8 montha

Well said you too Pat. I’m proud of you. So is your Brian. He’ll have a big smile across his face, saying “You go girl!”

I’m going to bake this afternoon which I don’t do very often anymore. My husband loved home made cake. I’ll probably end up eating it all but what the heck. I’ll have to go for extra bike rides to work it off.


Hi Pattidot, I too believe that our loved ones are in a far better place than we are, as your spiritualist friends thinks. My faith tells me it’s a very beautiful place to be. I’m sure none of them wanted to leave us and I’m sure they were sad to do so but, they have an advantage over us now, they know for sure they will see us again, consequently, their sadness will be lifted knowing that. As for us guys down here, we have our faith to rely on and faith is all we have. Or not. I’m so glad I’m in the former category and I…believe, believe, believe. What’s the point of the ‘eternity’ word if eternity never existed. Eternal love = Eternal life… and on we go :slight_smile:

Happy Easter lovely lady…x

Yes, Brian would enjoy the walks but I can also hear him saying “Can’t you ever sit still”, I don’t want to sit still. I have always liked a challenge and I am certainly having one now. I am now going out for another walk with my best friends, my dogs. I don’t crave company, I meet people when walking and enjoy a chat.
You enjoy your cake but be careful, I binged on cake after I lost Brian, as well as biscuits, chocolate, sweets. even alcohol and I have never touched it. Then I had a health scare that made me realise I was abusing myself, so it’s back to the healthy stuff. I don’t want to eat myself to death. So get the bike out tomorrow. We used to do a lot of cycling. I cycled to work most days but a year ago when Brian was weakening we got rid of the bikes. I wanted to do more walking with my dogs anyway. Then Brian went and bought an electric bike and off he went again, without me this time. He loved that bike it gave him the freedom to go out again. He only had a few months on it but it gave him so much pleasure. I sold it to a neighbour and see it going past our house I hope my Brian is also on it still.
All the best Pat xxx

Hi. I haven’t visited the forum for a while as I thought I was feeling a little better and coping.
I have filled my time , walking the dog, reading, sewing , visiting and being visited. I have even started drawing and it’s over 50 years since I last worked on any art (calling it art may be a bit of a stretch). I even sang and danced on my own as I couldn’t inflict that on anyone else.
Suddenly I realised that I am tired of trying to keep myself busy. Have to be busy so as not to cry.
Anyway I have suddenly gone down or backwards and I don’t know why I can feel ok one day and so awful today. I hope tomorrow feels better.
John and I didn’t believe in the after life but I feel he is with me but only in my heart and mind.
I think I am reaching the acceptance stage but I had some sort of set back.
So I am rambling on and not saying much but thanks for the space to do that.


Hi Yorkshire lad
We knew for two years that my husband was in heart failure, he had a defibrillator fitted and on lots of medication., a few blue lighted journeys to the hospital as well, but like you we just took each day at a time.and made the best of it. Looking back I think I just blanked the reality of the situation because the thought of him not being around would have made me ill too and as time went on there was a definite deterioration but I didn’t expect him to die on the cruise holiday though as the medical team said he was fine to travel.

I admire that you are trying to find something to give your life purpose . I’ve now got a puppy and I know it’s not for everyone but she keeps me amused and she makes me go out for a walk in the fresh air which helps,to clear my head , for a time anyway. If I can just concentrate on what I’m doing at any one time I can get through the day but if I stop and think too much it all goes to,pot. I would love to come out from under that black cloud,

Enjoy your break away .
Regards Jx

Hi June. c.
I’m like you in that I blanked the reality, partly because the actual timescale was unknown. We were away in a hotel when things went badly wrong. We checked out early and returned home, she walked slowly upstairs to bed and, after falling in the night, lost any further use of her legs. Two days later left home for hospital. I’m grateful she got home for the final 20 days. That bit could have been even worse. I think simple necessity just gets us through and the fact that we are so needed. A time to show the love, and all its fullness.
I think we have to find purpose or meaning, or at least try, as it’s unlikely to come looking for us and just happen. The simple act of getting a puppy is just doing that, making a change and a difference. I don’t think it has to be anything complicated or challenging. Sometimes it can lead on to other things that make a difference like different people to talk to. We had dogs and I think my wife knew every dog in town, and their owners. Unfortunately our lovely Moor is on fire at the moment, and many dog walkers today will be looking for different paths.
I don’t think we can stop thinking. It’s what we do and who we are. Maybe we can learn to think differently. I can think how lucky I’ve been over almost 50 years since I met my wife, and how unfortunate I might have been had I not met her. My memory isn’t brilliant and in some ways that’s not a bad thing. I can’t lock into the detail and have to make do with fragments. That might be because so much happened in my life, much of which had nothing to do with my wife or family.
I am looking to enjoy my break but I think I may have to work at that. I’m presuming it would be a different sort of enjoyment. I don’t feel massively excited or enthusiastic but I do know what interests me and what can lift and absorb me. Summer days alone can be very long days but I’m learning different survival skills and will need to learn some more. I quite fancy sharing my life with a dog and our previous ones loved life in a campervan and lots of outdoor living. I’m just biding my time and making sure that it would be a good decision. Could it do everything I want to do.

