I know many of us who have lost the people we love the most are struggling. I know I am and I thought I was doing well. I write to him in my journal - but today I wanted to share my letter to him with you on here.
My Darling Man
I missed you before but now I miss you even more, this strange world without you is so hard to face. I find myself sometimes reaching out at night and feel I can touch you, but my hand feels nothing warm, just an empty space. I think how different this world of isolation would be, if only you were here to cuddle me and hold me tight. I constantly think of how we would have spent these days, cooking, playing games, watching tv - or sitting in the garden talking until late. The weather is kind and so the beauty of nature is becoming more evident as pollution diminishes and wildlife is reborn - I saw a blue butterfly today and a robin so tame that came so close while I worked. And I thought back and cried a little as I remembered sitting under those trees with you on a hot summer’s day - and how you would softly play your guitar. Music was so much a part of you - and is why I cannot listen to music yet - it still hurts too much. It is almost a year you have been gone -but time really does not have much meaning.
The sun on the spring flowers, the clear blue sky, the birds in the trees how you would have loved this gentle time of togetherness. And now because I have all this time alone the hurt which never really went away is strong again. The loneliness which I have dealt with by keeping busy lingers there all the time waiting in the shadows of my solitude. Oh how hard this is - I look for you constantly -I keep turning to tell you something. I look for signs that you are here - and I find them - but I want you back as you were, funny and loving, caring and kind. I had you by my side for 40 years - and I loved you with all my heart and I still do. I know you loved me too - you were always the romantic one -and me the practical one - but we laughed - we laughed every day. We were meant to be together -just the forever was not long enough. I know you would worry about me and fret you are not here to look after me - and I can almost feel your hand on mine and hear your words of encouragement. For I am strong and will be strong for our children who were our world. I chat to friends who understand and make a list to keep me busy, but I miss you so much you wonderful man - I hope you know that. I will get through this one day at a time - just like the very early days of my grief. I want to remember everything - but our memories were so intertwined I am not sure I can - when we used to reminisce the bits I had forgotten you filled in and visa versa. You were part of me - you still are part of me - but without you here I am not complete. Please help keep us safe in these terrible times my love xx
I know many of you will understand. Stay safe and remember those we loved and who we have lost are looking over us xxx
Dear TrishaF, thank you for sharing your truly lovely letter. Heartbreaking but uplifting as well. You have put into words what so many of us are thinking. Xxx
I can only echo jobar’s words.
I am truly moved by your words of love.
Thank you for sharing your words of love.
MaryL x x x
very beautiful letter,the love you had for each other shines through, with every word and sentence you shared with us. I just wish me and Jayne had children that I could of tried to stay strong for.thank you for sharing.
stay safe and hope you and your family get through this,lockdown scenario.
im one of the saddos that doesnt mind what happens to myself,but self isolating because
I dont want to be responsible for passing this dreaded virus onto any one.
again thank you for sharing your beautiful worded message to your beloved man.xx
Dear Mary, Jobar and Ian
Thank you for your kind words. I have kept myself so busy since Gary died as I found distraction was the only way I could cope. Suddenly to have to find things to do is hard. But I am not alone in this and I know you all miss your partners so much too - and nothing prepares us for this loss. It is so different to other grief - I cannot compare it to losing my parents. Everything that was normal is no longer there.
Yes I am lucky to have my wonderful children and good friends to keep me strong and I know I would find it so much harder without them.
Take care all xx
Dear Trisha, may I ask if you had or were offered grief counselling after your husband died or did you turn to your family and friends for support? I found your letter deeply moving as it seemed to capture what is going on in my own chaotic thoughts at the moment. It is six months since my husband died suddenly and I am really struggling to explain to friends and family why I have retreated further into my grief. Did you start writing when Gary first died or is it something that you have felt more able to do in subsequent months. I understand how difficult it is to find distractions at the moment but I am so grateful that you wrote that letter and shared it. Xxx
I too lost Gary suddenly - no warning - we came home from work to find him way too late to do anything - my only consolation was that they said he would not have known anything about it - no pain - just his heart stopped - but I felt so guilty he was on his own. He had had a heart attack when he was only 37 - and nearly died then so we got another 23 years together - but this was not a heart attack - so my first concern was if he had known what was happening and would he have been in pain. But I was reassured he would not have known anything.
I was offered grief counselling by my company and my dr - but she said they do not usually offer it in the first six months as it is more beneficial after
six months. To be honest I felt that counselling would have not benefited me really. It was friends I found through this site that have been my counsellors. One lady I talk to every day for at least an hour and sometimes more - and Iike to think that we prop each other up. Our conversations have ranged over many things - sometimes very funny - but we pick each other up when needed. The other lady who lives locally to me - under normal circumstances I meet for coffee or lunch on a weekly basis - but now we mainly message or sometimes facetime. Again I believe we support each other. These ladies know exactly how I feel as they feel the same. And one more friend who messages too - and again she and I have that connection and another that I exchange long emails with. And counselling is just talking really isn’t it ? So they are my counsellors and I am theirs.
