A little advice needed please.

Hi I’m a newbie here but needing support. My husband has been diagnosed with cancer - pancreas lungs and liver. His prognosis isn’t good and is on chemo at the moment. As you’d expect he isn’t coping with it too well which is to be expected but I’m finding it so hard to cope with the moods and the anger. I’m feeling as if I’m walking on egg shells constantly. I don’t want our last few months together to be like this - has anyone been through or is going through the same type of thing. Thanks in advance- Jude

Sometimes people find it easier to show and be angry than show other emotions like fear and sadness.

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What dreadful news for you both. I am so sorry. Your poor husband will be terrified, about what is to come. His anger and moods aren’t directed at you, I am sure. He just needs an outlet for his fears and you are the one who’s there.
My advice probably won’t be what you want to hear, but I will say it anyway. I think you need to try not to be scared of him. Underneath it all is the husband who loves you, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. When things blow up, keep calm, be loving if you can, even if you are angry, hurt and frustrated. Put yourself in his place. How would you like him to treat you if your places were reversed? I can understand that you feel that you are treading on eggshells. Can to talk to him about this in one of his calmer times?
Given his problems, he is not going to be around for ever and when he has gone, you won’t want to be berating yourself for being less than kind.
I realise that this probably isn’t the answer you are looking for, but I know that anger is never cooled by an angry response.
My thoughts are with you, and I really do sympathise.

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Hi. I understand totally what you are going through. My husband was diagnosed with liver cancer March 19. We were told that we were lucky as it was caught early and they could operate and removed the tumour. We were sent to a specialist and then had to wait over 12 weeks for a date in June 19. Upon arriving at the hospital the night before (after a 2hr journey) we were told they had cancelled it 2 days before as the tumour had grown too large to remove it. He then had TACE which made no difference so then left with tablets to try. The cancer has since spread to lungs.We always knew it was untreatable, but 3 weeks ago was told that the lung cancer was very rapidly growing and there was no other treatment available. Since then he has been so angry at me, our teenage children and anyone on the tv! He is deteriorating rapidly and sleeping most of the time, which is when there is peace. My eldest always seems to get the brunt of his anger and frustration. With Covid everyone is at home. He struggles with breath, but still manages to argue and shout at us all. I’m afraid I’m not very good at remaining calm and loving when he’s in a temper, and I often shout back.I know I shouldn’t say it but there is a part of me that will feel relieved when he’s at peace. He is only 52. I lost my dad to liver cancer when I was 21and he was only 54. I would like to give you some suggestions but I know how hard it is to live with an angry person, name calling and general outbursts about anything. I have started listening to classical music to relax, with headphones of course! It blocks out the noise too…
nothing prepares you for what they call living grieving, I know my husband, soul mate and best friend left me a while ago. I’m here if you want to moan, and release some frustrations. When I’m looking after him I feel that’s the time I can show my love for him, even if I’m not taking his socks off right. Xx take care, thoughts are with you

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I lost my husband on Christmas Eve 2020, in mid November he started to get angry and moody. My husband had been ill, I was extremely worried and when I asked him what was wrong he would only say, “its nothing for you to worry about”. I could see he was scared and try as I might he would not say nothing further on the matter. This made me scared I knew something was wrong, I could feel it, but I could get no answers from anyone, not even our GP. This caused a bit of tension and I had to start calling his bluff to calm him down. I now feel guilty for not letting his anger and moods go over my head.

I have since learnt he knew how seriously ill he was and being the loving, caring man he was with old fashioned values, he chose not to tell me. He told our GP he was worried for me, which was like him, he believed men had to protect their wife and children, he did that in his own way till the day he died.

Your in my thought and prayers. xx

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Thank you for your thoughts appreciated x

Thank you and yes your words are very true. I do try to be patient and will try harder!!

Good luck. It will be hard but you can do it! He loves you and you love him. That counts for a lot X

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Hi judith1959

Men for some reason prefer realise their feelings in the form of anger.
They prefer to be quiet instead crying or they probably dont say it because dont want to be seen weak.
It is hard deal with the burt of anger, but difficult is to know what to say.
Maybe you could write here about your journey with him, it might help you to realise your stress.

You wrote in January how are you doing

Dear Judith,
We ‘spoke’ in January. Just wondered how things are now. I hope you are coping. X

Hi Devi
You might want to send your message to Judith, as you accidentally sent it to me!

Hi Ann
Thankfully Ed is still with me and I’ve taken on board a lot of the advice given mainly don’t take things personally. When we have a chemo free week he is just about back to his old self it’s when he has chemo we have bad weeks. I tend to now think - don’t react this is the chemo effect. We have been luckier than other I met a girl last week whose dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he only lived for 2 months. We are now into month 8 so a lot to be thankful for and also trying to control my feelings of being robbed of a nice retirement! Lovely speaking to you x

Hi Judith,
You sound a little less frantic than you did in January. Also, things sound a bit more manageable. It’s still a horrible situation to be in though. I admire you for how you are dealing with this. Do keep in touch.
Hugs, Ann x

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