8 montha

When does that feeling in the pit of your stomach end whenever you think of your love one and the fact you are never gonna see them again

I wish I knew.
I’ve just turned out all the lights and come to bed on my own again and can really not believe I’ve been doing this for nine months today. I’ll never get used to it.
How did that happen, where has he gone, it’s still unbelievable that he’s not here.
I think back to that day in July and keep repeating to myself ‘and then he died’ it’s all so surreal.
I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with it.
Sorry it’s not any help but know you’re not alone.



After 14 months of this nightmare world I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two types of people.

Some who go on to " a new life" that means something to them .Maybe because they have children/grandchildren, careers, ambitions or a faith that has meaning for them.

Then there are others who are on this horror ride forever.

Sadly , when I lost my lifelong partner I lost all meaning in my life. However hard I try, I’m left wading through endless days and sleepless nights with no end or relief in sight. Other than looking after our much loved elderly dog I can find nothing that has any meaning for me at all.

I’ve been through very bad times before and always kept going and worked my way out of them but this is beyond me !

I hope in time you will be in the first group. Take care Jx

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Hello CTF
I’m sorry but I don’t have any actual answers. I wish I did.
On the one hand I desperately want to keep the memory of my wife alive and as complete, or intact, as possible and on the other, I don’t want to suffer the depths of sadness and pain that results. I’m hoping that, in time, some of the pain is replaced by more smiles and warm gratitude for what I had. I’m struggling to find the right words to describe the comfort I desire.
It’s difficult to add to the points made in the previous posts, and they both made me think with regard to whether there can be new meaning to life. I don’t think I had realised how much ’ meaning’, or should that be ‘purpose’ , my wife had added to my life, and eight months later I am finding it difficult to find things to add enough new meaning. I don’t think that fresh meaning will just come to us, like a bolt out of the blue. Somehow we have to push ourselves to find it, but where to start. I’ve tried a variety of things, and I’ve several more lined up, but I don’t hold out much hope. Just occasionally I get glimpses of interest or excitement and I wonder if I’ve turned a corner. In just over three weeks I’m setting off to Devon and Cornwall in my new campervan and I’ve already realised that’s just going to be a different way of passing time. Hopefully, something will provide a lift, or even a series of lifts.
Unfortunately since my wife died eight months ago, my aunt, my cousin and a close friend have all died and that seems to have had a negative impact on those glimpses of ‘recovery’. I am determined to find a way of building a new life around my grief, as I can’t contemplate the alternative. I know things could be even worse, and are for others. I also know what my wife would have expected of me and so it becomes like a duty or an obligation.

Hi I just feel I’ve got a black cloud over me. That one day has changed our lives forever and I want my old life back.

It’s an analogy that resonates with me is the idea of living under a black cloud. I feel I’ve done that for five years.
It’s nearly five years ago that we were told my wife had a glioblastoma brain tumour and that she would die from it, and probably within the year. The cloud moved in then, and I learned to envy all those others who weren’t afflicted in that way. She died in August 2018 which was just over four years from diagnosis and every day we lived under that cloud and it affected our ability to lead a meaningful life, but we had each other for better or worse. From my wife’s point of view it would have been better for her to have lived a full life with no previous illness, and just died quickly in August 2018. From my selfish view I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with that trauma, and I got my trauma in instalments.
I’m not sure if I’m covered by a different cloud or whether the old one just stayed with me.

Sadly I’ve come to the same conclusion and I’m in the second category.
I’ve tried believe me I’ve tried to find this so called new life with meaning and purpose it’s all rubbish.
Margaret gave me meaning gave me a purpose and gave me 3 wonderful children we had 30 years together through thick and thin and cancer destroyed that in 3 weeks last summer.
I’m alive because I’m breathing, I have to for my kids.
There is no purpose anymore I’m just marking time.
Sorry I can’t be more positive but just struggling with everything including my 26th wedding anniversary this week the first without her.

I know what u mean I used to enjoy Sunday mornings but not anymore I keep looking at the time and going through that terrible morning. All we can do is keep strong. Xx

William, I agree. Life is crap. I am miserable and only play the game. But yet I do not want to die. I hope this misery will lift. It’s no way to live and live we must. My husband would never forgive me if I gave up on our daughters. Stay strong x

William, I agree. Life is crap. I am miserable and only play the game of living on. But yet I do not want to die. I hope this misery will lift. It’s no way to live and live we must. My husband would never forgive me if I gave up on our daughters. Stay strong x

YorkshireLad, how I can relate to what you are saying. I knew for ten years that Brian was on borrowed time. At first it was hard, so very hard. But we was blessed that Brian was fit and well most of that time. I even convinced myself that a mistake had been made. He was a walks leader with the ramblers, we cycled and every holiday was walking or cycling. Every day I said a prayer of thanks for having him still with me. Our lifestyle was second to non and I never gave up trying to improve things for him but I stil eventually l lost him. The last three months were horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. When my lovely, kind, generous, loving Brian said to me just before he died “What have I done to deserve this, I’ve never hurt anyone in my life” What could I say. It broke my heart, and it’s still in bits, I don’t think it will ever mend.
My father died suddenly in his forties, sat in his armchair, watching his favourite programme ‘Match of the Day’. Now I’m not going to say there’s ever a good or bad way of losing someone you love more than life but I hope and pray that when it’s my time I go as my father did. Am I being selfish, yes you bet I am.

