9 months and I can't cope anymore.

My grief has been getting steadily worse since I lost my Husband and I hadn’t been coping very well at all but I thought I’d already experienced ‘rock bottom’. However, I’m totally wiped out by a new and sudden surge of emotional pain that’s taken me right back to all the emotions I had been experiencing previously but to a much heightened intensity. Every detail is clearer, more painful, everything is magnified. All the “what if/if only” scenarios and now what they term “survivor guilt”. It’s like some form of PTSD and now all this new level of pain has come with a degree of anxiety I never before knew existed. Physically I feel shocking too. I had two sessions of Cruse and they were suspended as the volunteer said I was being “too” negative and didn’t want to resume them several months later when I told her I thought I was experiencing “complicated” grief. I then had two sessions of NHS counselling last month and the counsellor said she felt I was not able to continue as I was “not upto it”. Last week I told a stand-in GP at my Surgery that I was “broken” and didn’t know how to fix myself and I came away being made to feel like I had wasted this arrogant and indifferent doctor’s time. I keep having thoughts of wanting to go and “be with” my Husband and it’s like a new floodgate of tears has opened. To everyone else, including family - it’s in the past, for me it’s not. The irreversible “If only’s” are slowly killing me. A fellow member said she felt as if she had died but not actually gone anywhere. That’s a perfect description. I should have died and my Husband should still be here, I can’t have counselling because medics don’t think I’m fit and I dare not go private in case I do more harm than good - if that’s possible. All this sounds so self-indulgent and I apologize but I am in such a very bad way and turn know what to do anymore. Has anyone else ever experienced such a massive set-back and how did you manage to deal with things? Thank you to those who have read this.

Oh goodness! I can only imagine what you’ve been through. I’m really surprised to hear about your experiences with the professionals.

I am speaking from experience of losing my dad and 7 months on i feel like I’ve taken 1 step forward then 3 steps back, at times. My dad’s partner feels the same and we have both said that life will never be the same. I can’t begin to tell you about the what ifs, etc that we feel. my dad had appalling treatment from the medical professionals too so we have that anger to deal with also. It’s just horrible.

With gp it really is pot luck. I had one who completely dismissed my comment about dad’s brain tumour (i went due to suffering migraines) yet when i went back and saw another gp, she couldn’t have been kinder. Said that if i ever found i wasn’t coping, to get in touch. Even said if i was struggling at work, to contact the companies occupational health dept.

Please don’t give up. There are people out there that will help. Maybe going private will be better

Thanks so much for your reply. I’m sorry to read of both your losses. You are no stranger to tragedy. Yes I understand about the NHS as they failed him. From the GP to Hospital medics. I had written in my diary the mistakes the hospital made - but I can’t know if they impacted the final outcome. There’s just too many questions but like you and many others we feel their loss as both untimely and preventable and it wrecks you doesn’t it. I do feel a bit embarrassed as what one calls “going off on one”, in my post but sometimes things just get so desparate. Thanks again and look after yourself and family.

Don’t feel embarrassed. We all need to vent and forums such as this are perfect for it. Nobody judges and you have complete anonymity. The stuff I’ve posted on here, nobody in the real world will ever get to hear about.

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