I started writing to him daily within the first week - I felt I needed to tell him things - those early days I wrote every day - and if I try and read it back now - it is almost illegible - but from the bits I do read I can see how far I have come. I have filled a whole book - and am just about to start a new one . I write like I am talking to him at the end of the day - telling him my worries, that I miss him and love him and thank him for the signs - like the robin and the white feathers. In the early days I barely knew how to get through the days - I kept lists of things to do . I even wrote down things like load the dishwasher, hang the washing out. But just ticking these things off made me realise I was coping - not living and there was no joy -but coping. Even now I cannot think about the future without him - that is when I lose it. So I file it away and take a day at a time. Never thinking beyond the end of the day. I went back to work after three months and the routine helped - another reason why I am struggling is being on furlough I have to find things to do.
I have some really good friends and my best friend was devastated -she had known him almost as long as I and is more like a sister - so we can cry together. Initially I talked to the children a lot - and I am lucky enough to have my daughter living with me. But she has her own life and she must live it . I still cry with them sometimes but not so often. Other than my children I do not have any family. Gary and I were both only children and no parents left. But my close friends I think are better than some families. I think I am lucky with them. I am still me - I can still laugh - and now I can talk about some of our shared memories - the ones long ago like the photos are easier to deal with - the 60 year old Gary had moved on from the 20 year old one. Just like me.
People on the site are in varying stages of grief - and we all cope differently but this site has been invaluable to me and I am so grateful for the friends I have made through it. I am happy to talk if you would like to - if so I can private message you my number.
Today I am being 5 … and making a birthday card for my daughter. She will be 25 on saturday - no party this year. Today I feel stronger than yesterday - but that is how it goes. Another wave will no doubt sweep in soon and knock me sideways again.
Thank you for your reply, I agree with the others who have responded.
It is truly awful without our loved ones, like you, I have friends and family who are giving their support, which is uplifting, yet nothing will ever be the same without our loved ones.
Stay safe from this evil virus.
Mxry x x x x
wow just beautiful thank you for sharing that with us sending love x
As I read your letter I cried
I cried because your words were beautiful and I cried for your pain
I cried for me - because I would have written exactly the same as I feel exactly what you wrote and i cried for my loss, for my devastating loss
That letter is beautiful. Feel the same. No more to say xx
Dear Trisha just like sadie I cried so much reading your letter it is beautiful so heart felt and so much how I’m feeling but could never put into words, the love you two have shines through your words ,
I am so lost without my roger and your letter did lift me up and helped me so much
Hi Trisha, I think your letter resonates with everyone on here, it’s beautiful, we all feel the same. Also when you said, about counselling, you’re so right, talking to people on here is counselling anyway, but much better as we’ve all been through the same, a counsellor just say things by the book and probably never experienced
Hi everyone, I knew as soon as I read Trish’s letter that it would have a profound impact on many of us on this site. It manages to convey so many emotions that I, for one, feel but struggle to put into words. even someone who hasn’t been bereaved couldn’t fail to be moved.
It draws us all together when we all feel so alone.
Thinking of you all
Hi Jobar, I couldn’t agree more. We shouldn’t feel alone, as everyone on this site is helping each other with the same thoughts and feelings
Thank you everyone x
Hi Steph, I think finding this site has been my saviour. The reason I asked Trish about counselling is that I have felt pressure from the word go to seek it but was wary of talking to someone who had been trained rather experienced grief. I now know that it’s absolutely impossible to understand the totality of devastation that grief brings unless it has been experienced. I wondered if the ability to write so fluently had been suggested or an instinctive need. It’s so helpful to exchange thoughts and feelings with others who truly get where we’re coming from. I am lucky to have found you all. Take care.
I’ve also been told or pushed to go for counselling, but I’ve never liked the idea , I’m not that sort of person to go and sit and talk to someone, like you say , have just been trained and maybe not have experienced the ‘real thing’ . Also my dr said if I feel I need it, it’s best to wait 6 months after loss . You and me are both at the 6 month point, and I still think I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Coming on here I think is one hundred percent the best counselling we could get.
I also am so grateful I found this site, I’m always on and off through the day and it helps so much.
We would all be so lost.
Thank you everyone, x
Hi Stephtim- I went to counselling and for me it was helpful.
I have a couple friends to whom I spoke/speak to about how I feel and they were/are there for me - however is they have their lives and their problems and I feel that it is just so much a friend can take
I have a very supportive family - 4 kids that are living and caring - they have lost their dad, they are also mourning and although we all talk a lot about Jack and how we feel without him , I don’t want to burden them with my lows and to be honest I don’t think they truly understand the extent of my void ( as I couldn’t before Jack died).
They were very close to their dad, they miss him but their lives has not turned upside down, they haven’t lost half of them as I do and they don’t feel incomplete as I do
All I am saying don’t dismiss counselling - try a couple sessions - what do you have to loose?
Hi everyone, I feel I have usurped Trish’s original post which we have all found so moving and diverged into counselling. I am in danger of being so wrapped up in my own despair that I am seeking solace without being able to offer it in return. I am going to start a new thread in the hope of exchanging views on specific types of counselling in addition to this wonderful site. Thank you all.
Yes you’re right it’s so easy to slip into another subject, the letter is so moving, don’t want to steer away from it x