A little Perspective...

Right from the start, this forum made me open my eyes, and realize how many people are going through this. On a more “impersonal” level, I can see how many have had greater losses to bear than others, and my heart goes out to them and their pain. It doesn’t bring me comfort, but it does bring me back to reality. It does make me stop and think - life & death are always with us, surrounding us in a myriad of ways. My grief is overwhelmingly personal - and I would never compare it to the grief of another. At the same time, my grief brings me a new compassion for others that are grieving.


Hi Pattidot
I have always believed that through pain, heartbreak and suffering we find love on a deeper level (or it finds us).
I never really understood this in reality, even though I believed it, until I actually suffered my own personal loss. It’s when we reach out to others that we start to connect to life again because when we lose someone we love dearly we feel an isolation that temporarily disconnects us from the world we once knew into one that for us has forever changed. I never in a million years thought I would be posting messages on a bereavement site but it just goes to show how much we all need to feel a sense of belonging in this world and a desire to bond with others to stay connected. Human nature above all life experiences is about survival xx

1 Like

Dearest Lyn, you never fail to amaze me. The words you write are truly from the heart and dare I say, beautiful. Pat, Rainbow and Heather, I enjoyed reading your posts too because all of you just get it. Love and hugs to you all xx


What is everybody up to this weekend?

I have decided to visit the crematorium on Sunday where dad’s ashes are as I haven’t been for a while. His stone memorial is in a beautiful setting by a lake surrounded by woodland and underneath a lovely oak tree next to a bench but I still find it totally bewildering to see his name on a stone looking up at me like he only existed a long time ago in a different world even though it’s only been 19mths. It feels like I am in a Time Warp…anyone else feel this strangeness?

Absolutely Lyn. My husband is in our local church cemetery surrounded by trees. Many of the graves around are people he would have known. I have placed a bench close by and all I can hear is birds singing. It really is so peaceful. However, after placing fresh flowers I always take a step back and look at his headstone. It’s completely surreal. I read the words and feel quite puzzled. Surely it can’t be my husband! It’s bizarre. I must say too that I don’t feel close to him there, I only go because I like to see it looking nice. It’s a memorial, nothing more. Xx

I definatly understand what u mean. I dont go to my mums grave very often, as its so difficult to imagine her there.

1 Like

Oh Kate! I could have written that. It’s exactly what happens to me. My wife is buried in our local churchyard a few minutes away. I can see the church tower from my window.
I went there a few days ago. I look at the grave and nothing registers. No pain just a kind of numbness. We used to walk round the cemetery often so you would think there would be some reaction.
Yes, just a memorial. That’s all it is. I think it’s because they are not there. Well, I know they aren’t. I too feel closer at home.
Bizarre is not strong enough. It’s downright strange. Oh well, another little facet of this strange affair called grief. Thank you Kate and Bless you. XX

1 Like

Hi, Thanks, you have all helped me to make a decision. Brian is in a local cemetery with his grandparents. His ashes were put inside their grave. There are no more burials in this area. I couldn’t have his name there as it’s not allowed anymore. I was upset about this but now I have decided that perhaps it’s for the best. Do I want to be reminded. Do I really want to see his name there. No, I don’t think so. I will keep the area nice and make sure he has fresh flowers though.

Pat xx

1 Like

Hi Pattidot
That’s good that people have helped you arrive at a decision that best represents what you believe and what feels right.
I am a spiritual person so my belief is only the physical body leaves this Earth and that the spirit of the person lives on. They just walk through another door and continue on their next journey. Funerals, burials, memorials, etc are time honoured traditions that we follow. I too, as stated in my post visit the crematorium but in my heart I know my dad is not there and I don’t feel close to him. Our grief brains have universally been wired to follow a time honoured process but our hearts do not always agree.
A lot of people however do visit cemeteries and gain comfort, I personally think it’s about finding a space or place which is special to us and our loved one’s and where we treasure the reflections of time and memories that bring us closer to them in our own way.
I too visit as a mark of respect to a time honoured tradition and to make sure the area is kept nice but my heart and my dad’s certainly doesn’t relate to a cemetery xx


An old friend, who is an undertaker, offered to care for Che’s body. He said “He deserves to be cared for by someone who loves him. I want to do this for you .” He knew that money was tight for me, and did this for free. He drove 300 miles in a company vehicle to pick him up and take him back down to the coast. He asked if it was okay if he took the long, back way home past their old hunting spots…said he’d have a good conversation with him…Said that he would bring his ashes back to me …I’m still overwhelmed by this gesture of love & respect…My Che was an avid hunter and fisherman all his life, and he taught me a profound respect and love of nature. He wanted his ashes sprinkled on a deer trail so I will be doing that someday in the near future…

Kate, as usual you give a us a chance to stop and reflect and I was struck by the words of the woman who lost her husband on the terrible attack on the twin towers. I know NY very well, had a favourite restaurant there. Was always busy with people who worked on the Financial District. I went the following year and paid my respects to those lost their lives and those who lost their loved ones. It has never left me and yes, I have drawn on my experience of NY as I deal with my life after loss. Jimmy never wanted to go to NY but for some reason the year before he died he said he would go with me. He didn’t get that chance. But I will go and he will be right there with me as he always will be x