Kate, it’s the conversation I miss probably the most too - whether it’s just about some little thing like a bird in the garden, something deeper and more complex or most of all being able to talk about something only the two of us shared in our 50 years of marriage. The “do you remember” moments can never be the same again although I treasure them immensely, I still want so much to share them with the person who helped to create them and ask him about the 1001 things we shared but I have forgotten. It’s funny but my cat doesn’t answer back either!
Many of the letters and cards I received when Iain died referred to his great sense of humour and even when in hospital he acted daft - having just come round from an endoscopy he looked like he had only a day or so left but then rallied and was transferred to a different ward. We stood in the corridor as he was wheeled through in his bed and gave us a gracious Queen Mother style wave. He must have felt awful but managed to hide it.
Hi Sadone, you’re welcome. I agree, I would also feel disrespectful if I didn’t remember and appreciate the pain and suffering, and all that goes with that, of both my Dad and my husband. I won’t ever forget their battles or their bravery. And, my love and respect for them knows no bounds. But, I will not let those times be the focus of my memories and overall thoughts of them. They do, as I said earlier, deserve so much more… x
Your absolutely right they do deserve more, they gave us so much of themselves. It’s up to us now to remember them with love and respect. Thanks Pat xxx
I’ve many very similar memories and I think I know how much effort it took. For me it just reinforces my admiration for my wife and I definitely don’t consider them sad memories. It adds to my belief how fortunate I was that she would go to such lengths for my benefit.
I’ve just been reading your post again from Monday and I think you’ve encapsulated so much of the difficulties we experience with such economy of words.
The learning part seems to be mainly trial and error in my case, and then some which I’d call incidental. I agree it’s not strictly linear but maybe just a modified version with dips along the way. I’m convinced that progression is reliant on a constant level of determination and that any wavering is going to lead to the “blithering” mess. Hopefully we remain resilient. It is life changing, or, as I prefer, transformative. We are in the process of Becoming. We have certainly lost something and I find it hard to come to terms with what that is. For me I find it’s more a case of losing a bit of almost everything but, hopefully, a portion of everything remains, despite being diminished. Time will tell.
As for healing, I think I need a few more years to consider that.
Thanks for helping my thinking.
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Hi Yorkshire lad . You put the words together and they make sense much as we are all going through these horrid times with a jumble of emotions. It amazing that you can unravel those feelings and put it so elequently , I find my head is all over the place and I get totally confused with the jumble going on . Just as I think I’ve moved round the corner something happens and bang. I too did as much for my husband as I could while trying to remain or appear to remain on top of the situation. One son seems to think I need to speak to a someone about how my husband died . I did speak to a Bereavement councillor on a couple of occasions and she did provide me with a coping strategy but at the end of the day we have to want to go forward and be ready to do that. I find I’m indecisive. My head says I must get on with it but I can’t get passed the starting gate emotionally and find the future a bit scary in a way. My sons have to get on with their busy lives and I get castigated by a daughter in law if I get anywhere near emotional in front of one of my sons, which I rarely do, she says it’s selfish (not to my face though) .because he’s not coping apparently… What a mess. when my husband was ill the past two years he didn’t want them to know about his off days so I respected his wishes, so they didn’t see it all, and now I’m pretending I’m ok when sometimes I floundering around.
The whole bereavement thing is a test of strength , it’s draining though isn’t it, but I say again that phrase you used Survival skills is so right.
Take care
Jx
Hi June
I’ve just walked back from Bolton Abbey. I took my car in for servicing and there’s little public transport so as usual I walked back. I used to walk more quickly but my knee problem put paid to that. Putting a positive spin on that I see so much more now. I was hoping to see the otters but no such luck. My neighbour has seen them several times but he goes at dusk. Fortunately I’m getting a lift back later.
I had a lot of years of listening and talking, or as my wife said " waffling". She was well practiced at deflating my ego. Trying to understand people and how they felt about change and what made them resistant to it, were my bread and butter. Maybe I should say caviar as it was often very rewarding for me as well, and I don’t just mean financially. It’s a strange thing that often people need to be trained how to think and there are different techniques to facilitate that. We all think, of course, but sometimes it all just gets jumbled up and doesn’t seem to have any end to it.
I think you are right about identifying that need to go forward for anything to happen more rapidly, but maybe rapidly isn’t always best. I suppose a big driver is whether you actually feel that need, and whether you have a vision as to where you want to go to, bearing in mind that you wouldn’t just stop and become fixed. You will be moving forward anyway and maybe at a pace that suits you better. I don’t think it’s common for fully functioning people to be “locked in” permanently.
I think I’m just coming to terms with apprehension about the future. At least it gets delivered to us in small instalments. I’m not sure I want to know too much about mine but I would like to be well prepared and that’s worth reflecting on.
I’m finding I get tired much earlier now and like you say it’s draining, both physically and emotionally. We need to learn how to rest our minds and our bodies but knowing that and doing it are very different things.
I don’t like to think that I will continually need to hone my survival skills. Surely at some point it will just become instinctive.
I remember back to days when we discussed when does coping become managing, and vice versa. They were always interesting when related to real situations in a work context but equally relevant in our world.
I wish you strength, and more and better survival skills.
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Hi im six months into thus and feel exactly as you I cant find or see a way out I just want my soulmate back in my arms take care
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It’s this concept of " moving forward". Where to? What for? I only want to be back with my kind, loving, comforting husband who could put his arms round me and make me feel safe and loved. It’ll soon be 10 months of the most horrendous sorrow and loneliness and I can’t take much more of it. This is no life at all and I sympathise with all those who are in the same black hole of grief.
