Hi everyone. I have woken again this morning to that awful dread, loneliness and despair that grief and bereavement has placed me in. I like going to bed to close my eyes and have some respite from the pain, hurt and torment but then the waking up always brings me back to reality and the thought of another day without my soulmate and best friend at my side. I absolutely HATE weekends. Dave and I always did something nice, especially on a Saturday - go out for the day or afternoon and/or have a meal out. Then the evening would be spent cuddled up watching a DVD or television. I have been going out on Saturdays but then I miss him not being with me so that has increased my pain and not worked. So, for the last two Saturdays I have stayed IN all day and watched television as I did all day yesterday. When the television wasn’t on the silence was DEAFENING.
A good friend phoned me and for an hour of chatting, my mind was occupied by conversation and I wasn’t lonely, then of course when the phone call ended I was back on my own again. I thought of all the people that were a great support when Dave first died and now they have dropped off and never call me. I thought of all the people that have families surrounding them and are busy being together and doing things when I have no close family anymore. I feel angry, bitter and resentful about all that.
To make matters even worse yesterday, the post brought a document prosecuting me for speeding (36 mph in a 30 mph road) which I incurred on my way to my bereavement support group on Thursday. I so wanted to tell Dave all about it and have him cuddle me and talk to me and share it but of course, Dave has gone and I had no one to tell yesterday. As they say ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. I have never been caught for speeding before and it seems a blow to have to endure when I am already suffering and struggling enough. It is something else to have to ‘deal with’ when I am already knocked down and feeling broken. Things seem so much harder to cope with when you are bereaved and problems seems magnified although in the grand scheme of things I guess a speeding fine is not a big issue. At the moment to me, it is though. The loneliness and despair of yesterday really brought it home to me how alone I now am in this world and how isolated and what a horrid feeling that is.
Today being Sunday, Dave and I would do little jobs around the house and sometimes go out for Sunday lunch. I face another day alone watching television as can’t face going out. The phone will probably remain silent. Most of my friends do things on Sundays with their families or other friends so not a good day for me to phone them.
I suppose I need to start doing things at weekends but what? I just can’t seem to get motivated and staying in the house seems easier. Yes, staying in is hard, yet going out alone is even harder especially when I see couples together. Sometimes I think that as time is going on it is getting harder because realisation has hit home that this is my life now and Dave has gone and is not coming back. On the 13th of this month, Dave will have been gone for 3 months.
Thank goodness for this forum. Just had to pour all this out. Take care everyone.
Sorry to hear you’re feeling delicate today. I think Sundays are the worst for memories, loneliness and missing our soul mates.
I always try to make sure I have something to do. I have to walk the dog, I’ve been going to Sunday morning boot sales and listing on EBay in the afternoons. I also pop over to see my grandchildren or make a lunch for the family here.
I’ve also taken up knitting again and it’s very therpeutic as well as being practical. I attend a knitting circle at a local knitting shop one afternoon a week.
The thing is to either keep busy or find something interesting to distract you. Of course memories come flooding in and you break down, but that is also cathartic.
It was the Jewish festival of Yom Kippur yesterday, where we fast and remember our lost loved ones. I had a total meltdown in the synagogue and only had 1 tissue on me. I was the only one crying and felt so sad. The music and choir were so poignant.
My stepson has also decided to sue me over DH will this week- couldn’t be a worse week to do this to me.
Anyway Karen, onwards and upwards and small steps towards healing. It’s good to let out your feelings on this anonymous site.
My heart goes out to both of you. Karen for getting a speeding ticket and Lindi about your step son. Just miserable times and just so unfair.
Sundays are so awful I think. I lost my Mum last year and as I lived with her we spent weekends together doing whatever we felt like. When she was fit going out for walks and sometimes lunch, latterly just sitting chatting when her mobility was not good. Her friends talked to me about how alone they felt at weekends and I certainly understand that now. I never went shopping on Sundays then as didn’t approve of Sunday opening but do now. Anything to get out of the house. Lindi, I think your idea about the knitting is a great one. I used to do a lot of that and other crafts and must start up with them again. To be honest I just feel like staying in bed like you Karen. I have just brought a fluffy throw for my chair so will no doubt disappear under that for hours on end!
The quiet is so awful sometimes. I can’t listen to music for long as it gives me a headache I find and the same with the TV. Somehow we muddle through the weekends though!
I am so glad that I am not alone in thinking how awful Sundays are without my husband, who died four months ago. I hate everything about being a widow. The loneliness is unbearable sometimes and I am watching all kinds of rubbish on TV for company. I live in a retirement flat where pets are not allowed so I can’t even get a pussy cat to keep me company. After four months I think I should be getting better but I was married to Bill for 66 years, and my GP says that it is unrealistic to expect much improvement at this stage. He is right of course. I feel doubly sorry for those of you who have lost a child. The pain must be terrible. I have tried phoning Cruse many, many times but can never reach an advisor. How I long for some peace of mind. It would be lovely to hear from any of you when you start to feel a little better - if that day ever comes.
Hi Lindi and Mel and thanks for responding with kind words and support. I am sorry to hear of both of your losses. Yes, weekends do seem to be worse than weekdays. I have been watching telly all day today on the settee tucked up in my fluffy throw. A fluffy throw is a great comfort, eh Mel? As predicted, the phone has been silent but getting your messages has helped. Lindi, I am so sorry your stepson is sueing you. As you say, you don’t need that to add to your distress. You sound like you keep busy though and I know I will have to try and do the same.
