I was surprised by how a few days adding up to almost a week had gone by without having a grief attack. Some days I felt the wave coming but was able to contain it. Then today my husband’s absence hit me so hard that the grief was too much to handle. It seems as if having good days is counter productive because once the sadness returns it’s difficult to manage. There’s a desperation, a longing to see him anywhere in the house where he would spend time, a desire to wish so hard that he will manifest physically by sheer will power. If not for this forum of grievers who understand the magnitude of this type of loss it would be crippling to keep the thoughts inside. And I don’t want to be in pain but I can’t help it. 15 weeks in hell and counting…
I completely relate to what you have written here and understand how hard it is to walk on this hideous path.
I’ve had a really tough summer and was relieved to have a few days last week when the load felt a bit lighter, but it’s returned full throttle and it feels all consuming again.
The pain, sadness, longing and sense of loss of everything is so hard to bear.
Just one day at a time is all we can do for now.
Look after yourself and keep posting here if it helps. Lots of support and kindness available from people who understand.
Sending love and strength to you xxx
I get some of this. I have a massive crash everytime i do somthing nice eg go to a gig despite knowing she’d be pleased i was going out. Maybe it’s because I’d always tell her when i was home and about the event and now i can’t. I find this forum/community really helpful. There’s no pattern or time limit on grief - I’m 5 months in. It bites you when you don’t expect it. Take care and remember we’re here.
@Viajera i felt exactly the same. Over the weekend I felt just a little bit better. I had a nice day out with friends on Saturday, but then I was absolutely floored. I found our wedding anniversary cards from last year, and it sank me. The peaks and troughs are so hard to deal with.
I had a great day on Saturday. Barbeque with friends in the afternoon. Then out at a local pub with more friends to see a band. We had a laugh, but as soon as I got home and locked my front door I totally lost it. Others have no idea what we are going through.
If only we could get together for a good cry but we support each other thanks to this online community 
. I thought I was a terrible griever and my sibling has been very judgemental of my mourning. But thanks to people like you I know this is NORMAL. And thousands more feel the same way we do.
Everyone’s grief is different. My sister and i are handling it very differently. We haven’t always got on but luckily in dealing with mum we’ve been on the same page. Do what’s right for you.