I fully understand what you mean and as we have to live on, as we are still standing, still breathing, it’s just a case of whether there can be more than that.
I’m not sure how much more matters but, for me, there has to be something to aspire to, something to enhance my life.
I think it’s completely down to the individual, and couldn’t really be other that.
Maybe it’s related to our cumulative life experiences. I think it would be difficult for some one that had few hobbies or interests to suddenly be enthused by new ones. I saw that at first hand with my father. His work was his life and he had no interests outside it. When he retired he tried various things, none of which lasted long. He became depressed and then developed Alzheimers. I was determined to be different and I only have to remember him to become motivated.
Hi Maryjane it’s 8 months for me and there isn’t a day when I don’t wish for my John to be here with me.
Now I think you may think me hard.We can’t have what we had. We may dream and wish but it will never happen. So what is to become of us? It seems to me that we will stand still and become reclusive or we will make some effort at life.
I believe I owe it to John to make that effort. I am not going to say that every day is ok but some are.
I hope I have not upset or angered you but I felt concern when I read your post. Please don’t look for your previous happiness but know that it’s good to except that you can have a happy few minutes, hours or even days eventually .
I hope you have an ok day today. X
I do so agree with you Yorkshirelad.
Reading your answer I realise that maybe it’s because of my interests and hobbies that I can fill my days and make plans. That is not to say that I am fine and happy.
I worry that I make it all sound easier than it is but I do believe we have to except that we will never have what we truly want and miss. We have to cope or survive in a way that shows we are alive and will carry our loved ones memory and love forward.
Our 45 years together can’t be marked by me sitting here and waiting for the end.
I will live and in every experience I will talk about John and sometimes I will cry but I won’t just sit and wait.
Oh, I just realised I am having an ok day. I wish the the same for all of us.
It’s not easy is it. It demands constant effort and a constant positive internal dialogue. It’s no surprise we all feel shattered. I see this long continuum with Happy at one end and Unhappy at the other. I would love to be nearer one end but dread the idea of being too near the other.
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Hi Yorkshirelad
Thanks for your observations … Made me think. Nobody knows what this is like until it’s happened to them . It’s a hard journey . I am a plotter and a planner and a list maker, and it was always me that kept the calendar up to date so that I don’t forget anything. It was also me that would do the homework on the places we would visit. Now I still keep up the calendar and I still write lists but the I don’t have the enthusiasm at the moment for going anywhere, especially alone. Maybe I will o e day.
I heard on the news about the fires on Ilkley Moors. Disgusting.
We have spent many many times round the Cow and Calf and the pub there was one of our favourites and have been here many times.
I read the post about your daughter hope all is well.
Keep doing whatever it is you are doing you don’t sound have as confused as I feel.
Jx
Hello Yorkshire Lad, What yourself and Sjc have said so well is exactly how I feel. I think it all boils down to the individual as to how we look to a future without the people that were such a big part of our lives and you are so right it is down to the individual. I have never been one to sit around and wait, being the most impatient person ever. I have always had a busy life, being enthused by many things in my lifetime. My mother was very reclusive and didn’t have any hobbies or friends as such. She didn’t want any and told me that if my step-father died before her she didn’t want me, or anyone else constantly visiting her all the time. My husband once asked me if I would ever be like my mother and I was adamant that never in a million years. I have wondered recently if I have her genes but I don’t think I have. I was told today at a group counselling session that life would find us and not to rush into anything. I await the next chapter of my life with interest.
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Thanks June.
I don’t know how to manufacture enthusiasm but I suspect it will appear as just a small glimmer and make itself known to you.
I can’t bring myself to go up to that part of the Moor yet but a large portion of my wife’s ashes will go there one day, and more in Middleton woods which is a beautiful shade of blue at the moment. The bluebells were quite breathtaking when we walked there yesterday. It was very sad to look across the valley to the black moorland. So much of our life was bound up with those places. They were a perfect antidote to a hard day at work, and no hangover in the morning after.
Hi June, so right, no one could possibly understand this journey we are on. I’ve had a lot of life experiences, including two divorces but nothing compares with the loss of my Brian. I’ve just said the word ‘loss’ and I hate it. I haven’t lost Brian, he will always be with me,it’s just a little different. I’m still telling him off for grinning at me from the coffee table when I have my miserable moments. We are similar, I am also a planner, list maker and organiser, my birth sign says I’m a perfectionist and I think that is probably right. Unfortunately I’m not being too good with the lists of late, like you no enthusiasm. Having the allotments I have always recorded all seeds sowed and when planted and all details, names, suppliers etc. But this year I lost interest and dread to think what I am going to be planting. Certainly not the organised planting I am known for. One day though we will get our old selves back.
I’m not sure what to make of the idea that Life can find you. I read that in your earlier post and I’ve been trying to fathom what she could have meant. I like the idea of happenstance but I feel it’s a bit risky as a strategy. I remember your very early posts and being blown away by the idea that you could be so strong and resolute so soon after your loss. I know you’ve fallen off the proverbial cliff but I don’t imagine you as being a person that will sit back and rely on a future shaped by chance, fortune or luck. I doubt we can plan a future as so much is outside our control but I think we can shape and reshape it as it is revealed. Fortunately it only arrives in small bits. I don’t for one minute believe you are going to be doing any “awaiting”. Not even in your dreams.