is very old and tired.I need to replace it.What with, God knows.Very meagre savings,that won’t stretch anywhere near the cost.I am so cold.I have several layers on a fleece throw and a hot water bottle.Have tried a few charities for help to no avail.Grief invades everything doesn’t it.Stay safe and keep warm

Hi Rugby.Sorry you are going through this too.I wish our very traumatic memories of their passing would bugger off.All I can say to you is that vent on here ,there is always someone that will listen to you.I struggle to understand why my husband had to go through what he did ,when I know a wife beater who cheated on his wife and drank like a fish and hit his children and made their lives a misery until they were old enough to leave home.Both girls joined the navy,his wife left ,but he had inflicted years of hell on them.How come he,at 80 is still living? Nothing makes any sense.I hope you are ok today

Thank you Rhi
You take care too.

Hi tearful , thank you for your kind words , think I’m doing ok then bang back to where I started I’m sure this is the case for most of us , hope you ok too take care :heart:

Hi Rugby.I know what you mean about being back at square one.When I first saw his handwriting about a month after he died,it took my breath away and put me back to that day he died.It is also when you realise he will never get to do or see things again.We are in a living hell.I really hope you have people to help you through this.If you don’t,come on here ,the support is good.Are you going out and about ?

Hi tearful, yes I’m getting out I’m fortunate to have amazing family and very good friends . Also returned to work recently on phased return was hard having been off 10 months but it’s takes up 2 days a week don’t change anything it’s just a distraction for a while :heart:

Hello to you both who are enduring such awful grief. Thank you for your replies. Yes my sister is very matter of fact and tells me that she had to carry on as she had a young daughter of 12 to look after and bring up having had her as an older mother. That would give her a sense of purpose as i pointed out but at my age 80 I don’t have any sense of purpose so it’s not the same situation. i have recently moved from our home of 47 years to a smaller property near to my two sons and this is in an area which I am not familiar with 7 miles from my previous area. i was influenced by my sons to be nearer to them but now I grieve for my old familiar home and my neighbours so I feel totally lost and the grief now for my husband seems worse or perhaps I should say I feel a double grief. I so want to feel better and not worry my family but am finding everything so hard. I drive back to look around my previous home area but it unsettles me more so probably not a good idea to do that .My heart goes out to you both. Unfortunately all my friends are over 100 miles away as they moved for family reasons and my sister is 60 miles away. I speak on the phone every day and she tries hard to cheer me up but just says I am lucky as I had my husband in my life for 56 years whereas she only had 27 years. so there is no answer. I have a dog and that is a lifeline to me now.

Hello Pat91
I was married 51years,we had just celebrated it,well as best as we could because he was feeling grotty.Not realising he had liver cancer.I am sorry you find yourself in this predicament.You moved for all the right reasons.I can’t afford to move as too much needs doing to the house and property here in the south is so expensive.Some days I hate being in this house.Seeing and touching things he did.Other days I find it comforting.In grief there is no happy medium.I don’t drive and am not on a bus route,so I stay indoors.I just couldn’t care less anymore.I feel abandoned by him and I know he was desperate to stay with us ,but he was too ill.I feel mean saying I feel abandoned,but I do.Stay safe and warm.

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