Im 8 months on from my sisters death - sudden and completely unexpected.
I thought things were more stable but for some reason just now im starting to feel worse again.
Im crying at the drop of a hat, im having dreams/nightmares about her (and my dad who died almost 9 years ago) and i just feel really sad and overwhelmed.
With dad we knew it was coming but with my sister being so sudden im not sure if thats why things are feeling worse now. Or if its cos its coming up to christmas. Or if the shock has finally worn off.
Has anyone else found this? I feel like im going crazy again.
I am coming up to 6 months. Grieving is certainly not rhe linear process I assumed it would be. Time doesnt behave normally. For months it still seemed to be only days since he died. Then I noticed a bit of space, I was beginning to experience short episodes of pleasure. Which felt wrong and sure enough I was back down again, weeping in the street. So, up and down a lot. Yesterday I was crying on the kitchen floor, cant get much lower than that. Felt I had finally faced my demon. Then felt something inside had shifted, his death was bearable. I expect there will be many more tears and dark days but I want to live, even if I cant do it with him.
@Lavenderlady1, definitely not linear, i hear you there. I think my problem is the only other significant losses ive had, ive had time in advance to prepare. Im not saying that makes it easier because it doesnt but it makes it different. The shock took months to wear off this time. Even now there are times it doesnt feel real.
I think also it feels like ive lost my future. My grandpa was almost 90, my dad was 68 and had been ill for a number of years. I fully expected to have my sister for most of the rest of my life. And now, im still single because ive had to spend most of my time looking after dad and then my mum whos severely disabled, teach full time and im disabled too, i wont have my partner in crime. The last time i saw her before she died she said “well, you and i will just have to pester him into old age together” (meaning her husband who has been part of the family since i was 12 and im now 40) They couldnt have kids so I genuinely expected that to be the case. Ive never felt before like ive lost my future but this time i do.
I too think sudden death is particularly traumatic. Robbed of the chance to say goodbye, to tell him just how much I loved him. But I take some consolation knowing he was spared the knowledge of his impending death. I also felt robbed of my future, had imagined we would grow old and doddery together. And like you, I had spent past 8 years supporting my mother through dementia and then husband with Parkinsons. Suddenly they are both gone, father too and my life feels pointless. I dont want to waste rest of my life, trying to pick up my previous hobbies but that causes feelings of guilt . Being free to do your own thing is being imprisoned with yourself, horrible. But I dont feel noble enough, strong enough to go out and help other people.