Mel, I lost my mum 9 years ago and like you, we lived together. We used to do similar things to you at the weekends and were so close. She died of a brain hemorrhage and it was very quick. I still miss her and talk to her photo. I was struggling to cope with life when she died but I pressed on and then Dave came into my life 3 years later. I always said he saved me. He always said I would never be alone whilst he was alive and would talk to mum’s photo and tell her he would look after me. Now he has gone. It almost seems as if I am not allowed to have anyone to love or love me and that they get taken from me so that I have to live alone. It feels like I have to be punished. I must admit I feel very sorry for myself but then that is part of this bereavement and grieving.
I can’t listen to music at the moment as it makes me think of Dave. We loved listening to music together and had our special songs. If we were at home, we used to listen to ‘Sunday Love Songs’ on the radio on Sunday mornings. Quite frequently they played some of our songs. Mum and I used to listen to the radio and play music too but after she died, I couldn’t listen to the radio or music. It was only when I got with Dave that he helped me and I got back into it again and enjoyed it with him. He was my rock.
I have now been in the house for 2 days and apart from a phone call yesterday, haven’t seen or spoken to anyone. Tomorrow I must make the effort and go out as I can quite see how you can become a hermit. I wish I had a job and was going back to work tomorrow. I used to not look forward to the weekends ending and Monday morning coming and going back to work but now I am glad to see the back of the weekends and LONG to go to work in the morning. How things change.
I have been trying to get another job but haven’t been successful yet. Then, on the other hand, I don’t know if I can cope with work at the moment. My head is so muddled and I am all over the place. Making decisions seems so hard. I make a decision and then 5 minutes later can change my mind again.
Oh well, will go and get myself something to eat. At least that kills some time and I do try and look after myself with eating properly.
Take care both and hope to hear from you again.
Best wishes from Karen
Hi Virgo825. I had just finished replying to Mel and Lindi and saw your posting come in. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I think being on this forum really brings it home how much bereavement and suffering there is and how many of us are in pain, hurt and despair. I agree, the loneliness IS unbearable and I too watch all kinds of rubbish on the television. I have been watching television all day today and yesterday. I reckon my eyes are square!
You were married to Bill for such a long time so getting over it will take a long time too. Four months is no time at all. I have heard that Cruse is over stretched and there is a long waiting list which is unfortunate when you need someone. Last Thursday, I went to a Bereavement Support Group and I found that really helpful. Perhaps you could think of going to one too. I can recommend it and you could try it. If it isn’t for you and doesn’t help at least you have given it a go. I went to my first session not knowing if I would like it but I found it very positive and comforting to be with others in the same boat as me and I am looking forward to going again. I found my support group by asking on this forum if anyone knew of a group in or near Bury St Edmunds and Priscilla, the community manager responded and gave me the website address of the one I am now attending.
I too wish for some peace of mind and to feel better but as I am not even 3 months along yet, I fear I have a long and painful journey yet to go.
Keep in touch and take care.
Best wishes from Karen
hi karen, my thoughts are with you , i dont have the right words to say, but i am always here for a chat, i lost my mum on the 5th sept and im not coping very well.
it must be really hard for you but tell your frieds and family how you feel and try and join walks with a group at the weekend, maybe a dog ? i met a lady the other day she lost her husband and brought a dog ,she has met alot of people while going out with her dog and it really helped her x lots of love vicki x
Hi Karen ,
I know exactly how you feel , I lost my Charlie just over 5 weeks ago and now that the numb fog is lifting O realise how alone I am
… but I’m forcing myself out to do things in the hope that one day it will feel normal … today I intend to go for a swim and then to the cinema … I went last week to see Victoria and Abdul and after the strangeness at first it was ok … everyone says it will get easier . I truly hope they are right .
Hello, Karen. I haven’t posted on here for a little while but hope you are feeling a bit better now. I am still having good and bad days (mostly bad) and am beginning to wonder how much longer this will go on. I have found a support group but it is difficult for me to get to it so I am still looking. Anyone know of one anywhere near Petersfield or Waterlooville ? The loneliness seems to get worse. Maybe once the winter is over we will begin to get better. One problem I have is that I have never dreamed of my husband , not once, and I would love to see him again. Does anyone else have this problem? Best wishes. Eileen
I lost my husband just 3 weeks ago so the pain is very raw. I am finding it so hard to say “I” instead of “We” and “mine”instead of “ours” . I miss him so very much and know I’m just at the start of the grieving process . I have 2 small dogs which helps as at least I’m not coming home to a completely empty flat , but still it feels so lonely . My only family is my daughter and her family who live 80 miles away, so I feel so alone now . I went for a Cruise Counselling Assesment and have been put on a waiting list for 121 Counselling but have no idea how long I will have to wait. I work part time and will be going back to work next week , but it’s a very stressful job at times so just hoping I will cope.
I hate this , I hate being a widow, I hate that my darling Patrick suffered so much with pancreatic cancer , I hate my life without him . I miss him every day and every moment . I haven’t so far dreamt about him but want to . I want him back , and I can’t have him back ever .
Hi Karen- I also find the weekends extremely difficult. Everything you have said rings so true. If I did not have my children-I could not have made it thus far. Still-on the weekends they are with their family. I try to go to a mall and walk around. I find it hard to force myself to get out of the house. I have been in a bereavement group. It helps-the name of the group is The W Connection. Look it up online-it might help you a bit.