Forget what people tell you, forget what you think is the right way, forget everything, it all falls away and becomes nothing, because it really doesn’t matter. It’s not beautiful to suffer for love, when did it become that? I remember it all and sit with it, move through and beyond. We lose ourselves in those that we need so much, it’s something we have to face and understand. Grief shifts to loss, a hard lesson learned, nobody other than us remembers, we are all on our own in the waves that come in. All true, all reassuring, and yet we adapt, survive. We live. One foot, after the next, keep going forward.
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I can now see after being on this site, that there is no right time to do anything, we all ‘cope’ in our own way, as the tide changes and the waves came in, simple small things just make it all start again from the first day, I have only been on this horrible, painful journey for short of three months and just go with every hour/day as it comes, my wife’s clothes still hang on doors and in cupboards, and I can’t touch them yet, when is the right time?? No one knows I guess, just the thought makes me sob and it seems another part of her will be gone, I still cry when I go to bed every night as I can still see her laying next to me … it just hurts so much, I miss her like I never missed anything or anyone
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We are all on an unknown journey, now alone, trying to navigate what’s in front of us when our security blanket has been pulled from underneath us, leaving us exposed and vulnerable. One thing grief and loss has taught me, is to live in the moment, have no expectations and not to fear our emotions. They are who we are and need to be expressed in whatever way feels right for us. Just like nature there are cold rainy days, sunny warm days and everything in between and we have to embrace all of it. Love to everyone x
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I can’t bring myself to change the bed sheets. It’s been 3 weeks but I can’t touch her pillows or the bedding as the last person to touch it was her. I know that is so ridiculous but I don’t want to lose any more of her.
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Not rediculous at all, sorry for your loss, this road we now walk is different for us all, hits me like a truck from nowhere and don’t even know the cause of it, apart from missing my lovely wife every minute of the day, just want her back here where she should be x
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There is no ‘ridiculous’ or ‘daft’ or ‘silly’ in grief. We need to speak more kindly to and about ourselves.
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I fully understand when I eventually changed the bedding I cried all weekend because I could no more see the shape of him on the pillow and sheets,don’t rush yourself.
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Thank you for your supportive words.
I don’t recognise myself at all. She was my complete life, I’m clinging to every thing and anything to give me a connection.
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Me too, it has been nearly four months since I lost my wife, her belongings are all around the house, clothes hanging in wardrobes and drawers, cannot bring myself to move them, this week has been so hard , the waves are like a tsunami and tears could have filled an ocean , just can’t seem to shake it off this week, and I have no idea why and how to.
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Totally understand.
Yesterday I picked up a bottle of lemonade that my husband had stored in the garage. I didn’t know he had put it there and it was one of the last things he bought.
I was in floods of tears.
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The pain just goes on and on doesn’t it.
In the first couple of weeks I went mad and started clearing stuff from the house. Not loads, but books and pictures and an old sideboard I never liked. Now I feel totally disloyal that I’ve got rid of any of his stuff.
I’ve still got loads, his clothes, loads more books, tools etc, but now I don’t know what to do. I feel bad enough for getting rid of the other, it was a sort of reflex action. But now I’m in bits because I did it.
Is there a right way or a wrong way of doing any of these things?
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I’ve been to that guilt place. I threw away some of ny husbands things not long after he died. Magazines, golf tees, tee shirts so nothing important. Then i got cold feet. Now everything goes back in the same place. I take his car out for a run, and the keys go back on the dressing table where he always kept them. Ive even put the broken hoe back in the shed where i found it!
I hope there comes a time when I feel that its OK to get rid if things.
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While I have been chatting on this sight it seems we all have that when, how, right, wrong … questions but I have come to one conclusion, everyone of us will deal with it in our own way and as long as we face it we will be okay in the long run, talk talk talk even if you stop , cry cry cry and then get your breath back to talk again, that happens to me a lot, I just say … hang on … take a moment and then carry on the conversation… it is so hard to know the way to do things …. For me I have all my wife’s things still with me, I will do it in my own time when I feel ready, if it takes forever then that is how it will be x
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Good morning @paeony and @Glyn
Thank you for your thoughts. I know I’m being silly feeling this way , Roger wouldn’t want me beating myself up like this. We had even talked about downsizing so obviously we’d have been getting rid of stuff. And thats all it is, stuff. Keeping it won’t bring him back, but I shall be more careful about what goes in future. Until I do make up my mind about moving I don’t need to make any quick decisions, and I’ll just do things when it feels right, if it ever does.
As for talking and crying, I do plenty of both. I talk about him, and to him, constantly. I cry a lot, especially when I’m on my own. I’ve started to realise that thats ok, just do what feels right. I think a lot of my problem is having to make my own decisions, Roger always said I was the most indecisive person he’d ever met, give me a choice of 2 and I’m stuck. But between us we’d get there. Another of life’s lessons I’m going to have to learn.
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Totally agree with you, but everything in your own time as I have been told and beginning to realise …. And yes it seems a ‘good’ day sometimes when people are about but once home alone …… seems like another world x take care of yourself
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Oh indecision is crippling! Jim did everything, and i knew nothing about anything. Household bills etc have been challenging. I didnt even know you could have more than one car on an insurance policy!
I am now trying to imagine what Jim would do in the same position sometimes it helps making decisions.
At least we have these forums to air our thoughts.
Just do it your own way.
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Stupid thing with me, I was the one that sorted finances and bills etc. I booked holidays and sorted out the travel arrangements, snd that worked for us. But decision making, not me.
Now I’ll have too but i shall still ask Roger what he thinks.
As you said we have this forum, a lifeline at the moment, somewhere where everone understands
Take care
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I never booked holidays either. Ive just found out that Jim booked for us to go Sicily in September. He never said, though i had said i wanted to go. Now i have to decide if I’m brave enough to go on my own- it is a tour, so not completely alone. Then I’ll have to try and unravel everything. Ever so slightly panicking!!
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Oh I can imagine. You must be a turmoil of emotions, wondering what to do. But Jim obviously wanted you to go and it was going to be a surprise, so, hard as I know it will be, perhaps you could do it in his memory, his last gift to you.
I know that its going to be a hard decision. When Roger got the diagnosis in January the first thing he mentioned was our holiday this year. We hadn’t booked but he said I should still go, with a friend, but I know I can’t do it.
Take care, and whatever you decide, my thoughts are with you
Liz
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Having to make decisions is very hard. We were quite indecisive and would discuss things hoping that one of us would make a good point or even make a decision. When you have been a team, as one, to suddenly make decisions or be assertive is very difficult. X
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