My darling Dad recently passed away suddenly. He had been fit and healthy so his death was a complete shock. My elderly Mother, who had always assumed she would pass away before him (due to years of heart issues) is angry and has become completely consumed by grief. We his children, who are doing our best as deemed ‘hard’. We too are struggling but my Mother, who has always been difficult has turned into a demanding, petulant child. This sounds so uncaring but although we are supporting her all we can there is no acknowledgement we are grieving too. We are constantly walking on egg shells and now dread seeing or phoning her. No-one else has ever lost anyone it seems. Any advice would be so much appreciated
Sorry for your loss. Grief can make some people become self-absorbed. She probably doesn’t have much time left, given her age and health conditions, so you will probably just have to accept that she will never see that you and others are also grieving, and try and make the rest of her life as comfortable as possible, which I am sure you are already doing.
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Lucy, can I just say I’m sorry about the loss of your Dad. I won’t start to assume I can give you advice on what you should do, but I’d like to say this, your Mum will indeed be grieving the loss of your lovely Dad. It’s very early days, her pain may become easier to bear. when the time is right, be honest with her about how you are feeling too.
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I’d just shorten my visits and my conversations, until it feels less stressful. I’d also try and get the message through to her when she starts being hard work, by saying abruptly “I’ve got to go!”.
An honest chat might be needed, as some point. Perhaps, when things feel slightly less raw. It depends upon how demanding she is!
Take care.
I’m so sorry for your loss and how your mum is reacting to it all. I can’t relate to this, but the replies you’ve had are just lovely and I hope you know you’re not alone feeling like this.
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Hi Lucy - my heart goes out to you. I lost my wonderful Dad too from Covid this year. My mother has also always been difficult and is now becoming infinitely more so - focusing only on her own needs and problems. I am not saying that we are in the exact same situation, but your phrase “walking on eggshells” in particular made me want to reply to you with my experience. My sister and I have recently come to believe that our mother has an undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, something I have discussed with her psych doctor who believes it is quite possible. (She has also recently been diagnosed with dementia which will exaggerate the issues.)
We spent our young lives walking on eggshells around our mother so as not to trigger her rage; at this point in her life though her moods fluctuate enormously but in general she is just massively sorry for herself and talks frequently about wanting to die. Our own grief (which has been very delayed through meeting her needs) is simply not of interest to her.
It might be worth researching Cluster B disorders like Narcissistic or Borderline. There are some good books out there. Even if your Mum isn’t actually suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder, you may find some of the techniques used for dealing with them helpful. At the very least keep repeating to yourself the three Cs: we didn’t Cause it, we can’t Cure it, we can’t Control it. Since I have accepted that there is nothing I can ever really do to make my mother happy - and since her doctor confirmed to me that she may never in fact be happy again because of her mental illness and disorder - it is actually a weight off my mind.
You must take care of yourselves and your own grief. Beyond making sure your mother is safe and cared for, you are not responsible for her ongoing sadness. If she cannot learn to process her grief and to self soothe then she will have to remain sad.
Sending hugs xx
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Thank you so much for your message. Your advice is greatly appreciated and I will definitely read up on Cluster B disorder. I had a ‘light bulb’ moment reading your experience! I will also remind myself of the 3 C’s going forward. Sincere thanks
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