8 Years on and still missing Mum and Dad

Losing a parent
#1

I miss Mum and Dad. It has been 8 years now since Mum died of lung cancer and doesn’t get any easier in fact I realise now I have not fully dealt with the grief. She was my best friend and always at the end of the phone 24/7 and this weekend when I felt poorly I really struggled without her and not having someone else to check in with. The lows are getting lower and that scares me.

I am resilient and have tried everything to feel better, the counselling, the tablets, books, exercise, moving country, moving house, jobs, partners but the dark cloak of depression keeps pulling me backwards and I don’t want it to win!

So I am doing something I haven’t done before. I am asking for your help and being really honest about my struggle with grief and feeling alone. Let me know you are out there, let me know I am not the only one struggling with this (I know I can’t be) and please share advice on what gets you through the tough times.

Thanks in advance x

#2

Hey Piglet73, you are definitely not alone. I lost my mum to lung cancer as well 3.5 years ago and my life has changed forever. I don’t necessarily have the answers but i just wanted to reach out and let you know i am here X

#3

Thanks Flower51 that means a lot and I am sorry for the loss of your Mum too :(. We were lucky to have them and it is just so hard to be without them! Thanks for the support - knowing you are not the only one really helps x

#4

Hey Piglet73, i have tried everything like youself well apart from moving country and partners although sometimes i feel like doing that too :slight_smile: I am always planning the next holiday or night away just to get away from my life here. After mum died i sold my home with my husband and we moved into a new home and my dad moved in with us - still don’t know if that was the right decision - i miss my old life so much but i know that is because my mum was huge part of that old life. Counselling helped me a bit although to be honest it opened a whole new can of worms which i am trying to deal with as well. Have you ever tried a medium, this helped me quite a bit at the time. Not sure if you believe in that or not but if you do it would be worth giving it a a go, it certainly gave me a little comfort that my mum was still very much ‘with me’ x
i don’t think there is one answer that is ever going to fix the overwhelming sense of loss, all we can do is try everything and hope that we get a little bit of something out of at least one of them that can give us a little comfort at that point in our lives. Most importantly i think we just have to be ok with that and accept that its going to have to be enough.
That may sound like i have my head around all of this but it definitely isn’t. It is a daily struggle as you know x

#5

Hey Flower51

What you say makes complete sense. It is a void that can never be filled but we have to keep on ‘keeping on’ and build new experiences and remember that we are doing great even though it feels tough! (I am feeling brighter today - can you tell?)

I have decided to try some specific bereavement counselling so will see if that helps as I wonder if I have been so busy with changes that I have not processed everything. The counselling I have had has not directly focused on that.

I am open to spiritual stuff too but have not seen a medium - sounds interesting. A friend of a friend reads tarot cards and has always told me my Mum is with me. That does bring some comfort. In my family we also believe robins are people who have passed coming to visit and I am always happy when I see one.

I am not sure any of us ever gets this sorted but as you say we have to find and try things to help.

How is your Dad doing? I lost my Dad first but know it is also hard to become the ‘adult’ for the remaining parent.

Take care, I appreciate the chats x

#6

mine are gone, too. six years dad, two years mother. like I said to a young man on here, it makes me permanently depressed. I was an only child. I miss them because they were great parents and great people.

the loss is staggering, for me. I thought about suicide a lot, and still know it is a way out.

but I do not want to give up the fight either and I know my parents would be greatly saddened if I did such a thing. they want me to live and try and find some happiness in life, before I go too, one day.

#7

Hi Piglet73

I understand your pain and you are certainly not alone. If you are putting one step in front of the other, you are doing fine. Xx

My story is I lost my beloved dad in May 17 then 6 weeks later my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I dropped everything to care for her as I am an only child then lost her May this year.

What gets me through is my mum’s advice. “Can you get through today? Well just take one day at a time”. She was amazing up to the end.

Some other advice I got was don’t worry about getting down. It’s just getting back up again that matters. I let my grief out in tears all the time and that helps.

I see grief like a storm at sea you simply have to get through. Some days are calmer at sea than others but we will build our lives back up somehow. We owe it to our parents to. I know mine would be furious with me if I didn’t try to enjoy this precious life we are given.

Virtual hugs to you all.

Ann xx

#8

Hi Berit

I understand how tough it is and as an only child it is a lot for you to bear. Do you have any other family members around? I speak to my cousins more now and that helps. My older brother is there for me but he deals with grief in a very different way so it is tough. I need to talk about how I feel to process it whereas he keeps it inside.

For the first time last weekend I felt I would do anythng for the pain to stop and that scared me. However talking to people here and at Cruse has helped me realise this is a normal reaction. Cruse have been great by the way and a counsellor is coming to visit me next week. They have a national helpline and local branches if you need someone to talk to who will understand.

We are stronger than we think, we are not alone and brighter days will come. You are right our parents would want us to be happy and we must fight for that.

Sending virtual hugs x

#9

Hi Ann

Thanks for your kind words and I am sorry for your loss which is still so recent :(. The storm analogy is a good one and your Mum’s words are so right. I think my mistake was to think the storm would pass and then it has caught me unawares. I have also been busy and perhaps haven’t spent enough time consciously thinking about Mum and Dad like I did at the start. I think my lesson is the potential for stormy winds will always be there but we can get through them if we face into them.

I know my Mum would say ‘Come on love, don’t be sad there is so much going for you. Go and wash your face and have a cuppa’.

Feeling your strength Ann and sending virtual hugs right back x

#10

Oh Piglet,

Your words that your mum would say have made me cry. She would have been so right :slight_smile:

They live on in us somehow. The fact we know what they would say makes them still with us in a way.

Anyway…I’m rambling now. Just wanted to wish everyone on here a better day.

Ann x

#11

Xxx

#12

Hi. My dad died in January and like you the loss is so hard to deal with. You feel like you are on your own and nobody could know how much pain you are in. However reading the many messages on here you are not alone we are all dealing with some degree of pain and have some of the same thoughts you are feeling. My only advice is set yourself a daily goal it can be as simple as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Grief effects people in so many ways and like you it seems to get harder not easier as people keep telling me. I try and think what my dad would be telling me and that at the moment keeps me going. You are allowed to be sad but also you are allowed to smile. I laughed and had a joke at work last week and immediately got upset as I thought I can’t laugh my dad had died but I then could hear him saying “Deborah it’s ok to laugh” my thoughts are with you and it’s ok to share your pain. Debs

#13

Thanks Ann, I hope you are too x

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