I lost my husband in the middle of August 2024. He was 62 and had had over a decade of living with Myeloma (a remitting/relapsing bone marrow cancer). It was a constant medical obstacle course, numerous different chemo regimes, two stem cell transplants and just so, so many related problems. He also had eye problems and had four detached retinas. We averaged 3 hospital appts a week, whilst still running our own business from home. We faced all the challenges as one.
He had been due to have another eye operation to save the sight in one eye, but the night before it he got a sepsis-like infection and died in hospital 5 days later. A shock, even given his ongoing health issues.
We don’t have children and no local family. I dealt with everything, funeral, paperwork, coping with the business etc. And then I had a new kitchen installed (he had planned it and we paid the deposit exactly a week before he died). I thought I was coping ok, then…
I was due to drive 300 miles down south to stay with my Mum today. I was all packed and ready then last night read an updated weather forecast showing fog all down the M6 till midday. I was so stressed by it I didn’t sleep at all and just broke down and realised I couldn’t do it, maybe even at all during the winter. My husband had barely driven for years, so I was our driver however much I dislike driving. Train/coach is complicated but I might try.
I feel so ashamed and pathetic. But now I feel like today is the first day I’ve really started grieving. It’s the first day I stayed in bed all morning and just cried. I miss him beyond what I can explain. He couldn’t do anything physical but he was my mental rock.
I am so sorry to hear what you are feeling. Dont be hard on yourself getting through one hour of one day is hard and we all wobble. I dont want to be on my own but dont want to take the plunge and go out either. The horrible truth is we wont find peace anywhere for a while. Stay strong xx
I can understand completely. Today I drove 140 miles to visit my mum. I left at 1045hrs and arrived 7 hours later due to major traffic jams caused by a coach fire, then an accident both on the M62, by then I’d lost the will to live. I also had to take my ancient dog as I can no longer leave her with anyone due to her frailty.
I’m so tired and thinking: Who will ever look after me? Nobody ever has, apart from S and now he’s gone.
It’s all so bloody hard isn’t it?
Time to take care of ourselves I think x
There is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not pathetic! You are a widow, going through the misery of being one. If you feel you can not make that long drive, then don’t do it. You owe no explanation. “I can’t” is enough and I find myself saying it a lot.
My husband was also quite ill for years before he died. It didn’t make his death any less painful and still shocked me into a state of numbness and fog. We think we will be prepared, but there is no such thing.
I am so sorry. If staying in bed and bawling your eyes out is what the day brings, then embrace it. Tomorrow is another day and you won’t stay there forever.
Thank you so much for that @PeachesDixon.
Part of me knows it would have been a sensible decision at any time not to tackle a long motorway trip in fog. But I was shell shocked by the emotional spiral from that to I can’t do it at all just now.
My Mum is fine about it. She’s the only person I know well who has lost a partner so she gets it.
It’s made me more vulnerable dealing with everyone else though.
Thankyou @Babs5
I already have frustrated friends lecturing me about getting out more. I’m not the really sociable type anyway and way less so just now. It’s only just 3 months.
You’re so brave to even contemplate the journey. My husband did most of the driving, and so I find myself having panic attacks before most trips. Actually, I have panic attacks when I think of the future without him. It’s not a life, just an existence . Im lucky that I have a great support network but I feel alone, lonely, I’m half a person without him. I lost my husband unexpectedly 6 weeks ago and my brother 4 weeks before that and I know it’s early days but honestly, who wants to wake up to this horrendous grief every day. I miss P so much
@Katy7
I am so sorry for your double loss, that is awful. A huge amount to cope with.
Yes I completely understand the half a person feeling. Some couples have that bond. I’ve described it as losing a siamese twin. We were so close, before his illness we were tandemists, we worked together, our business was our baby and it will not be long (maybe a year to wind down) and I will lose that too. No-one knows me like he did, or accepts me as I am. I feel I’m being pressured to be someone I’m not at the most difficult time of my life.
To be honest I don’t know what I was thinking agreeing to do the drive. I keep trying to do things because other people expect it and I’ve just realised that I need to stop and take things in my own time and way.
Take it steady, give yourself time and space. Talk out loud to your husband (I am doing this a lot) and ask for his support every morning. I find it best not to think too far ahead because as you say it is a worry from the perspective of now. I’m hoping it will gradually get easier.
x