It’s been just over 3 months and the world it seems has moved on while I feel like im stuck there in that day my life ended.
I just went back to work, only a couple days a week for now but im back there. I go in, makeup on, hair brushed, fake smile. They say “you look well”, they try to crack a few jokes and suddenly it’s all normal again but it’s not. He isn’t here anymore. No one sees me go back to our empty home, walk through the smashed up, boarded up door that I can barely fit myself through. They don’t see me say im home to the husband i’ve lost or watch me place my belongings carefully by his so not to accidently move them from how he left them.
I slept away the last 3 days, only waking to take my pills. I spent last night throwing up in the bathroom and instead of the pain running through my mind all i could think was how i felt so alone. How i couldn’t call for him, how he couldn’t take care of me anymore. Lately i walk around like a ghost. Im doing things but my mind is not really there. I feel like im dead inside but being forced to live out this life. It’s a horrible thing to be alive but not feel like im living.
I’m so sorry that life is feeling pointless.
No doubt your partner wouldn’t want you to be suffering so much. Have you a family that can listen and support you? Getting back to some sort of routine does focus the mind elsewhere and seems part of the healing our hearts need. I meditate using an app called Headspace- you might find it useful.
Lots of people are on this site and they will know your pain. Thinking of you. Big hugs
Sultana such an awful time for you. I have no words apart from I’m sorry for your tragic loss. So so young to lose the love of your life. Life is too cruel. It’s not fair.
Hi sultana
Like the others, I am so sorry for your loss and often wonder how you are since you first posted about your husband.
Can i ask why your door is smashed up and boarded up and if there is anyone to help you sort it out?
Cheryl x
Sultana, You are not alone. Keep posting and keep talking on here. We understand how dreadful it is to loose a loved one. With time things will improve.
Can anyone help you fix the door?
Hi,
I have family but even they don’t really understand. They say all the common things, what people are meant to say but it’s almost like they don’t really see. They’re looking at me but not seeing.
Hi Cheryl,
It’s been an absolute nightmare. There are no good days, just ok ones where im completely indenial and bad ones when it sinks in.
Our door was smashed in by the police. I wasn’t home at the time when he passed, and as soon as the police were called they didn’t waste time waiting to see if he was home alone, he was meant to be. The circumstances surrounding his death is suspicious considering he was so young and healthy and had so many plans so it is now in inquest which makes the whole thing even worse. I have people gossiping about what they believe happened and it’s all just bullshit. Unfortunately the door is a particular type of fire door with a particular type of lock so the company that owns our building need to fix it, i have to wait on them and their contractors. I can just about fit myself through the door and nothing else, even if i have a bag on me it will need to go through before i do. It’s a shit feeling as well when your neighbours just stare, i see them stare at me as i come in or leave and stare at my door when they go past. I’ve become one of those people that if i hear sound outside in the corridor i jump out of my skin and look through the keyhole. Not great when you see people looking back just eyeing up the damage.
“I wasn’t home when he had his accident”… sorry i say passed because he wasn’t awake after that. They told me the people who found him said he looked like a man taking his last breaths. Is it horrible im glad i didn’t see that? That i didn’t see him that way.
Hi Sultana, it sounds like you could really do with some support and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
Sue Ryder also offers online bereavement counselling. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. Find out more and register: https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling
Take care,
Mick
Online Community team
Hi sultana,
No, it’s good you didnt see him like that. When I was told my mum was in a deep coma i chose not to see her. I sat in the relatives room until she died. Sometimes I feel awful and regret it but most of the time I am pleased. I just didnt want my last memories to be of mum in that way, as I’m sure you dont of your husband.
I hope you sort the door soon. I wouldn’t worry about the neighbours. The door was smashed in to try and save life not for a drugs raid.
I hope the inquest goes ok and you get some answers. Did the post mortem provide any help?
Cheryl x
Hi Cheryl,
Post mortem wasn’t very helpful. They could say what ultimately killed him but there’s no actual answer yet as to what happened that night, just guesses.
I spent the whole time with him at the hospital that i was able to and i thought seeing him with pipes everywhere and hooked up to all these machines was horrific. I can’t even imagine, i don’t to imagine how he looked when he was first found. If there was one thing in all of this nightmare that gave me something positive it’s that when his body was finally released he was smiling. On the day of the funeral he was actually smiling. I thought i was going crazy but other people saw it too. He was smiling just as he always did, skin glowing. Atleast for me that was the way i got to see him for the very last time, not hooked up to machines but smiling like he was at peace.
That’s some consolation at least x
What i would do to hear him laugh again or to have him tease me or watch him dance around… we were two adults who had fun like 2 little kids. If i could compare him to any kind of character it would be Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. He was loud, confident, happy, bouncing around everywhere. You couldn’t be around him and not smile, he was contagious.
