I recently read a story in ‘AfterTalk’ and I felt absolutely desperate for the lady who had been in a fatal car accident. The accident took the lives of her two young daughters, ages 6 and 8, it left her surviving teenage daughter a paraplegic and her husband wheelchair bound. That poor, poor lady. How does she have the strength to face each day? Does caring for her two remaining loved ones provide her with the strength she needs?
We all need some perspective and that’s not to diminish our own losses, nothing can ever do that and this story probably won’t help those in the first throes of bereavement. But to so someone such as myself, two years along, it has certainly provided me with some perspective. The story has had a profound effect on me and I can shift this lady, this wife and mother, from my mind. I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you but you are the people I felt who could perhaps have some understanding.
Oh yes Kate. I understand. My old grandad used to say, ‘if you look hard enough you will always find someone worse off than you’. Whether it be health or anything else it’s true.
That story is heartbreaking, it really is. How do you cope with that? I’m not surprised you can’t forget it. I doubt any of us, bereaved as we are, can possibly imagine that women’s pain. I know it may not diminish our own grief, but as you say, it does put things into perspective. Thanks Kate, a sad story, but perhaps one we need to think about.
Thanks Jonathan, I knew you would understand. I was a little worried about posting for fear of offending. I guess the need was more mine really with regards to sharing. Xx
I too understand Kate. I’m pleased you put this message up. My darling wife died aged 71yrs. of pancreatic cancer but as she told me earlier " I’ve had my three score years and ten." ( Apparently a biblical quotation ?) although Anne wasn’t religious. Some poor souls pass so young or in tragic circumstances. Goodness knows how there love ones deal with it! It certainly puts things into perspective when one hears of the tragic story you told us.
Love and Light.
Geoff
I will never forget a BBC news report where they were talking to and telling the story of a man in Syria that had just lost his wife, his five kids and his house to a missile. He had nothing left. Some stories just stick and won’t go away.
Hope you don’t mind me bringing this up again but yet again I think we might need reminding.
Last night on the news, yet again fighting and bombing. I came in where a man had lost his wife, 6 yr old daughter, mother and sister as well as his house. He had no where to go and no food. How do people manage to live through such tragedy. It makes me ashamed when I have a ‘feeling sorry for myself moment’.
Pat xx
Dear Pat, I absolutely agree. So much tragedy in the world. However, even you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself. Although not on the same scale as the story you mention or indeed the one I and YL mentioned, our losses are still massive and life changing. A little perspective… thanks Pat. Much love xx
I sympathise and empathise with everyone who has lost someone, child, parent, partner, sibling, entire family as in so many tragedies.
I don’t feel sorry for myself but it’s not a contest of " whose loss is the worst " .
Each loss is so personal and looking at others who’ve suffered multiple losses brings me no comfort at all.
My loss has destroyed me and the rest of my life.
That’s not self pity that’s a fact I live with every day and sleepless night.
Whatever and wherever your loss I wish you well. J
All loss whatever shape or form it comes in, is ‘trauma’ to those who are grieving but totally agree with Kate there is always perspective to be had on loss. A saying springs to mind ‘there for the grace of God go I’. Even amongst our own individual grief what it teaches us is a deeper compassion for others who also experience loss.
I have a friend whose son was brutally murdered in Thailand in 2014 and was (still is) a high profile case on a world stage as the 2 suspects have been sentenced to death. (It’s a long story but we found each other through compassion) I can’t comprehend her losing a son in these circumstances and yet she still has the ability to support me with my own loss and we say to each other that regardless of the differences, we still feel the same pain, the same heartbreak and go through the same journey of grieving. The importance of our friendship is we have supported each other through it because an emotion equals an emotion, pain is pain, heartbreak is heartbreak. It doesn’t differ. I have supported her through year’s of trials and she has supported me through loss of my family. We cry, we laugh, we rage and we reflect. We have never met but we are still here for each other 5 years later. We bleed the same blood
PS for anyone interested it was the murder of David Miller and Hannah Witheridge in Koh Tao Thailand in 2014. This has become a huge part of my life since that day and David’s mum and I have become friends over the years through this tragedy and huge world media circus and death sentence but we are just 2 women with 2 hearts full of love and compassion and there for each other.
Also please be careful if you Google it because Thailand is very different and their are graphic photo’s still circulating of their caved in faces which is really horrific
DaleJackie, I understand this so well. I’ve lost count of so called “friends” who’ve said things like “it could have been worse” or “did you see that story in the paper last week?” .
Nothing could be worse for me than what’s happened. I’m sorry for anyone who’s grieving but I won’t diminish the pain of my bereavement by comparing it to others. Sadme
Sadme
I don’t think anyone can or would diminish anyone’s loss or compare it, as only we as individuals feel what we feel. Loss is unique and individual to everyone who sadly goes through it but what I believe Kate is saying, is about the scale of loss, i.e it’s heartbreaking as it is losing one person you love let alone 2, 3, 4 or more
Hi Guys
I wanted to comment on this post , I have lost 5 people in 5 months inc my father and my hubby. The grief I have felt has been for each individual in various degrees of intensity, my husbands death impacted on me more than my fathers, I do believe that it is the person left behind and how they are able to cope determines the impact wether that be one death or more. I don’t feel that the loss of 5 has any more impact or devastation then the loss of one , grief is so individual. X
Can I just say, as I said in my original post, that perspective can never diminish anyone else’s loss, nor should it. The loss of my wonderful man is massive, it’s bigger than the world itself and it never lessens. Perspective isn’t about comparing but it is food for thought. Two years on and I find it good for my mind to have other things to think about. Only yesterday I was reading about people’s losses from the Twin Towers and I quote one lady who lost her husband:
“Through the pain of our grief, we discovered strength we didn’t know we possessed, learned to appreciate the gifts of life and have empathy for others. We were awakened into life by death… In my longing to be with Arron, willing him to exist in some new form, I lost my fear of death - something I’ve come to see as the unexpected gift of grief - a lack of fear that unmasks an entirely new universe of possibility…”
I can relate to that lady very much. Never meaning to offend and I apologise for any misunderstanding, but I still think a little perspective can be helpful. Please note, I say helpful, not comforting. I could never find comfort in somebody else’s loss…xx
Hi Kate
I understood what you meant.
Loss is universal and as we are all part of this universe then why would we not share a perspective on all grief and those that suffer. It’s called compassion not comparison and although we all hurt individually our hearts are big enough and have the capacity to see outside our own world of grief.
That’s why we are on a forum like this isn’t? To gain perspective?
xxx
I agree that a little perspective can be helpful. It’s why I’ve had the need to share my story and to see things through other’s eyes, step into their shoes for a little while, so to speak. I don’t do deep thinking anymore…it’s doesn’t get me anywhere good. However, I certainly need a bit of grounding now and again…with kindred spirits…a loss is a loss and has to be borne. Wishing everyone a healthy piece of peace today, x
Lyn, what an inspirational story of two brave ladies suffering their own grief yet giving each other loving support.
I now know that I have never understood the true meaning of what people suffer in losing a loved one. I have never been what I would call a supportive person. Not because I am an uncaring person but I just didn’t understand. I hope that now I do understand the true meaning of compassion and support because of my own loss, however a hard lesson it has been and still is, I can feel the pain of others.
I would hope that I would now be able to be as compassionate as you two ladies.
God bless you both.