This morning I lay in bed reading a book with a section about loss and I was interested in what it was saying. Apparently, and I quote.

“The only way out is through”. It’s not easy and a vast majority of people deny the symptoms or anaesthetise themselves through work, TV, food, alcohol, or some kind of drug. These emotions can store in the body and cause physical tension, causing all kinds of health problems and the body system can go haywire. Such emotions need to be fully expressed for both our physical and psychological health, so that we can move forward.

There’s a lot more but too much to put here. But you get the idea.

So it seems that we must go through this pain, anger, regret, or anything else we are going through before we can try to rebuild a life of sorts. I for one hope that it doesn’t go on for too long as I don’t want to feel like this for ever. The months are moving on but I’m not moving with them, it’s all seems like yesterday.

Simple answer is I don’t think it does end CTF. xx

Another simple sentence or part thereof - Together we could conquer the world, but apart?..

Hi Jackie
I seem to be in the second group and am feeling utterly miserable this morning. It’s Good Friday and I’m alone with my cat and my memories of my beloved husband who was still with me this time last year. We had a scrap of hope then that something could me done to treat the cancer but it was not to be.
I know it’s not true but it feels like everyone else is surrounded by friends and relatives and I don’t have a soul to turn to - not even anyone posting on this group.

I’ve enjoyed (not sure that’s the right word) reading this thread - some very good, thought provoking posts. I am reminded, once more, of an old post (unsure of author) as follows:

The plan is to feel strengthened to see a way forward… For my new life to encapsulate the previous life but not to be drowned by it.
Look for the glimpses of light, then look for more…

I thank whoever composed this; I try hard to use this as my mantra…xx

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Hi Pattidot
I’m like you in that I fancy a swift, painless death, but not for a long time yet. My Aunt died soon after my wife and she was 98. She found life hard and kept saying she was ready to go. I really wouldn’t want to go through anything like my wife did. I’m sure my kids will mourn my passing but it wouldn’t be long before they got over that.
My cousin died a few weeks ago just 3 months after his wife died and in a way I envy that he is out of it, but then I come to my senses.
What I don’t get is that my wife was a committed Christian and she prayed and worked at the same Church. I’m the complete opposite. I don’t get why she has been ’ punished’ in a quite terrible way and I’m still here. Maybe she just backed the wrong horse. I never heard her complain once or even ask why she had to suffer all that. I often asked myself that question and I suppose it just reinforced my views.

It will be 2 years in June since my darling husband passed away so very suddenly. I remember saying to someone, whilst in the early throws of my grief, that I didn’t know how to move forward from this. Well I’m not sure that I have moved forward; I am still addicted to my husband, completely obsessed with him. I am madly in love with him almost to the point of frenzy. However, I am learning to live with his spirit. I do not live alone, I live with a man who isn’t here in physical form. It’s a coping strategy and it can work to some extent. Of course I would much rather have him here physically but that can’t be. If I uttered this to some folk then they would have me certified but I can say this stuff to all of you. I now smile, laugh, dance around the house even. All of this whilst still carrying my husband around on my shoulder. This is forever and I think I accept that. I still have my dark moments but that’s ok and I know I will always. I no longer cry every day but I do still shed tears occasionally and that’s ok too. I cannot believe that it is 22 months since I have seen my husband as he is still so vibrant in my mind. It brings to mind our marriage vows ‘…till death us do part…’ True love is much more than that. It goes on for all eternity; it doesn’t end when one of us dies.

I hope by sharing this stuff it might give a glimmer of hope. Look for some light and then look for some more…


Hi YorkshireLad, yes I felt exactly like you. Brian wasn’t a church goer and made out he didn’t pray but when he died I found prayers and a crucifix in his wallet of which I carry with me at all times, however he was a kind, generous, popular man that everybody liked so why did he have to go. A spiritualist friend, I said this to, just said, “Because it was his time to go”. He is at peace in a beautiful place, where he will be welcomed and looked after, he is the lucky one" I hang onto those words and believe now that it is me that is being punished not Brian.
I too don’t want to go for a long time yet, so I am doing my best to get on with life as it is now. Can’t say I like it though.

Well said Kate, you are an inspiration. It’s bank holiday weekend and so many of us are going to feel alone. This morning I got up early and caught a bus to a point where I wanted to start a walk. When the dogs get on a bus they know it’s going to be good. This walk was one that Brian and I did many times together and I must admit to shedding a tear at the beginning, but having to concentrate as I scrambled over muddy tracks and climbing over 10 stiles I soon forgot my tears. Instead I listened to the birds in full early morning song. I looked at the wonderful views, the fields full of flowers and covered in daisies. So much around us to admire. When I reached town I caught the bus back home. We had been out nearly four hours and I felt better for having done something. I talked to Brian all the time, telling him where we was and knowing that he would understand as he had asked me before he died to carry him with me on all my walks, so we are still together, I make sure of that, loving the wildlife and countryside. I was content just being out with my dogs, watching them play and explore everything around them.
So please for those of you who are miserable get out, do something, anything. We will never get over our loss but we must make the best of what we now have.
Good luck and Happy Easter. Pat xxxx

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