What lovely memories you have. Life is very fragile and very cruel sultana x
Hi Sultana
Everything you’ve said rings so true with me. It’s been just over 2 years since I lost Clive and I still haven’t been able to move his things from where he left them - his coat and shoes are still where he put them after the last time we went out, the magazines he was reading are still on the floor by the bed (I’ve been hoovering around them for 2 years!) and his beer is still in the fridge These are the things that constantly remind me that he was here, that we shared a life and a home.
But (and its a big But), I have, finally, started, in very small ways, to build a new life. It’s a long slow process because every step I take forward feels like a betrayal of everything we had together - how dare I go on to find peace and solace in things that dont include him! Every day I wake up and try to work out if I’m a day further away from him or a day closer to being with him again - I really don’t know the answer to that, all I know is that I have to go on, it’s not what I wanted but it’s what I’m left with so I try to include him in everything I do. If I go on holiday, I imagine that he’s seeing everything through my eyes, when I learn a new song on the guitar, it’s one of his favourites and I sing to him as I play (it’s a good thing he can hear me because I can’t carry a tune in a bucket!) and in these small ways, I feel that I’m carrying him forward into the future with me.
I know it doesn’t seem possible to you now, but you will learn to live with the grief. It doesn’t go away but there will be days when you find some peace, even a little joy, when you’ll be able to look at a memory of him without it tearing you apart.
It’s a long and painful path but you’re not alone, we’re all walking it with you and will help as much as we can.
Hugs
Sky
Hi Sky,
I have kept a pack of chocolate pretzels in the fridge that he bought the last day in our home. I wont let anyone touch it, i wouldn’t let anyone even turn off the switch to the kettle for a while. Muz used to have a habit of forgetting to turn switches off after he used something, i had to always follow after him making sure they were off. But when i came home after everything had happened and saw he left that kettle switch on i couldn’t bare the thought of it being turned off for so long. I wouldn’t even fold away his shirts from his half done laundry. Unfortunately in regards to that i wasn’t given time to do it myself, some decided to take it upon themeselves to take over and tidy things away without asking me. Then somehow managed to say to me in the first week “you need to start thinking about donating his stuff”… ummmm no. 3 months later i still haven’t even moved his toothbrush so no.
I know what you mean when you say it’s hard to take a step without feeling like you’ve betrayed what you had. There’s so much i wont do or don’t want to do because i don’t like the idea of making new memories that he wasn’t around for, living a life he never got to be a part of. Even the idea of getting older, back where i never cared now it’s like i don’t want to move forward without him. I almost want to freeze myself in this time, maybe it’s a way of clinging on to him.
One thing I’m learning is the he is around when you make your new memories. I’ve been on a couple of holidays in the last 2 years and, when I look back at those memories, Clive is with me - it’s hard to explain, but I can hear his voice in my head commenting on where I went and what I did and the dry little comments he made about people that used to crack me up. It’s as if he’s encouraging me to go and do stuff. More and more now, I feel that I’m stopping myself doing things because I’m carrying so much guilt about living on after him.
People tell me it’s unhealthy to keep all his things around me but I feel as if they centre me. This is still our home, not just mine. If you find comfort in keeping his things around then keep them. If, in the future you feel that you want to box up his things then do that. Do it when you’re ready, not because someone tells you that you should. We all do these things in our own time.
We lost my Mum in June and I was astounded at how quickly my father donated her clothes and cleared out her belongings - they were all gone within a week - but he said it made him feel worse to keep having to look at them, he didnt want the constant reminders that she’d gone. I’m the exact opposite and haven’t touched Clive’s stuff for 2 years. You’ll do it when you’re ready. There’s no rush.
For me living in our home, being around his things it’s like a reminder that yes he did exist, we did have this amazing life together, i wasn’t just imagining it all. I feel scared that as time goes on my life with him will become such vague memories that i wont be able to tell what was reality. Like i know he was real, it was all real but at times this whole situation just feels so overwhelming and so huge that i can’t quite believe it’s actually happened. Does that make sense?
People want me to go back to living with my parents but i don’t want to, that’s where i was first told by the police. Even just sitting there sometimes when i visit and the doorbell rings for a second i think it’s him coming to pick me up to take me home like he used to. Even though i know it can’t be him i still expect to see him walk through the door with a big grin on his face. I feel like if i go back living there i’ll be going backwards to my old life before him and i don’t want to do that, i don’t want to rewind back the time, i don’t want to ever forget anything about him. Like i said i almost want to freeze life so i can just stay here and cling on to him.
I’m removing things bit by bit.I can’t do it all in one go.I would feel like I’m wiping him out of my life.There’s something strangely comforting about having his stuff but I don’t want to see it.It doesn’t matter how long I keep it for.I couldn’t bear to go in the suitcases,all his Hawaiian holiday shirts are in there.That would be too much.
Hi Jill,
I don’t know if i could ever remove anything. I know i can’t keep everything forever but still it’s too much for me to think about even losing one thing. In the first couple weeks i thought i lost his favourite sunglasses and had a meltdown, it was such a huge relief to find them. I feel like maybe im living indenial but right now that’s the place i’m able to live through, accepting life without him is just… i can’t.