Hi everyone. I have woken again this morning to that awful dread, loneliness and despair that grief and bereavement has placed me in. I like going to bed to close my eyes and have some respite from the pain, hurt and torment but then the waking up always brings me back to reality and the thought of another day without my soulmate and best friend at my side. I absolutely HATE weekends. Dave and I always did something nice, especially on a Saturday - go out for the day or afternoon and/or have a meal out. Then the evening would be spent cuddled up watching a DVD or television. I have been going out on Saturdays but then I miss him not being with me so that has increased my pain and not worked. So, for the last two Saturdays I have stayed IN all day and watched television as I did all day yesterday. When the television wasn’t on the silence was DEAFENING.
A good friend phoned me and for an hour of chatting, my mind was occupied by conversation and I wasn’t lonely, then of course when the phone call ended I was back on my own again. I thought of all the people that were a great support when Dave first died and now they have dropped off and never call me. I thought of all the people that have families surrounding them and are busy being together and doing things when I have no close family anymore. I feel angry, bitter and resentful about all that.
To make matters even worse yesterday, the post brought a document prosecuting me for speeding (36 mph in a 30 mph road) which I incurred on my way to my bereavement support group on Thursday. I so wanted to tell Dave all about it and have him cuddle me and talk to me and share it but of course, Dave has gone and I had no one to tell yesterday. As they say ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. I have never been caught for speeding before and it seems a blow to have to endure when I am already suffering and struggling enough. It is something else to have to ‘deal with’ when I am already knocked down and feeling broken. Things seem so much harder to cope with when you are bereaved and problems seems magnified although in the grand scheme of things I guess a speeding fine is not a big issue. At the moment to me, it is though. The loneliness and despair of yesterday really brought it home to me how alone I now am in this world and how isolated and what a horrid feeling that is.
Today being Sunday, Dave and I would do little jobs around the house and sometimes go out for Sunday lunch. I face another day alone watching television as can’t face going out. The phone will probably remain silent. Most of my friends do things on Sundays with their families or other friends so not a good day for me to phone them.
I suppose I need to start doing things at weekends but what? I just can’t seem to get motivated and staying in the house seems easier. Yes, staying in is hard, yet going out alone is even harder especially when I see couples together. Sometimes I think that as time is going on it is getting harder because realisation has hit home that this is my life now and Dave has gone and is not coming back. On the 13th of this month, Dave will have been gone for 3 months.
Thank goodness for this forum. Just had to pour all this out. Take care everyone.