Good morning everyone. After a horrible sad day yesterday I feel a little better now.
I thought about it last night and think I know what sent me back under the black cloud. I will have to work on blocking those thoughts.
I heard someone say that we do our loved ones,or their memories a disservice by dwelling on the sadness of their going, and that we should try to dwell on the good and positive thoughts. So today I have already laughed at a memory of John’s horror when my brother in law announced that we the bride and groom would start the first dance. (He hated dancing but he did it for me). An early memory so I can fill some of today with lots more, 43 years worth.
I am off to walk Freddie then some painting and then dinner with my sister . Keeping busy again but letting the happy thoughts in in honour of John.

Sadone and CTF, it’s nine and a half months for me and in bed at night I curl up with one of Iain’s shirts and tell him how much I miss him and that I can’t go on. I can’t bear the thought of another cold dark winter dragging on and on like the last one. I too look back to July when the world seemed so warm and happy except in that room where Iain looked at me, said I love you twice, flapped his hand and just died and the light went from his eyes. At that moment everything changed forever and I realised that nothing would ever be the same again. I cannot function properly any more. I feel weak and unwell. I just want this overwhelming hell to be over because I can’t see the point of living any more and I feel desperately alone.
Thanks to this forum I know I am not the only one and that is a comfort.
Love you all xx

Hey, I wish you all peace and positivity today. No dark clouds, only blue skies…
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Not sure I can carry it off but I’m sure going to give it a damn good try. I intend to busy myself in the garden whilst chatting to my husband. I will imagine his responses and hopefully chuckle to myself. He hated gardening! Good luck everyone xx

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Hi Yorkshire lad

I like the expression that you are needing to adopt survival skills, that’s just what it is. Yes since I’ve had the puppy if it wasn’t for taking her for a walk there would be some days when I don’t see or speak to anyone all day. I am in contact regularly with my two sons but not in the day as they have work,travelling etc and when they do ring it’s usually when they are on the way home from work which breaks the evening up for me. One son talks about his dad the other seems to struggle if I appear in the least bit sentimental Example… it would have been our 47th wedding anniversary tomorrow . I can’t help but feel sad but do try not to blubber and try to sound ‘up’ … I think I’m doing a good job as a friend of his mentioned to me that he said I’m doing great apparently!!! I think I need an Oscar.

People ask am I sorry we didn’t have more holidays or weekends away but in honesty we didn’t feel the need maybe because for many years we would visit my parents every 3 or 4 weeks at the coast 90 miles away .No there is nothing I would change only I wish he had not had the problems . He was a very upbeat person and would never have been an invalid and would have hated me having to care for him especially as he had a very serious operation many years ago and ended up with a stoma. The only consolation is that I did what I could when I could and I went at his pace, which is what we do isn’t it.?

Take care and I hope you can kick those grey clouds into touch.

Good day here in Yorkshire amazing


Hello June. I enjoyed reading your post. I too liked YorkshireLad’s expression of survival skills. I suppose I call them coping strategies but I think survival skills is probably a more apt description. I’m glad you’ve got a puppy. I have 2 dogs and they really are great company and give us something to get up for, don’t they?

As with your one son, my son struggles to talk about his dad, whereas I chatter on about him all the time. He just goes very quiet without response. Not sure it’s good for them but maybe it’s their ‘survival skill’!

Great day here in Shropshire also. Too hot to walk doggies so will wait till this evening. Should have gone earlier this morning but had a lie in as another crappy night without sleep…

Enjoy the sunshine June - hopefully no clouds of any sort today…

Hello there Kate, noticed that you live in Shropshire. I used to live there before moving down south. I had a broken marriage and my Son and daughter moved to this area. I visited them regularly and on one visit had a fall and fractured my arm, hence couldn’t drive back. I ended up staying and married my Brian. I took him to Shropshire a few times, Ludlow area and he loved it. Although he was an out and out southern boy.

I was just like you. As soon as Brian died I seemed to be on a mission to sort everything. He had hobbies and so much equipment. He also hoarded It was never ending. Not only his things but all the usual paperwork, banks, pensions etc etc Items to be donated, and sold. Trips to the dump. Our allotments I was determined to keep them going, so tons of muck ordered and having to be spread, ground prepared for planting, long walks with the dogs, decorating the house. After months of work I had come to more or less the end , and the following week I had a health scare, which I have never had before. I suddenly went backwards also, when I thought I was doing quite well and becoming used to my own company. My way had been to keep busy, not give myself time to think, but those thoughts came flooding back, they hadn’t gone anywhere. So yes, like you I have good and bad days and wonder if there is someone out there playing a cruel joke. We just have to keep picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and put one foot in front of the other, AGAIN !!! Take care Pat xxx

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Ludlow is a lovely town Pat. I’m a Shrewsbury girl, Shropshire born and bred, as was my husband - haven’t moved far. We have lived in a village just outside of Shrewsbury for the past 30 years. Xx

Hello maryjane, I am so sorry you feel so wretched. We all have to admit that nothing will ever be the same again for us. You have bravely functioned for nine and half months, so please continue to find the strength to go on in the knowledge that Iain was thinking of you in his final moments. That is so lovely. I wonder if my husband knew I was even there with him, although I kept telling him that I loved him. I found the winter to be a comfort as I could lock the doors, put up the heating and close out the world. At the moment I’m already fed up with the warm weather as I have next door out in the garden making a noise and when I came home this afternoon Rick Astley was blaring out from a house over the back along with their disgusting smells of burnt meat. So roll on the winter and peace and quiet, which I crave at the moment.
You can take comfort that we know your pain but please take each day to slowly move forward.
Pat xxxx

I too look back and wonder what on earth was going on in my head. I was watching my husband slowly fade away and yet would not accept that I would lose him, after all we had known for ten years about his illness and he had come through bad times before. I could save him again, of that I had no doubt. But I couldn’t. We talked of the future, what we would be doing at this time. He couldn’t leave me, and when the doctor tried to get it through to me I didn’t listen, how dare he come into my house and tell me my husband would die. He had no right. We was being positive and he was ruining all that. Now I look at things that Brian had put away and wonder if he knew he would never get them out again.
Regarding your holiday, it must have been horrific for you. In 2008 when my husband was seriously ill and had surgery I was assured by the Doctors at the hospital that he could travel to Greece. At the last minute I had a gut feeling that it would be too risky and cancelled. My husband was gutted and I felt guilty however the day after we should have travelled I had to rush him into A&E and three days later again. To have gone to an island where there was no hospital, there was no doubt he would have died. He did recover that time and went back to Greece.

Dear Pat, I’m sure your husband knew you were there because they say the hearing is the last sense to go.

Dear Yorkshire Lad, my husband was diagnosed with cerebellar ataxia over ten years ago and, looking back, there were signs of it before then. It’s a progressive neurological condition cause by shrinking of the cerebellum which controls walking and speech.

Over the years I watched him change from someone who loved walking and the outdoors and the company of other people into an old man who could barely get around the house, leaning on furniture and sometimes having falls. His speech deteriorated and “friends” dwindled as they found it hard to understand him.

Then the cancer kicked in and another 4 months and he was dead. Only a couple of weeks before he died I watched him with tears in my eyes as he determinedly tottered slowly over to the garage to get a loaf from the big freezer there.

He never gave up. He never complained. It breaks my heart.

Dear maryjane, sometimes the words I have are inadequate to describe my feelings when I read posts and this is one of them.
Your husband was a very brave man throughout his suffering , your loving caring support helped him to be.
It’s so sad that these are now the prominent memories and I can feel from all your posts that this Easter weekend has been so very difficult for you.
I read on post a while ago that we have to try to move on from grieving to healing , I think this is true but know how very hard it is to let go of those memories of the last weeks and days of our loved ones.
I truly wish for some lighter days to come for you.

Reading about the heart breaking illnesses some of your loved ones had to endure has made me think about how my husband died. He never had any illnesses, hardly ever so much as a common cold. It was 4:30 am and Bang! Gone! No warning, no signs, nothing. Perhaps this is the best way to leave this world. No suffering. The consultant said he would have known nothing about it. That’s the selfless me talking. But the selfish me says if only I’d known, would I have lived those last few days, weeks, months differently? The shock and devastation of it all is horrendous. I’m still in shock nigh on 2 years late

I have the utmost admiration for all of you. You lived daily knowing and watching your loved ones deteriorate before your very eyes. You cared for them with love knowing what the outcome would be and for that I am so very, very sorry. I was spared all of that and it’s only now that I find I can be grateful for that, both from my point of view and that of my husband’s.

Of course, the end result for all of us here is the same. We’re the ones left behind. I send you all my love and respect. My respect also for your dear loved ones now departed, for bravely battling their deseases. Xx

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